Tuesday, June 24, 2008

she and me

one month. one secret spot. two ice cream flavors. four french kisses. three pictures.


as much as i want the whole wicked world to know how beautiful she is, lives are at stake so i'll keep her identity hidden for now. and yes. i am one lucky ugly bastard.

goshdarnit, i am so in love with this girl.

Monday, June 23, 2008

party on, george!

about two months ago, i was leafing through sale books in powerbooks and i came across one entitled when will jesus bring the porkchops? by george carlin. george was the guy who played the cardinal in dogma and introduced the buddy jesus to the public, and then later a hitchhiker in jay and silent bob strike back who gave some trucker a blowjob in exchange for a ride. but i remember him most as rufus from the bill and ted movies. anyways, i enjoyed a few pages from the book and regret not buying it. george carlin, at 71, just died of heart failure yesterday.

i remember some one liners from that book but here's one that best fits this tragedy:

"If I ever had a stroke, I hope it will be early in the morning, so I don’t take my vitamins that day for no reason."

r.i.p., motherfucker.

Friday, June 20, 2008

AVERE VENT'ANNI by jaiskizzy

the gist: two chicks who are "young, beautiful and pissed off" meet on a beach and team up to celebrate their youth, beauty and pissed-offness. they use their allure to their advantage, hitching rides, stealing food and staying in a commune apartment for free. sex, encyclopedia selling and quite a bit of silly dancing ensue.

im trying to brush up on my obscure film knowledge and set my sights on giallo movies. giallos are italian movies know for their sexual and violent content. in this infamous attempt by a guy named fernando di leo, you see these two half-naked women strutting their shit around and craving for a lay. the title translates to "being twenty" but i didnt actually bump into girls like them when i was twenty. i probably would have gassed up their tank if i did. anyways, there is however zero gore in this movie, unless you count the notorious ending. there's ample nudity and yet no actual humping. so there's really not much to enjoy here. unless inward nipples pop your banana.

still, it wasn't completely boring. the chicks seem natural and make you think that they're really just being their real selves. i prefer the silent but naughty blonde over the loud and slutty brunetter though. watching them twist heads around and get what they want is pretty entertaining. in the commune, they settle in a room occupied by a gayish crow wannabee who's always in meditation and speaks of leaving his body there and being with the celestial father. the girls nonchalantly do their carnal cavorting right in front of him. i also liked the scene where the brunette is seducing a professor to buy the encyclopedia by touching herself. she tells him hearing the word "culture" from him makes her horny and he just repeats it nonsensically.

the ending was supposed to be a big shocker after all these seemingly pointless shenanigans but i didnt find it that appalling. it's not bloody and the "deed" is done off screen. it involves a piece of wood. at this point though, the girls get to showcase their acting chops. and i was relieved that it was the ending because it was one of the worst actings i've ever seen. she was being assaulted by men but the blonde chick looked like she was swatting invisible bees. jeez.

the good: the uninhibited leads.
the bad: plotless, pointless, painless.
the ugly: needs a trim.
the verdict: 4 packs of marlboro for a blowjob.


old, ugly and very, very pissed off.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

THE INCREDIBLE HULK by jaiskizzy

the gist: after finally defeating tyler durden, the nameless guy who created fight club (which i should not be talking about) now faces a bigger split personality problem, literally: thanks to gamma radiation, when he gets angry, he becomes the un-jolly green giant known as the incredible hulk, which is on its way to become a synonym for "uh-oh". so, he searches every crook and nanny of the earth to find a cure so that he could finally bang his girlfriend. also, hot on his heels are his girlfriend's asshole dad and mr. orange, who shoots himself up with the jealousy juice and becomes mr. not-orange. will the mild-mannered bruce banner be able to put his inner beast to good use and win the girl in the end and say "hulk smooch!!!"?

i am pretty much the quintessential comic book geek but i wasn't really a big fan of the incredible hulk as much as i was of spider-man and superman. but i did catch media-jump snippets here and there of this jekyll-and-hyde story of superhero proportions, from the silly, stiff 2d cartoon where only the mouth moved most of the time (doc bruce banner... pelted by gamma rays, turned into the hulk) to the live-action tv series. and there was the ang lee shit of a movie that could have been good, with the comic-booky feel and jennifer connelly, except it was shitty. so when news broke out that the marvel studios was itching for a reboot with louis letterier at the helm and edward norton as his main man, i was like, okay, now we're talking. the director who directed transporter and the actor who kicked a guy's teeth into the curb? genius. i was sold.

the film does a nice way of being both a reboot and a sequel and not totally denying the first one's existence by putting the hulk's origin in the opening credits. we are then dropped smack right into banner's continuing struggle to stay, um...un-hulked, keeping his heart rate down, staying away from trouble and preventing his blood from making unofficial trips (stan lee cameo!) while trying to find a cure in brazil. his first hulk out scene was neato. the movie is set up nicely with downtimes, like the pretty sweet king kong-ish scene between hulk and betty, to prepare you for the pulse pumping action sequences. and if you're as much a geek as i am, pay close attention to just about every little detail and you'll see and hear something to make you tickled pink. or green, in this case. one is lou ferrigno, hulk from the tv series, who cameos as a school guard. he also voices the hulk here by the way (yes, hulk "talks" in the movie, have tissues in hand to wipe your crotch when that comes). the other is captain america. he's not in the movie, though. however, if you know your marvel, you'll know what i mean. the rest, like the sequel hint, you find out for yourselves.

and that's one of the great things about what marvel studios has done. they have actually brought the marvel universe to the silverscreen. only awesomeness can come of this endeavor. from nick fury's iron man appearance to the pre-end credit scene cameo of [spoiler], it's safe to assume that there'll be a day when you're watching a spider-man movie and wolverine arrives to give a helping claw. im sure dc's gearing up to do the same thing. batman vs. superman, anyone?

edward norton as dr. bruce banner should win an award for best casting choice. his voice, his face, his whole being is perfect for the good guy who hides a monstrous id and none's the wiser. plus, he's a better actor than the previous dude. yes, eric bana is a good actor but he's just not bruce banner to me. he's like green paint and a couple of bench presses away from being the hulk. also, mr. norton has always had a go at the scripts of his movies and the dude can definitely write. it only shows that he's not just some actor-for-hire who does what he's told and leaves with a thicker wallet. he immerses himself into the material to make it better for the audience. and then there is of course the amazing tim roth who was just as great as emil blonsky, who sees the hulk as nothing more than a challenge. badass.

good job, louis! i could hear ang lee whimpering in some corner. with a better screenplay, better execution and better cgi, this hulk is indeed incredible. marvel studios is on a roll, baby. cant wait for the captain america and avengers movies. excelsior!


the good: the days with incident, the tv series homage, the marvel universe continuity, edward norton
the bad: no captain america!
the ugly: liv "fatty" tyler.
the verdict: 8 sodas fortified with banner blood


bruised boner.

Friday, June 06, 2008

jackpot

i've had my mouth shut about something ginormous in my life and it's getting pretty hard to keep my lips together so im opening the corner of my mouth just a little bit to let some air out:

i have a girlfriend. the screaming muse is real. i did not assume her nickname, pretending to be her and giving myself a tongue bath of egotistic praises. my brand spankin new true-to-life girlfriend did that and she is one fuckin amazing woman. actually, girl because she's quite young (but legal, ok?), but she would whip me with burning barbed wire til my butt's out of flesh if i consider her a child so, yeah, she is one fuckin amazing woman. she's so amazing, the people on the posters in your bedroom should have posters of her in their bedrooms. she's so amazing, i believe she can cure cancer with the wink of her eye. she's so amazing, that if anyone playing a crossword puzzle asks me, "what's a 6-letter word for the most perfect thing in the world?" i would say, "my girlfriend." and then they'd be like, "but that's 12 letters." to which i wouldn't have a reply because i'd probably be floating in the air already because the slightest thought of her gives me superfloat powers. yes.

anyways, the relationship has "complicated" scribbled all over it but i love her so much and i'd give up my kidney, the ability to type, my thingamajig that has pins which follows the contour of anything it's pressed upon and my whole porn collection under the bed just for a glimpse of her smile that angels envy.

h.o.l.l.a.n.d.