flickstack: the 13 best films of 2009

hey, it's christmas again! 'tis the season for receiving gifts that are rarely the ones you wished for, taking money from your godparents and having your money taken by your godchildren, and getting pestered by bad, divide-and-conquer carolers. sure, there's the usual partying, eating, churchgoing but if there's one thing i hate about christmas in this country, it's the goddarn metro manila film festival. not only do they have the same kind of crap from last year, they force those pieces of shit movies into everyone's faces by having all the theaters show only those pieces of shit. thanks to more mano po, more shake rattle n roll and more hollywood-quality-my-ass eyesores from vic sotto and bong revilla, i will have to wait next year to see sherlock holmes. assholes.

anyways, before i rant any longer, here's my list of the best films i watched this year. and because it's my list, there are thirteen movies, the first 12 in no particular order and the 13th tops them off. so it's kinda like just a top 2 list. but with 13 items. because i like the number thirteen. i know i have already said that but this sentence has thirteen words.

1. up - with that title and having an old man as the main protagonist, you'd have thought it was movie about erectile dysfunction. but thankfully it wass by pixar so it turned out to be a really great kids-and-adults movie. with talking dogs and a "swordfight" between two old men. hmm.

2. watchmen - it wasnt perfect but it was an awesome comic book movie. tdk went the realistic, dark route. watchmen went comic-book-that-moves route. i enjoyed it. anyways, i know you dont want to but you can read my review of this film here. persuasive psychology works sometimes.

3. coraline - freaky stop-motion movie. button-eyed people, circus mice, better parent dilemma. im gonna let my daughter watch this when she old enough. like two years old maybe.

4. 500 days of summer - this movie was the kind of boy-meets-girl love story movie that we need more of, instead of the ones where the couple falls apart and one of them wins the other back with something cheesy.

5. thirst - fuck new moon. while those twilight fags were sparkling and flexing, sang-hyeon, a priest, was sucking blood from a comatose patient through an iv tube. this is the vampire film of the year.

6. zombieland - and this one is the zombie fillm of the year. bill murray rules.

7. moon - this movie is about a guy who is alone in the moon for three years. there's more to that but it would spoil the movie. i liked it a lot and i dont know what else to say...oh yeah, fuck new moon.

8. sin nombre - intense spanish film on gangs and poverty. the gang leader with tattoos on his face had a baby along while the new recruit killed a member of the rival gang as initiation. im grateful im not the father taking his daughter to america by riding on train roofs.

9. district 9 - im pretty sure that unlike this amazing movie, if aliens came to this country, the darn government wouldnt know what to do. the armed forces would be probably ordered to shoot the visitors on sight, no questions asked.

10. black dynamite - michael jai white, the guy who played spawn, has the same second name as my first name. didnt know that besides kicking ass, he could also do comedy. he owned this really funny blaxploitation movie.

11. grotesque - gross and painful to watch, just the way i like it. but beyond the blood, the dismembering of body parts and the cringeworthy gore, there's the message of self-sacrifice and how much you'd put yourself through for a person you like but barely know.

12. avatar - jeean and i saw this in a regular theater and it was great. im pretty sure imax would have tripled the awesomeness of james cameron's pandora. it's like eyecandy that is good for you, minus the sugar. review

and best film of 2009 according to me is... (long heavy metal drum roll please)

13. inglourious basterds - i like war movies and i worship quentin tarantino. inglourious basterds is unlike any war movie ever made. this film was first-frame-to-last badass amazing. long, talky, tension-building scenes, the hans landa character, hitler showered with bullets, everything was remarkable. which is expected of every quentin tarantino film, like his foot fetish. i didnt even try to make a review because id probably get to 10 thick paragraphs and still havent conveyed enough of my thoughts. and for any fellow quentin tarantino fans out there, i ask you: have you ever shaken his hand? i have.

AVATAR by jaiskizzy

apercu: just like how south park put it. it's dances with smurfs. but for anyone who gets off on synopses...it's the far future and a wheelchair-bound ex-marine fills in for his dead brother and is sent to planet pandora to help out with research on the blue cat-people called na'vi. jacked into a genetically engineered na'vi, he becomes part of the natives, learns their culture and falls in love with the local hottie. soon enough, he is faced with a dilemma: help his fellow humans obtain the unobtainium or fight with the na'vi to protect their homeland. (i like parentheses)

review: something i hate to admit is having watched titanic six times. three times in the theater, twice on home video and once on hbo. of those instances, only once was voluntary. anyways, james cameron's return to film has been touted as a game-changer and change the game it did. that game would be the 3d motion capture game which beowulf played well but lost. it was more in the gamut of pixar and dreamworks toons. avatar, on the other hand, well, as much as i like swimming against the tide, i am compelled to agree with the majority of moviegoers that this wasn't a movie. it was an experience.

but let's deal with the minuses first, shall we? (i'll pretend that you said "ok") the first gripe i had was on the voice-overs. it was quite unnecessary and i dont think its absence would have made a difference to the movie, er...the experience. half of the time, the protagonist was merely describing what was or what would be happening. i get that they're connected with the video logs (i am not gonna say "vlog" because i think it's stupid and gay) but the narrations were short and sparse and added nothing to the scenes. it would have been better if, like, when the colonel was talking to him while in the power-suit, he voice-overed "i should get these guys to do a dance in those suits and upload it to youtube lol". moving on, complaint number two: the near similar titanic storytelling. in titanic, the movie would switch from the ship scenes to the old woman recalling her memories. avatar employs the same switching from human mode to na'vi mode. i guess this is a gripe because i actually thought that jakesully (the protagonist) would get trapped in his na'vi body, hence more pandora sequences (more on that in next paragaph). anyways, the most criticized aspect of avatar is its flat, cliche story. the love story cliche. cliche evil guys after cliche treasure against cliche good guys. but (and now i swim on the opposite direction) it didnt bore me at all and i believe the simplicity helped propel the 3d experience forward by not delving on complicated subplots or overlong character developments. yes it wasnt original but it wasnt bad either. at least the drama didnt try hard too hard to jerk tears out of the audience.

now let's get to the meat of the matter, the cgi and the mocap technology. a few sentences back i mentioned the human mode na'vi mode switch. a large part of what makes it annoying is that i wanted to spend more time in pandora. dude, that place looks awesome. i came into the movie knowing that the na'vi and their environment are all computer generated and yet i could swear that those bushes, trees and animals (no aquatics though) were real. and james cameron has perfected the mocap because although the na'vi were obviously cgi, their movements and emotions looked very real. heck, even the long-noticeable mouth problems seem to have been fixed. it's all very amazing. the other thing that james cameron must have labored hours for was the science of the film. for one, pandora is kinda like a moon to a bigger planet so it would be natural for pandora to spend some time under the bigger planet's shadow and have longer evenings. and that is why most of the flora and fauna have luminescent abilities. they have evolved to survive the darkness. there is so much more to talk and ponder about the film, from the little details of the fingers (human-na'vi hybrids have five, real na'vi have four) to the nature-based "religion", which, to be completely honest, is one i would get behind if we had it here. but no review would encompass the true avatar experience. like jakesully in pandora, it's something jack into and see for yourself.

finalword: here is a film that pits humans against blue catpeople and you root for the catpeople. james cameron waited for the right time to realize his vision and the wait was all worth it because he has created an instant classic, this generation's bar-setter in visual effects. bravo, sir. and good luck, challengers!

the good: cgi, mocap, science

the bad: pace, narration

the ugly: the forced theme song

the verdict: 9 eywa jellyfish

abattoir.

be kind, remind

high school reunion's coming up and ive been forced asked to do the audiovisual presentation. i havent started on the actual slideshow of pictures yet due to image inadequacy but the intros, effects, music and transitions have all been dealt with. these elements i continue to tinker with every now and then as i wait for new digitized memories to arrive and all the cuttings and renderings have made me miss my video editing days.

and during a bathroom break, i looked back on those days and remembered the very first time i performed video editing. it happened long before i knew what final cut and adobe premiere were. all i had back then were a video8 camera, a tv, a vhs recorder, a cassette player and creative persistence (or persistent creativity?). cue flashback fx for 10 years ago...

it was for a class report in informatics. i didnt want to do the usual talking in front of the class. it was good to have luigi in the group because he understood and supported my ideas every time. luigi and i shot most of our scenes unscripted, except for the part where we had to read the textbook. when we had all the footage we wanted, luigi and i went downtown to find a place to have our video report edited. we found none. the report was to be presented the next day. i told my friend i'd take care of everything and we went our separate ways home.

with no previous experience in video editing, i attempted to do the whole thing on my own. i made title cards by drawing on bond papers and taping them on the wall. i recorded the footage from the video camera to the vhs, cutting them together by pausing, rewinding and playing the video. on sequences where a music track was needed, i pulled the audio rca plug off the camera and jacked it into the cassette player where a tape played. it was a painstaking task for one man to do and my numerous tries caused by errors resulted into some bad recording. those, i considered as effects. the closing credits i created by typing in microsoft word and shooting the monitor.

the following day, i carried the loaded vhs player to school and luigi brought a tv. we presented the report to our class's amusement. even students from the other classes watched and enjoyed. the end.

now where could that tape be...?

a tragic mix of magic tricks

wow. i have wanted to use that title for so long a time. anyways, magic has been a form of societal entertainment for eons. im pretty sure jesus, with his walking-on-water and multiplying bread acts, was an illusionist himself. but from those days up to houdini's time, it didnt take much to fool the audience. pull a rabbit out of a hat or make a handkerchief vanish and bricks will be shat around you. nowadays, any self-respecting magician who attempts those tricks, even on kids, has got to be a fuckin moron.

"...and voila! my left testicle."

thanks to the masked magician, the veil has been lifted from our eyes and we now know how a lot of those magic tricks were done. i dont know about you, but i really never needed him to reveal those secrets. as a kid, magic amazed me but i knew deep within myself that it's all a well-orchestrated illusion. what sets davids copperfield and blaine from the rest is execution. you can bet your asscheeks that the tricks they do are humanly impossible, but they do it so exceptionally awesome that a part of you suspends disbelief and may just accept it is real because that itsy bitsy part of you could not deduce how that exceptionally awesome illusion was done.

i saw on tv "comedian-turned-magician" bearwin meily as he prepared to perform a classic: the water escape. because of this endeavor, the media has dubbed him the pinoy houdini. i have nothing against him, i actually kept an open mind, but i knew it was bullshit and his poor execution proved it was bullshit. couldnt find a video on youtube so here's an unbiased account of the proceedings: bearwin presented the water-filled tank, which will be shrouded by curtains on all sides. audience members were asked to check the tank. he then showed the tank lid, knocking on the steel plates and said they were real. a cop gave him cuffs which put on himself and then he was restrained with chains and two padlocks. he entered the tank, the lid was placed on top and locked. as he began to hold his breath and try to struggle free, the front curtain is closed to hide what was going on. matching the beat of the background music, the curtain was raised a couple more times, for a few seconds, to show the progress of his escape until the digital clock on-screen was past the amount of time an average human could hold their breath. bearwin, of course, escapes unharmed and me, unimpressed.

i assume that this is how it was done: usually, anyone asked by a magician to check equipment is part of the act. but the tank seemed real so it would be safe to say that the checkers weren't paid. the lid, however, is immediately questionable. two of his crew held it and only he touched it. plus, it was a large, square piece of flat steel with a steel frame and, suspiciously, two parallel steel bars in the middle. why not an x or no horizontal bars at all? because the middle plate between those steel bars slides open, enough for bearwin to poke his out and breathe while the curtains are down. this water escape wasnt as dangerous as he claims it to be. kudos to him though for acting serious. anyways, the second bogus aspect of his act was chain. the handcuffs were rigged ones of course, unlocked at a button-push. the chains were real but he wore it in such a way that anybody could escape easily from it. all he had to do was puff up his chest and tense his arm and shoulder muscles while the chains were placed around him to make it look like it's really tight around him. once in the water, all he had to do was relax his body and the chains would slip free. (try it at home. puff up your chest and tense your upper body and have someone tie a string around you. then relax and you're out). the stupid thing about the chain was on one occasion that the curtains were pulled up, his arms were free and there was only one padlock remaining, making the chain a loose necklace and the padlock, the pendant. and yet, bearwin was still pretending to be having a hard time with it even though it was pretty obvious that all he had to do was pull the chain over his head. that was really fucking stupid.

so, yeah, what was hailed as a houdini-ish feat by a filipino, the first one on tv, was actually nothing but a big pile of bullcrap. what a shame. i mean, even when he had that little weekly magic show, it was very underwhelming because there was nothing new and exciting to see and i merely watched a few episodes of it just to see which tricks they've ripped off from others. and that's the thing with magic these days. so many are doing the same things that it's not really entertaining anymore. so, at this important juncture (tee-hee), i present to you some tips for magician on how to improve their acts:

do the trick in your underwear. no long=sleeved shirts, loose black pants, jackets, capes, hats or any item of clothing that are usually used to hide shit. i would have suggested doing the whole thing completely naked but that would be disgusting.

do the trick with minimal cover. every time anything cannot be seen, something is going on so do away with the large cloths, smoke bombs and the like. turn that little kitten into a tiger right before our eyes. walk through that wall unconcealed. make that car fade away in plain sight.

do the trick in broad daylight, on a clear field. no stages, no curtains, no special equipment. just you and your trick, before a real audience.

do the trick without volunteers who you obviously paid (or threatened) to pretend that they're not part of the act. this is easy in relation to doing the trick with minimal cover. you dont need people to hold hands together around you and such. just stand there and do everything yourself. if help is needed to do the trick, dont do the trick. do a trick that doesnt involve anybody else.

do the trick live but not with your own crew. no pre-recorded tv specials. call up every network and make the trick a news event. let the different camera crews shoot where and how they want. plus, no suspense countdowns or commercial breaks. when everyone's there, just say what you're going to do and immediately do it.

do the trick without props prepared beforehand. no pre-shuffled cards or gimmicked boxes. anything you need to use for the trick, you take from where you are. in fact, it would be loads better if no props would be used at all.

finally, just do the damn trick. no long stories, no jokes, no big gestures, no dancing.

"for your next training, apprentice, you will guess what i had for breakfast

by smelling my palm which i had just farted on..."

here is an example of a magical feat in accordance with the rules i have mentioned:

in broad daylight, the magician is standing half-naked in an empty lot, surrounded by a crowd of people and some news crews. the magician then announces what he will do: he will crack open his skull, take out his brain, eat it and shit it whole. then, he lies down on the ground and smashes his head with a big rock until the top part of his skull is shattered. he stands up and pulls out his brain. he breaks off a piece and eats it. he keeps doing this until he has eaten all of his brain. he then takes off his underwear, squats and shits out a whole brain. he puts it back in his head, takes the pieces of his skull and rebuilds it like a jigsaw puzzle. as a final flourish, he picks his nose and flicks a booger into the air and it turns into a dragon which he rides on to leave. applause.

person

i dreamed i was a monster, devouring human flesh.
then i awoke and now i wonder:
am i a man who dreamed of being a monster
or a monster dreaming that i am a man?

all or nothing

on my previous post i said that my wife's beauty was kind of a visual confirmation of a supreme being's handiwork, thereby putting a bit of strain on my lack of belief. that was a thoroughly honest statement. then, ondoy came along (on the day of my birthday even) and re-fueled my predisposition for questions.

we all know what happened. saturday and it kept raining and raining real hard with mighty winds until late in the afternoon, we are watching the news where a man is neck-deep in the flood and still protecting himself with an umbrella. suddenly, dams are spilling, there are brown rivers where there shouldn't be and people are on the roofs of their houses. a disaster beyond expectations. and the more i saw of the effects of ondoy's wrath, the more blasphemy entered my mind. but the core of all my questions was: god did this.

all religious people attribute anything good to god. they win something, thank you, god. they get well from illness, thank you, god. but whenever something bad happens, it's usually one of three things: a) god is punishing them; b) god is testing them; c) god had nothing to do with it. so which of the three does ondoy fall into?

a) god sent ondoy to punish the people in the affected areas - if this is true, then god is pretty mean. he didnt leave room for forgiveness. he just went on and slapped his big holy hand across the faces of these poor people. which is a wrong thing for a god to do, especially for one who has forgiveness 101 in their curriculum. is this some sort of punish first, forgive later? if so, then what about the "be like god" thing? guy x murders guy w, guy w's family should then kill guy x and say "okay, dude. we forgive you now." the equation does not compute. plus, i don't think that all of the people who suffered were complete sinners. innocent kids drowned. what did god punish them for? not eating vegetables? if ondoy was god's consequence for not adhering to his strict guidlines, then he shouldve sent that darn typhoon over to the malacanang palace as well.

b) god sent ondoy to test the faith of the people in the affected areas and the kindness of the people in the unaffected areas - you always hear people saying things happen for a reason, and it's usually a test from god. again, the innocent children, what was the test for? if they could swim? a pregnant woman died in a landslide. he was testing how long she could hold her breath? if it was a test of faith, then it's a pretty dumb test because there is no way you can have coherent thoughts, let alone pray, when your lungs are filling up with water faster than you could complete the sign of the cross. i know tests shouldnt be easy. but they dont have to be matter-of-life-and-death hard.

c) god did not send ondoy - a friend of mine insists that the whole thing was man-caused. the flooding, yeah, maybe, but without the nonstop rain, there will be no flood. weren't we all made (forced) to believe that god created everything? everything, including weather. but let us just say that ondoy wasnt from god. then where did ondoy come from? science explains the whole deal, of course, and just about anything there is to be explained. so, if ondoy was not godsent, god does not exist. if the tragedy was all our fault, every single thing that ever happened, good and bad, we all did to ourselves. there's no bullshit there. if god does exist, sure he lets you get the good stuff sometimes but then he was also behind every fuck-up you've experienced in your life. it's either god gave you that sports car and also killed your parents, or you worked hard to buy the car and cancer killed your parents.

i wouldnt know if any of the unfortunate readers of this blog and this particular post would get what im trying to say. im not here to preach. im merely asking questions and laying arguments based on the facts. i just cant agree to the thinking that if it's a miracle, god did it but if it's a disaster, he didnt do it, or if he did do, it's because he wanted to punish you or test you. and that's what's so annoying about religion. anything that supports their beliefs, they accept without question but anything that threatens, they blind themselves from reality, and yet they're always the very first and the very worst at denying other people's beliefs and forcing theirs upon them.

if you believe in god, you should not go to hospitals, you shouldnt lock your doors, you should cross the street with eyes closed, you shouldnt need money because, as the big neon sign in guadalupe proclaims (not sure if it's still there), jesus/god alone saves. sheesh.

so... let the reactions begin!

one

what: most. kickass. wedding. ever.
where: basilica church + pastoral center, ciudad de balisong
when: august 1, 2009
who: jaiskizzy (the groom), jeeanfoxy (the bride), families, friends, unknowns
why: love.


800am: i wake up, put on outdoor clothes and sleepwalk to the nearest salon to have my much-anticipated (by everyone but me) haircut. it is still closed so i saunter off next door to my mother-side relatives' hangout spot and play with the kids for a while.
900am: i am inside the salon, sitting on a hydraulic chair, waiting for my turn. arianne the hairdresser is doing his magic (literally) on an old woman while some people are negotiating the price of his services and gown rental. some girl will be joining a beauty pageant in some faraway farmland's fiesta and her companions want her to look outrageously beautiful. i think what they need is a miracle. the girl is fat, fugly and bats are probably living in her nostrils. plus her supposed escort is a zombie. i silently thank the invisible unicorn king for the self-esteem boost.
1000am: my past-shoulder-length hair is being mowed down. with my spectacles off, the horrifying image of my decreasing mane is blurred on the mirror. but even so, i remember the big prom night scene in carrie and kinda feel the same way, minus the blood. at least samson was asleep when this happened to him.

1100am: i am back home, showering. bathroom floor is covered in bubbles because, forced by habit, i used the amount of shampoo i use for my late long hair on my new hair. as always, bathroom time is think time and several random thoughts fire up in my brain like popcorn: the tedious preparations are finally over, im leaving bachelorhood for good, cant wait to see what my bride looks like, what's gonna happen, et cetera.
1200pm: i am driving towards the ponte fino, wearing a hooded shirt to hide my haircut until the big reveal. jeean and i text and call each other occasionally to prevent any path-crossings. as i am about to turn right at don ramos, i realize i've forgotten the red bandana i need for our first dance. i head back home and find out that jeean's bridal car (c/o of papang) has arrived. we've been told it would be the cefiro, anything was okay with us actually, but im looking at the one we had wished for secretly. i retrieve the bandana and keep the surprise to myself.
100pm: i am at the hotel lobby, gradually attaining complete ennui. only one room is currently available and jeean is in there having herself made up. two more rooms will be vacant soon and i sulk in a lounge chair, watching a kid waste dslr specs on a bland table ornament. my friends from manila arrive but because i have no room to put them in and i am prohibited to leave the premises, i send them off to sm batangas to have lunch and murder a few minutes.
200pm: six men in a hotel room and it's not a stag party: me, pol, randell and a camera crew determined to get me posing. after late lunching on adobo, rice and jolly hotdog, the guy who has only one pair of shoes for everyday use metamorphoses into a long-suited, clean-shaven gentleman, at least externally; the photography session ends up with me jumping on the bed. the tailor-made suit set feels good on me not only because it's exactly the way i wanted it to be, it's like my golden fleece. i'm 11 times cooler just by wearing it.
300pm: it's raining and everybody's scrambling to the church. i jump into the family car and lose my chance of having any physical contact with the awesome bridal car. when we arrive at the church, a crowd of kids and adults in wedding attire is just beginning to bunch up near the entrance. people expecting my jesus christ look are shocked at my new guise and my favorite baby niece who cries when i leave doesn't even recognize me. i look at the aisle and see the first few meters of the new journey of my life.
400pm: i am at the other end of the aisle and all our eyes are on the entrance doors. this is my cad goddeu. from a badass-looking hummer, an angel has appeared to bless us with her heavenly beauty. ive been an agnostic ever since catholic school but this is one of those very rare moments were i question my non-belief and reconsider god's existence because only that powerful guy on the ultradistant second floor could create such a being of endless wonderment. gianina, my fulcrum, my utopia, my perfect bride. i feel weird, like im in a movie and this is the part where everything is in slow-mo. i am goosebumping all over. my mother-in-law-to-be's tears are contagious. my beloved and i stand before the altar and the riddle of love is finally solved.

500pm: there was a blog post i never finished about how life was a long road and that during our trip, we meet people who walk with us or run with us, sometimes carry us, overtake us, until we all arrive, though at different times, at the one destination we're all headed. jeean and i aren't ready to go home just yet. hands together, we've taken a detour to a road we've never been to before and even if we've been told that this particular path won't be easy to take, but im sure we'll get through it just fine. the i do's have been traded, the bands worn, the kiss displayed.


9 post-wedding highlights:
1. mafia-inspire entourage came into the reception venue in associative music. when it was our turn, my bride sang "if i ain't got you" by alicia keys. some had to be told that it was live.
2. instead of the bouquet, a bunch of roses were thrown at the "hopefuls" and the one without a flower in her hands was the lucky lady to wear the garter.
3. the much-awaited "rock baby rock" clan dance brought the house down, especially with my bride's parents joined in
4. the downed house was crumbled to dust when our supposedly traditional first dance turned into a dance medley of sorts (with a quick hayden-katrina thingy squeezed in), thanks to one hour of perspiration-filled practice of steps aided by youtube.
5. the photobooth didn't get any rest.
6. my father got us all worried when word broke out about his missing wallet, which he found in the pair of pants he left at home.
7. jeean and i came home to falling money and confetti, which became garnish to the kalamay we had to eat.
8. we counted the cash we collected and was quite pleased with the sum (but not thoroughly as we had to turn everything over to my mom for safekeeping).
9. there was a lot of back-and-forth walking in the ponte fino hallway because our immediate families were shacked in five rooms and everyone was in no hurry to slumber. after one tiresome month of preparations and one exciting day of wedding, my wife and i finally get the relaxation we've long longed for.

i could not have wished for a better way to get married or a better woman to get married to. i am a man, i am in love, and goshdarnit, i am very, very happy. very.

up next: parenthood.

better/worse-richer/poorer-sickness/health-death

awakening

every day when i wake up, in the morning or in the afternoon, by myself or roused by external forces, the voices in my head scream in unison in welcoming another day. no matter how bad the previous was, the mere ability to open my eyes and be alive is reason enough to thank the flying spaghetti monster for negotiating my citizenship with sandman and not allowing me to be a permanent resident of somnopolis. there, i could fly, see events unfold in the third person p.o.v. and play tag with nikola tesla in a minefield but i would never trade my real life for subconscious liberties. even more now that i have better things to look forward to post-slumber.

about a month from now, i will start a new life waking up beside the most beautiful woman in time and space. i met her online as jeeanfoxy and i couldnt have helped myself from loving her. since then she's been love to me and a new chapter in our epic love story is just about to begin. on august one, at 4pm, i will be marrying the last piece of my puzzle. the beautiful victory, the elegant ninja, the goddess of all things cute and sexy named ma. gianina sigrid m. muñoz will glide down the aisle and prefix forever with a two-worded, three-lettered sentence. she, my rita hayworth. my life was a prison beyond redemption and she was my escape. she is my charger, my phoenix down, my cosmic cube, my muse incarnate. i was wile e. coyote and she was roadrunner, i get blown into smithereens but she was always worth chasing. now i've captured her. but dont let the pig loose from the pen just yet because that is not all, folks.

sometime in february next year, i will wake up to the living breathing crying laughing smiling peeing pooping proof of our love: our baby, the first of many, the best parts of our dna combined. right now, our child is as small as a peanut, swimming within my wife's wonderful womb. but pretty soon, the kid will be running around and talking and breaking stuff and making us proud. one thing i could guarantee is that child will be loved by the coolest parents ever.

if there is indeed such a thing as karma, then this is probably some sort of reverse karma where i get my humongous load of blessings in advance and im supposed to do something good and big in the future because i dont think ive ever done anything worth all of this. that or i am just one goddarn lucky man...

yep. very lucky indeed.

p.s. theres just too plenty of people to thank for the ongoing preparatory craziness and they dont read my blog anyways so i'll save the acknowledgements for my reception speech where i could tell it to their faces. speaking of faces...

p.p.s. in yo' face, scotteeeeehhh!!!

captcha

My fingers tremble upon the keyboard, unable to decide which letters to press. My muse is busy dancing to The Kinks. I have been staring at a blank page on the monitor screen longer than I should. Death would be a miracle.

The blinking cursor is mocking me in binary. One, zero, one, zero, one, zero...

I close my eyes and I see her name like a black and white movie title card. Marzana. By her name, I build her physical details, my muse is othermother crafting Coraline. She is a silhouette slowly emerging from the fog. A beautiful creature designed to make sinners out of men. Wearing the world's shortest tightest wedding gown. Her hair is long and perfect for slow-motion wind. On one hand, she holds a wineglass filled with blood. On the other, a masamune.

"Hello," she says. Her voice is music from Mozart's dreams. "My name is Marzana."

I know.

"What is your name?"

I have no name.

"Hello?"

Why do you assume that because I do not answer I cannot hear you?

"Aren't you going to speak to me?"

Speak? It is useless.

"Are you deaf? Mute?" She gestures to her absoluteness. A whole planet orgasms in a parallel galaxy and creates a black hole. "BLIND?!"

Everything is true. Everything. And nothing.

"Out of my way then."

Her eyes sparkle like martensitic crystals in pearlite matrix. Her hips undulate hypnosis. In rapid liquid motion, her sword is raised in the air and my head is on the ground, looking up her skirt, her legs porcelain highways to heaven.

Wow.

I open my eyes and begin to write...

dimension y

you and i are lovecraftian creatures trapped within an ephemeral limbo in the intersection of mayhem and make-believe.

we speak in silence, through glyphs of poetry and saffron orbs that convey your faceless expressions. i am seethed by the minutia of your mind and paralyzed by your orgasmic reveries.

this is our total perspective vortex.

this is the moebius conduit of our arguments, the black hole sepulcher of our insecurities.

here, we dance with our demons in the pale liquid crystal light until we are severed from the parareal knot to return to our vessels of flesh and hair as mere mortals in hiding.

i miss you my monstress inamorata. my loins ache for your odylic aura.

arise and mutilate my senses.

david carradine

you may know him as bill but i remember him best in death race 2000 passing through a hospital to rack up points by killing the old people plus the nurses and doctors that lined them up there. i've always wanted to have an f shirt like his.

r.i.p. frankenstein.

the villagers

in the middle of nowhere and the edges of everywhere lies a village, much like any other village you've seen yet not quite. here, the sun never goes out, only dims a little, and changes color depending on the mood of the person who is looking at it. the village is built in such a way that all houses are facing each other and at the front door, anybody could see everybody. from outside, the houses differ in shape, size and color but within each one are the same kinds of rooms: for cooking and eating, for sitting and talking, for sleeping and fucking. no one has ever left since the day they came and lived here.

there is one house made of sticks and stones. in it lives an ogre who likes to sing girly songs. he has been practicing yoga so that he can self-fellate his microcock. he wears branded clothes even though they could never hide the fact that he is an ogre. nobody can tell the difference between the sound of his grunt and his fart.

there is one house made of stiletto heels that were glued together with the wax used to remove leg hair. it is called the house of smoke and mirrors because there is always smoke coming out of the chimney and all the walls inside are made of mirrors. in it lives a woman who, when not talking to herself, is always either puffing on a cigarette and sucking a cock or two. she thinks she is the most beautiful woman in the village, but of course, just like the name of her house, it is merely an illusion.

there is one house made of recycled paper. in it is a man who does not have anything that he did not steal from someone. this thief takes the other villagers' belongings and proclaims them as his own. but his favorite things to plunder are words and ideas, which he likes to combine and make senseless paragraphs in futile attempts to sound wise. with no money from his unpublished works of plagiarism, he survives by eating his own shit.

there is one house made of chocolate. in it lives a bunch of kids who play video games all day. they have every console and every game ever made. none of the kids come out for fear of growing up. the oldest of the kids is actually 240 years old and has played and finished all the games at least twice. he scores perfect in all levels of guitar hero on expert mode using his toes, eyes closed. he is the uncredited discoverer of the konami cheat code but he doesn't care.

there is one house that looks like a normal house but the doors and windows are not real, just painted on. in it is a hairless creature with sharp teeth and each day, it gives birth to a replica of itself, eats it and grows bigger...

there is one house made of diamonds and velvet. in it lives the woman whose voice can calm storms and bloom flowers. she is the true most beautiful woman in the village according to a survey conducted telepathically. whenever she smiles, a demon dies. she hosts a party every day and guests find her house by following the vapor trail of her heavenly perfume. she serves the most delicious food and the finest drinks and doesn't end the party until she has talked to everybody. she sleeps dreaming of her next party.

there is one house made of bones and painted with blood. in it lives a man with no face and a million brains. and yet, just like everybody else, he has one heart and it belongs to the most beautiful woman in the village. because he cannot speak, he only writes and the only things he writes are love letters and suicide notes.

(work in progress. the end for now.)

p.s. i didnt know what the point of this was either but i wrote it anyway.

stripe

i trace with my tongue
the length of your spine
and swoon at the sound of your moans

strands of your hair
my pillow collected
get stuck on my face when i wake

ANGELS & DEMONS by jaiskizzy

apercu: the pope dies and just as the vatican dudes are about to choose the next one, an enemy from the past, the illuminati, abducts the candidates and hides an antimatter bomb somewhere in the holy city set to go off at midnight and delete the world's smallest country from google earth. with no pope and no hope, they turn to a swimming tom hanks for help, who thankfully doesnt stay in his trunks for the rest of the movie.

the da vinci code was bad. you would expect that all those bad reviews of that movie would immensely affect the plans for the sequel and make the planners double their efforts to produce a better film. but i guess they just didnt care and went ahead with shooting tom hanks snap into lectures about history in the same annoying way the paperclip pops up in microsoft office and uncover the dumbest mystery ever by following clues that are so dumb the perpetrators could have just left those sticker footprints you find in malls and it wouldn't have made a difference. seriously, there are way better scooby-doo and 1960s batman vs. riddler episodes than this movie. here is a rough example of the audience brain cell murdering of angels and demons: tom hanks and the gang arrive at the scene. they look for an angel sculpture. it has to be an angel for reasons i didnt pay attention to. they find the statue. it's pointing to somewhere. west, i think. they look at a map for churches in the west for the next clue. there it is. a church with an italian name that in english means castle of angels. ayfkm?!? (are you fucking kidding me question mark exclamation point question mark)

the dialogue was quite terrible. there were attempts at humor but failed. the action scenes didnt get any reaction from me. the ending was unsurprising because, with such a small of well-knowns, you know it had to be one of them. i cant wait for a movie where the one behind all the evildoings was an extra who was always somewhere in the background. the only aspect of the film that was watchable was obi-wan, as my beloved jeej refers to him. to me, ewan mcgregor will always be mark renton and it's pretty amazing that the same guy who dived into a toilet to retrieve suppositories just to get a fix is a priest in this movie. when he did the speech with the cardinals, i was expecting him to seque into the choose life monolgue.

don't know about the book but this movie ought to be condemned for its sin of crappiness. for the lost souls out to find cinematic pleasure, allow me to spread the word: thou shalt not waste thy moolah on this. if there is a hell, it could probably be looped screenings of this movie.

the good: the science versus religion thing and the ewan mcgregor thing.
the bad: the every thing else.
the ugly: tom hanks' "facial"
the verdict: 4 smoking cardinals



the illuminaughty.
or
angers and dream-ons

happy first anniversary, last woman in my life.

jeej,

try as i may, i can not surpass the awesomeness of your post. but what im thinking of right now is this: tomorrow would be a nice day for someone to ask me that question ive always hated being asked because i found it hard to answer until now.

the question: where do you see yourself 15 years from now?

my answer: with jeean, greeting her "happy 16th love anniversary!"

i love you, love. more often than always and longer than forever.

yours only,
jaj.

the spark never dies.

what color is your parachute?

in other words (or in unnecessary philosophical musings based on a book title), if your life depended on a large piece of fabric designed to prevent your gravitational demise, would its color matter, especially if it fails to accomplish its singular task? hmmm. i think i need to rephrase that one with the help of beer. but anyways, i am currently not in a pursuit of happiness because happiness has been pursuing me and capturing me, and as of late, happiness is (but not limited to):

to pass time rolling your head on the clothesline,

to see babies show off their growing-up progress,

to disagree on something without arguing,

to peel price tag without ruining the book cover,

to find something you lost when you're not looking for it,

to watch a video you've seen over and over and still enjoy it,

to fart shamelessly,

to let the air mess up your hair,

to watch her sleep and learn that she watched you sleep,

to make her laugh by imitating chewbacca,

to drive with her head on my shoulder,

to go home with three books, a shirt and a heart full of love,

to be with gianina.

cathode ray mission

i, max renn
surrender to you, o'blivion,
fornicating your pixels
with my mutated heart bomb in hand
ticking to explode
in the last big orgasm called death.

defib

so... last week i resigned from work to get my life back on track. dont get me wrong, there was nothing bad about the job (except maybe for a certain coworker who keeps forgetting to take her antibitchiotics). it was the after hours that drove me crazy. i'd go to my rented room and pretty much stay there until the next day. there wasn't much to do within those green walls of infinite melancholy. in the words of pre-disaster britney, my loneliness was killing me. so many months of enduring the anguish, i packed my shit and went home.

so... here i am now, typing away without worrying about deadlines or overtime. since i left, ive spent just about every day with my beloved superheroin, hanging out, doing silly stuff, eating together, playing with kids, talking, driving around and, most of the time, laughing. every moment of every day, there's always something to laugh about or take a pic of. jeean is just a blast to be with. there is absolutely no one in this polluted floating sphere quite like her. ive never had this much fun with all of my ex-gfs combined. need proof? here:


i love that woman to death. which hopefully is far far away because i want to spend many, many more years with her. i cant wait to have kids with her. we got the chance to act as parents of three gradeschoolers today and learned new ways to achieve happiness. one of which is jump-roping on a trampoline.

p.s. lately ive been pondering about my apparent uselessness to the world. there are people whose jobs affect my well-being, like the farmers and slaughterers for my sustenance, sewers and inkers for my clothing, even the typists who typed the text on shampoo bottles. i owe a lot of my everyday life to them. i wish i had a job like that.
p.p.s. i am so tired today that my slouching is two snaps away from breaking the monobloc chair's backrest.

ego at large

the public is hereby warned about a mental patient that escaped from the facility on an undetermined date. several police reports have been collected regarding a deranged female spotted in several locations, mostly around makati, with the following eye-witness descriptions: in mid-20s, 5'4" with high-heeled shoes, thick and overly lipsticked lips, nostrils bigger than the craters on the moon, long, not-regularly-shampooed hair with lice infestation and was last seen wearing something really, really horrible. the suspect, currently known as "excrementia" is extremely and dangerously annoying. we repeat, the suspect is extremely, dangerously annoying.

accurate police sketch of the suspect.
we apologize for your subsequent nightmares.

two witnesses, a couple madly in love with each other, encountered the suspect at an intersection in makati. according to their released statements, the suspect "walked like the ground was a runway and talked as if she was the queen of the world." the very beautiful and sexy female witness with an amazing rack and delectable legs, who chose to be hidden under the name "eatmybust", was a nurse and, upon listening to the suspect's verbal diarrhea, assumed that the suspect "was suffering, or more appropriately, reveling in grandiose delusion." the male witness with a big cock who chose to be hidden under the name "mrbigcock", agreed with his beloved companion and said, "i agree." according to the couple, they left the suspect "smoking a cigarette under the rain for fear that it multiplies when wet." the witnesses then went to sm mall of asia, watched monsters vs. aliens on imax and fell in love with each other even more.

a firm believer of the slut-til-death movement which it started itself, the suspect is presumed to have gained a cult following of idiots who have been lured to kiss its ass, due to the suspect's ability to suck brain cells out of people. if you have any information regarding the whereabouts of the suspect, please do not hesitate to keep it to yourself. it is also highly recommended for your safety that if suspect is on sight, do not approach for any reason. best course of action in the presence of the suspect is to ignore it.

p.s. whatever, layla. you're such a loser.

love. freedom. happiness.

like most, for a big part of my life, i hated monday. granted that it is not its fault to be situated at such a bad spot but when you've been partying, sleeping late, waking up after noon, playing video games, watching movies or just wasting the day away being as lazy as you can, it's pretty hard not to feel animosity towards the particular day that thrusts you back to world beyond your own and starts a new cycle of work/school where time never really is yours. monday was the day i always wished would never come.

but not anymore.

i found love and found a reason to love monday. work begins on tuesday for me and right after my shift on saturday, i lug my bagful homeward, craving for the much needed weekend rest. instead of dreading its arrival, i can hardly wait for monday to come around because for some reason, it has become the day that my girlfriend and i have for ourselves. sometimes, we get to see each other on saturdays and sundays, but it is only on a monday when we really are together. we do not love each other less on any other day of the week, but on monday, we are one.

march 30, 2009 was a monday. at 4am i was sitting on an orange chair on the bus station, waiting for her, without any indication of the great day ahead of us. with barely enough sleep, i cradled her in my arms as she slumbered on and off through the trip. i did not notice what was playing on the bus tv or radio, only her shivers, goosebumps, slight body spasms and baby-calm breathing. every time she'd take over my lap for a nap, i'd feel the surrender of her weight the moment she succumbed to the sandman.

we found our destination but had to kill time so we ate and played scrabble. i am so in love with this woman who is okay with killing time by playing psp and not talking about stuff we could talk about some other time when we don't have to kill it. when she told her friends about us, she blushed and i swooned. the main purpose of the journey took a while and spent a long time between vans laughing at tambourines and farts. i love the way she perspires. the sweat doesn't bead or drip on her skin. it simply glistens. we were somewhere near quiapo and i had an image in my head of those people touching and wiping the nazareno as i did the same to her. i worship her. she wouldn't let me carry her bag no matter how i insist. i find it cute how she evades my cheek attacks. there is about two hours worth of chronicling that i have to skip so let's just say it feels so awesome to be her guy and that she cant go into the nbi office because smoking is not allowed there. we held hands when we walked and even when we ran to catch the bus.

late in the afternoon, i took her to my aunts and introduced her to everybody there. they talked to her. my mom had ignored the others even when they talked to her, but my mom talked to her. for the first time, my mother initiated a conversation with my girlfriend. wow⁹⁹. i lured an ill-tempered jaja with my psp to her and an inspiring memory was made. i never thought mondays could be that great. i may not be religious but that monday was a miracle. i wished it not to end and although it did, i know that with the recent developments in our lives, there are more, better mondays, as well as tuesdays, wednesdays, thursdays, fridays, saturdays and sundays to look forward to.

thank you, kitten.

p.s.

DETROIT METAL CITY by jaiskizzy

the gist: a wussy wimpy country boy leaves home to go to tokyo to (too many to's?) fulfill his dream of becoming a "fashionable musician" but busking with his acoustic guitar and his sissy songs gets him nowhere past having a street dog as a fan. however, he is, in fact, secretly and reluctantly, johannes krauser ii, the made-up lead vocalist/guitarist of detroit metal city, an independent death metal band that is fast becoming the biggest act in japan, with hordes of fans believing he is indeed a demon from hell who raped and killed his parents. and so... will negishi ever get to embrace his pop dream and lose his virginity to that chick with cute underwear?

the reaction: so you'd know where im coming from, ive never read the manga or watched the anime. im sure they're great (most manga that become anime then become live action are exceptionally good anyways) but my kudos descend upon the movie and the people involved in it. the japanese have yet to crappify my eyes. detroit metal city is breathlessly fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfucking awesome. from the great story mirroring the dichotomy of life to the songs that actually sounded like the real deal, there's no denying that the cast and crew sacrificed their blood and soul to get the movie off the ground and go sky high. exaggeration but hyperboles aren't uncalled for when talking about movies like this. it's very entertaining and it made me laugh many times. there was a movie called detroit rock city, also the title of a kiss song, about a kiss cover band trying to get into a kiss concert. now, there's detroit metal city and they even bagged gene simmons (the dude with the long tongue in kiss) to play jack il dark! how cool is that?!

the humongous round of devil horns raised way up in the air goes to kenichi whatshisname. after doing the mysterious coolness that is L in death note, he does an acting 180 as the stupid-looking, soft-mannered, almost gay negishi. seriously, this guy has some balls to accept such a role where he would have to make an ass of himself, singing with his knees stuck together, running like a girl, not to mention wearing that horrendous haircut. sure he gets to portray the death metal demon krauser but negishi is something a normal actor would probably regret including in his resume. unlike death note's raito yagami who was also shuya in battle royale, the actor playing him looks and feels pretty much the same. here, there is literally no sign of L in kenichi. and even though ive seen pics and clips of the movie before watching, i never even realized that he was both negishi and krauser. now that is talent. no pretty boy pinoy actor can disappear in roles like that. plus, he did his own singing for both characters, which required two separate voice actors for the anime. take that, retard gutierrez!

if you love metal, if you love japanese films, heck if you just watch for ideas on your next cosplay, give this movie a chance and detroit metal city will melt your face. if not, you should form a band with your tambourine and call it tetrapot melon tea. as for kenichi somethingsomething, kamui gaiden is up next. yes, sir.


the good: that L guy. his dual performance carries the whole film
the bad: the slightly ridiculous ending. metal buffalo?!
the ugly: penis haircut.
the verdict: 8 chocorape cakes!


jai il dork

or

destroyed mental skizzy.

WATCHMEN by jaiskizzy

the gist: in alternate 80s america, where once-heralded costumed crimefighters have been outlawed by the government and a globally destructive nuclear war with russia is imminent, a retired superhero known as the comedian is found dead on the street more than a hundred feet below his high-rise apartment, killed by gravity. a former teammate, rorschach, embarks on his own investigation to find the murderer who seems to be particularly offing masked members of the society. old friends are reunited, memories are remembered and walls are repainted (with blood) as the doomsday clock ticks closer to the end of the world.

the review: fuck the long intros. i'll do my best to make this short and quick because the less is said, the better. i liked the movie. given that the graphic novel has been deemed unfilmable for so long and the weird and cool alan moore refuses credit for any adaptation, zack snyder has done quite an achievement. and not only by squeezing a 12-chapter story into a 3-hour movie. you see, there's a dvd out there where they animated the comic book panels and turned it into sort of an audiobooky (because one guy does all the voices, even the female characters) cartoon, reminiscent of the old marvel superhero 2d shows. compared to that, with real actors and actual sets, zack snyder's film is a couple of steps ahead in awesomeness.

yes, the paper version is still way better but the celluloid translation turns it into an entirely new experience. you now hear the voices that uttered those great lines, especially dr. manhattan's which was totally unexpected. (you'd think he would have the mighty otherworldly voice of james earl jones with a sore throat on volume 11 plus extra echo and not mild and boring like my history teacher's in high school. but it works amazingly.) you see them break through the frozen panels and move, sometimes in slow-mo, the constantly morphing inkblot on rorschach's mask alone, the origin of which didnt make it past the cutting room floor, was mesmerizing. i like how the costumes were almost exactly the same, down to the minutemen despite not having that much screen time. i smiled when silk spectre 2's costume was unzipped, not because she was about to get naked, but because it had a zipper, something we rarely see in superhero movies. that zipper contributed to grounding the whole thing in reality.

i never thought that stillwater's lead guitarist would pass off as a god with blue skin who doesn't really give a shit about humans and would effectively portray how the seemingly emotionless character eventually learns to (there is a real smiley face crater in mars btw). but the invisible badass acting award goes to jackie earle haley, the masturbating date in little children. this guy is great. unlike doc, his vocal characterization of rorschach is exactly the way i imagined it in my head. the two moments he screams like a madman were very powerful. perfect segue to my main gripe at the movie: the other actors didnt really do much and acted like they were still two-dimensional drawings. anyways, having read the graphic novel before watching the movie isn't a requirement. it doesn't even assure one would enjoy the film more. if you're the kind of moviegoer who just sits there depending on visuals, expecting rollercoaster ride-type of action, you will be heavily disappointed. watchmen is character-driven and story-driven and, for lack of a better symbolism, it is the kind of film that my father sleeps on. i think my father would be snoring on the theater seat around the time the bob dylan-sung opening credits is over and rorschach begins talking to himself.

though this review is probably a couple of paragraphs short of being a novel itself, there is still so much to be said about the film, a lot of which is open for debate between those who have read the graphic novel and the poor people who havent. it is not the greatest comic book movie ever made (tdk, imho), but it is a feat of filmmaking nonetheless. the movie has brains and balls. i will watch watchmen again.

the good: faithfulness to source material, necessary changes
the bad: bland acting
the ugly: too many cocks.
the verdict: 9 blood-stained smiley face pins


watchamacallboy.

.02-peso legal advice

i think that when an accused has been given the guilty verdict, their lawyer should suffer the same sentence. whether it's life imprisonment or death, throw the lawyer in with them. the idea is, if a lawyer defends an innocent client and loses the case, he should pay for his incompetence. if he/she defends a guilty client and loses the case, he should be punished for defending someone guilty. so, the guilt and innocence of the defendant is irrelevant. the lawyer oughta get what he deserves either way.

but that's just me.

p.s. my julietjellybeanbaby read this and pointed out that if this ever pushes through, no one would want to become lawyers anymore. actually, i think my concept should be seen as a challenge for the lawyers but for fairness sake, lawyers who win their cases should be rewarded with the luxurious possessions of the defeated, i.e. sports car, house, money, mistresses.
p.p.s. she loves me.

the last chat

Yahweh! Messenger 7
waterwalker1225 - status message: let he who is not stoned cast the first sin.
Show Recent Messages (F3)
waterwalker1225: BUZZ!
waterwalker1225: hey bro. wassup?!
waterwalker1225: hello…
waterwalker1225: i know you’re there, judas. speak up, invisible man.
waterwalker1225: BUZZ!
waterwalker1225: BUZZ!
waterwalker1225: BUZZ!
waterwalker1225: oh, come on, bro. arent you gonna talk to me ever again?
iscariot.judas: fuck off, jesus.
waterwalker1225: there you are! what’s the haps, old friend, old buddy, old pal?
iscariot.judas: you do know that i am pissed off at you, dont you?
waterwalker1225: yeah, well. sorry about that, bro.
iscariot.judas: sorry my ass.
waterwalker1225: come on, jude-dude. it was just a little improv, you know, to make things more believable.
iscariot.judas: well, congratulations, asshole, nobody trusts me now. fuck.
waterwalker1225: i said i was sorry.
iscariot.judas: oh, fuck you. what’s your sorry gonna do now, huh? you’ve humiliated me beyond repair, man.
waterwalker1225: IM SORRY IM SORRY IM SORRY IM SORRY IM SORRY IM SORRYIM SORRY IM SORRY IM SORRY
iscariot.judas: just forget the whole thing, jc. im out.
waterwalker1225: no, no, please, dont do this, bro. we had a plan. i cant do it without you.
iscariot.judas: well, go find someone else to be your traitor. i cant do it, man. fuck, even the hookers dont trust me.
waterwalker1225: listen to me, bro. im really sorry for what i said during the last supper. im sorry if i’ve embarrassed you in front of our homies. but please understand that we gotta do this together. we’ve been planning this from day one. you cant just leave me like that. what about all the things i did for you? i’ve always been there for you!
iscariot.judas: …
waterwalker1225: im crying, judas.
iscariot.judas: wtf. get a hold of yourself, man. jesus.
waterwalker1225: yes?
iscariot.judas: what?
waterwalker1225: huh?
iscariot.judas: dammit. are you really crying?
waterwalker1225: yeah…
iscariot.judas: ok. dont cry. stop crying. i hate it when you cry. you know that shit is my weakness.
waterwalker1225: ok…
waterwalker1225: im really sorry.
iscariot.judas: i know. it’s just, i really didnt expect you’d do that, man. we never talked about anything like that.
waterwalker1225: im sorry. please forgive me. i’d do anything.
iscariot.judas: i forgive you, jc. you don’t have to do anything.
waterwalker1225: really?
iscariot.judas: really.
iscariot.judas: wait. on second thought, i sure need your help in getting some pussy, man. seriously, my balls fucking hurt.
waterwalker1225: lols.
iscariot.judas: could you like put a good word out on some of magdalene’s friends for me? sure could use a threesome before my appointment with those priests.
waterwalker1225: consider it done, bro. texting her right now.
iscariot.judas: thanks.
waterwalker1225: so, we’re ok now?
iscariot.judas: yep.
waterwalker1225: yay! thank you, bro. im so happy could kiss you.
iscariot.judas: you are such a fag, jc.
waterwalker1225: no. you are.
iscariot.judas: no. you are.
waterwalker1225: no. you are. remember the plan? you’re supposed to kiss me.
iscariot.judas: oh, yeah. shit. can’t i suggest to them that i’ll just pat your back or pinch your nose or something?
waterwalker1225: nope. you have to kiss me.
waterwalker1225: on the lips.
iscariot.judas: on the lips?! no way!
waterwalker1225: lols. gotcha. of course not. just on the cheek man. eww on the lips.
iscariot.judas: double eww.
iscariot.judas has signed out. (30AD)
waterwalker1225: oh.
iscariot.judas has signed back in.
waterwalker1225: wb.
iscariot.judas: sorry, man. got dc’ed.
iscariot.judas: this happens from time to time.
iscariot.judas: think it’s my isp? or the router?
waterwalker1225: could be a virus. you should do a scan.
iscariot.judas: yeah. thaddeus probably infected my system with his flash drive when he copied my porn the other day.
waterwalker1225: hey, maggie just replied. she said she’ll send two of her newest over.
iscariot.judas: awesome.
iscariot.judas: so, i probably should take a bath now ’cause them bitches’ll be here any minute.
waterwalker1225: no rush, bro. they’re just gonna walk. camels are in the pound. illegal parking.
iscariot.judas: hey, jc, one other thing. about the noose, are you sure it’s safe?
waterwalker1225: sure as manure, as long as you put the harness on properly.
iscariot.judas: right. how long should i stay there?
waterwalker1225: until someone sees you and runs away for help. then come down and head to rendezvous point. i’ll be there.
waterwalker1225: hmmm. what else…
waterwalker1225: shit. hold on.
waterwalker1225: gotta confirm the fake nails.
waterwalker1225: brb
iscariot.judas: ok.
waterwalker1225: back.
waterwalker1225: what about the cloth lady, what’s her name?
iscariot.judas: veronica.
waterwalker1225: yeah, her. she good to go?
iscariot.judas: aye.
waterwalker1225: great. i am so excited, jude-dude. this is going to be awesome!
iscariot.judas: easy for you to say. you’ll probably be remembered as a hero while i’ll go down in history as the bastard who betrayed you.
waterwalker1225: which is a very important role, bro. without your betrayal, i will not be arrested and crucified.
iscariot.judas: please. we both know that’s not how it’s gonna be. john and his fellow bloggers are gonna have a fuckin feast with their shit and everyone will see me as the villain.
waterwalker1225: you may be a villain to them, judas, but to me, you are the hero.
iscariot.judas: aawww. thanks, jc.
waterwalker1225: i love you, bro!
iscariot.judas: jc…
iscariot.judas: you
iscariot.judas: are
iscariot.judas: such
iscariot.judas: a
iscariot.judas: FAG.

short story: Machina Ex Deus

It was a fine Wednesday morning and exactly three seconds after Barry Thodol sat down for breakfast and put his coffee mug on the smiley face coaster, the doorbell rang. The sound startled him for he could not even remember the last time he heard it. As silent as he could, he stood up and walked towards the front door. Before he could ask who it was, the doorbell rang again and Barry was almost knocked off his feet. He opened the door and saw two policemen standing there with their arms folded across their chests and wearing sunglasses.

With only his lips moving, the one on the left said: "Are you Barry Thodol?"

"Yes," Barry replied.

The one on the right suddenly held a sheet of paper in front of his face. "Did you write this short story?"

Barry looked at it. It was a printout of the short story he wrote and posted on an online community yesterday. He had given it the title Ampersands, which had absolutely nothing to do with the plot. The story was about a boy who had an irrational fear of beards and the invasion of humanoid aliens who have the longest beards in the universe. "Yes."

"You're coming with us." The policeman on the left said and brandished a pair of handcuffs.

Twenty minutes later, he was being escorted into court. It was a good thing that he was already dressed for work and it would have been quite embarrassing if he went on trial wearing pajamas. But the courtroom turned out to be very different from what Barry expected. It was small with no seats for anybody else but the judge. The policemen guided him in front of the bench, uncuffed him and left the room. The chair behind the raised desk spun around and the judge revealed himself. The judge was old and bald and wrinkly with long white nosehairs. And he was wearing pajamas.

"Do you know why you are here?" asked the judge whose name Fred Frederick was according to his nameplate.

"Nope," Barry said.

Judge Frederick yawned. "But you do know that it is against the law to write a story without a twist ending?"

"Yes," Barry said.

"That is why you are here. You have violated section 2-21b of the Literary Law."

Barry scratched his head. The judge began pounding the gavel. "There will be no head scratching in my court," screamed the judge.

"Sorry," Barry said.

"You wrote a short story entitled Ampersands which is about a beard-fearing young man who becomes the world's hero against an invasion of bearded aliens. The last two paragraphs detail how Popo, your protagonist, defeated the invaders and escaped the exploding mothership without a scratch on his skin. Am I correct?"

"Yes."

"That is not a twist ending."

Barry thought real hard and deep why Judge Frederick said so. He was about to speak again but the judge interrupted him.

"Popo, despite his phobia, managed to infiltrate the alien mothership, free the captured humans and kill hordes of alien warriors with beards. I think the proper twist ending would be his unexpected death after surviving through all those obstacles."

A moment of silence passed. Barry opened his mouth but the judge interrupted him again.

"Or he was an alien himself."

Nodding with a smile, Barry realized that that was actually a better ending. He later realized that he had been nodding with a smile for too long because Judge Frederick started tapping the desk with his fingers. "Well, Mr. Thodol?"

Barry took a deep breath and said: "Your Honor, in my line of work, I deal with people dying every day. Yesterday, I was so bored. I went home early to sleep so I could spend the night awake having fun in some bar. But the instant I lied down on the bed, the idea for the story popped into my head. It wouldn't let go and I couldn't sleep. So, I got up, went to my laptop and just began typing my idea away. As I have mentioned, death is an everyday thing to me and so, as my twist ending, I made my character live. That is my defense, Your Honor."

Frowning, the judge asked: "What line of work are you talking about?"

Barry moved his hand to scratch his head but then remembered the judge's warning. "Um...Population control."

"Oh," Judge Fredrick said. "Very well. The short story will be granted public viewing as long as you change the ending. You will be fined $100, payable now or else you'd spend a day in jail. Case dismissed."

Fortunately, Barry had exactly $100 in his wallet. Unfortunately, it meant he had to walk 6 miles to get to his office building. He was late for two hours. It was the first time anyone in the office came in late and instead of the computer screen, all eyes were on him when he entered. He reached his workstation with relief. He turned on his computer and loaded the company software. He ignored the queue of emails on his inbox. On the Name field textbox, he typed in Fred Frederick and on the Occupation field, judge. He clicked Submit. Judge Fred Frederick's profile came up. Barry clicked on the Detailed Cause of Death button and on the corresponding textbox he typed:

Judge Fred Frederick dies of a heart attack while pooping.

Barry pressed enter. He then proceeded to do his work routine: open an email, copy-paste the name to the company software and input how that person would die.

Six miles away, Judge Fred Frederick died of a heart attack while pooping.

HOW TO LOSE FRIENDS AND ALIENATE PEOPLE by jaiskizzy

the gist: shaun from shaun of the dead is now a british magazine editor who gets kicked out of celebrity parties a lot. the dude suddenly calls him up and hires him to be a writer for sharps, a better established publication based in new york. he penetrates america, the magazine, the world of hollywood and desperately wants to do the same to that hot chick from transformers. along with mary jane watson and dana scully, whose ass will he eventually kiss?

this film hits close because i, too, have had the bittersweet experience of working for a magazine. like simon pegg's character, sidney young, i went in ready to shake things up, to introduce fresh blood-ink to the pages. sure i got the chance to do my real passion and get paid for it but it never said in the contract that i had to deal with assholes and complete morons every day. so, i quit that shit and lived to tell the tale. the same cannot be said for sidney. after realizing that his(our) non-conformist attitude was getting him nowhere, he shrugged everything off and wrote the article that was forced upon him. the result: instant success. exclusive party invites, bumping bums with celebrities, even seeing the demise of his enemies. it's great because that's how things are in real life. the easiest way to the top is through someone else's bottom. still, if the only road to fulfilling your dreams is by taking shit from other people, then it's a triumph from shit and nothing to be proud of. but that's just me and my preachy intro.

anyways, as expected, simon pegg was hilarious. liked him in shaun and the bit part he did in missin:impossible 3. here, even with americanized humor, he made the role believably funny with his unlimited supply of witty quips and punchlines. his reactive facial expressions bury the pinoy comedy movie "nye!" and "acheche!" deeper in the corny cemetery. now, jeff bridges. there's a guy we havent seen for a while. after being the bald obadiah stane, it's good to see the dude back in long hair sans the 'stache and beard. his role was small but big, if you catch my drift.

i never understood why kirsten dunst was cast as mary jane in the spider-man movies. peter and harry fight over this snaggletoothed chick? anyways so i really dont get how she bags these "female-character-that-the-main-male-character-goes-nuts-for" roles. she's not attractive at all. like if i was watching flies congregating on dog poo and she walked by naked sucking on a lollipop and twirling pigtailed hair, i wouldnt bother to look. i mean, if it was me who had to choose between her and megan fox, the choice would be pretty obvious. i would definitely, no questions asked, automatically pick my girlfriend over these celebrity bitches. i love you, love.

so...

i liked the story, how it began, how it progressed, but hated how it concluded. i wished it not to go where i expected it to go, but it did and that's where the film failed me. i dont know if the book that this was based on had the same ending but it's the ending of almost about every chick flick that kept tissue manufacturers in business. oh, well... that's why it's called mainstream.


the good: the story and the simon pegg.
the bad: cliche love story ending.
the ugly: the penis.
the verdict: 7 strips of tape on the face.


skizzy old.