baroque concerto grosso

today's topic, kids, is music. but first a little music background (not background music). i basically like rock and, to cut the inevitable long story short, i used to buy casette tapes and cds. but then the internet happened and mp3s became the universal format for auditory stimulation. however, unlike most downloaders, i give a shit about musicians losing money to piracy. buying overpriced albums at this day and age of physical player extinction is impractical. and the only other option for me to pay those guys back is to go to their concerts.

im a casual fan. i do not idolize any of them. i do not define my life by their lyrics. i just love their music and want to see them perform live and actually pay for it which is worth every peso because no amount of speakers or hertz of quality can match the real deal. there, it's not just listening anymore. it's an entire experience. you the vocalist actually sing the lyrics and the other members actual play their instruments all while surrounded with (hopefully) other true fans. so i find it stupid to see people brand themselves as big fans of some bands and not go to their concerts.

Or, inversely, i find it even stupider that there are people who worship musicians and claim to be diehard fans just because of one song, as dictated by being in. a coworker of mine just now said that psy is her idol, because of gangnam style. my wife showed me someone's tweet about a girl saying she is the number one fan of maroon 5 despite the fact that the only song of theirs she knows is payphone. these people are not fans. they're trend slaves. if for some reason, justin bieber released a song of nothing but farts and the media eats it up, these people would be preaching it's the best thing that penetrated their ears. this "phenomenon" is also because of the internet. it is now easier to start a fad and follow them, regardless of everything else.

i watched the first maroon 5 concert in moa back when payphone and moves like jagger weren't hits. they just played their classic songs. im sure there were people there who just went because they thought adam levine was hot and could care less about what he sang. but there wasn't this thing that there is now. on the night of the 2nd concert which was in araneta, i was watching the news and this guy was interviewed. he said he'd been a fan of maroon 5 for many years. and then the clincher: he said he was excited because it was his first time to see them live. so i was like, no, dude, you just drank the kool-aid.

p.s. also, may the idea of walking around wearing headsets is cool die.

this is where your taxes go

sometime ago, they decided to strictly enforce the speed limit. fast and furious drivers traversing the south luzon expressway suddenly received a piece of police literature. it's a good law. it lessens accidents. but what about those bozos going way below the speed limit? do they flag them down and ticket them as well? i bet no or else i wouldn't find myself driving in a very long queue behind a hearse-velocity truck on a highway which i paid the toll for. why do they let these slugs go by? don't say they don't cause accidents because im pretty sure that a lot of those accidents were due to drivers overtaking these motherfuckers. cop dudes, dont single out the speedsters. implement the law completely. go after motorists who go over and below the speed limit. get these slowpokes out of my way and stick tickets up their shitholes. i mean, chasing them shouldn't be that hard, right?

one of the things i hate seeing on the news is the shenanigans against piracy. they confiscate piles of 8 in 1s, apprehend the vendors and give a job-well-done interview. that's it? that's the only thing in their job description, mission and vision? take the fakes and smile for the camera? what about the legal ones in the video stores? why are they overpriced crap compared to the pirated copies? how about the theaters? why are they still showing the same old pinoy ideas-stolen-from-hollywood movie crap in the cinemas? where can the rare films destroyed in dvd form be seen? why rate a film r and release it if there are going to be cuts? and why are the cuts done by a 5-year-old using windows moviemaker? your job does not stop at hunting down the dvd cloners. make those films available legally and ensure quality viewing in cinemas. (also, instead of showing a stupid comedy skit about illegal recording along with the trailers, they should threaten the morons and the assholes that they'd be kicked out with no refund for talking, texting, answering calls, commenting loudly, reacting unnecessarily, bringing children and ruining other folks' experience during the movie.)

now the issue regarding plagiarism, i don't want to even begin. ive already wasted two long paragraphs worth of your time and i'd rather start concluding this post than make it any more longer due to a topic i so strongly oppose. i'll just say: plagiarism is wrong, whether there's a law against it or not, and anyone who does not understand that simple fact should not be in public office.

why are there road constructions (ongoing or abandoned) everywhere? why do streets quickly turn into lakes after a little rain? why do we get our butts kicked in the olympics? why is it that no matter how hard you work, you'll never be richer than the already rich? because this country is being run by a bunch of buffoons doing half-assed jobs for double/triple the pay stolen from our pockets.

monochrome optique

my ludovico project is near culmination. i actually feared i'd fail to hit the target what with the scarce personal free time of a working family man. i managed to finish the movies during bathroom breaks, idle time at work and several moments pre and post sleep. right now, the focus is on black and white movies, squeezing in one or two colored ones. if you're bored, interested, or insane and want to check my progress, you can flutter by my twitter by stabbing the chocobo on the right with your mouse pointer.

anyways, i bet this one's never crossed your mind: when people do countdowns, say 1-5, why do they always count like this: 1, 2, 3, 4, 4 1/2, 4 3/4, 5? why not 1, 2, 3, 4, 4 1/3, 4 2/3, 4 3/4, 5?! why do they always skip 2/3?

i seriously think that a law against giving atm cards and driving licenses to idiots should be passed. what a quick cash withdrawal and diaper purchase turned into an expletive-laden test of patience due to these intelligence-deprived creatures. these imbeciles have some sort of belief that they're special and important and so they make you waste your time waiting for them as they struggle to accomplish a supposedly simple task. typical atm routine of a moron: insert card, check balance, get card, look at receipt, decide on amount to withdraw, insert card again, take a while to figure it how much to withdraw, time runs out, get card, look at receipt again, insert card again, withdraw cash, get card, look at new receipt, decide to withdraw again, insert card, withdraw cash, get card, look at receipt and for some apparent reason these motherfuckers have exclusive knowledge of, they complete disergard the long queue of irate people behind them and insert the atm card for the last time to check the balance again! somebody please murder these people.

p.s. yes. random shit again. but this relaxes my earlobes.
p.p.s. hmm i guess hard work does pay off sometimes. i hope this goes on so i wouldn't have to leave this country and my family.

shiny graves for frozen slaves

save your brain cells. title's nonsense generated online. so let's cut the crap, slice the shit, fillet the feces and dice the doodie and get the turdball rolling for my random stuff commentary enumerated in japanese.

ichi: watched sucker punch with my sweet pea babydoll yesterday (and in the process of piecemealing a review) and there was a bunch of bozos bitchslapped to stultiloquence by the real-to-imaginary world switch. i hate these kind of people. why do they question the movie the moment they see something they cant comprehend? cant they automatically conclude that it may possibly be explained in subsequent scenes or at the end? or even if it's never explained, cant these morons just shut the hell up and watch the damn movie? i mean, seriously, i hope there was a way to keep these idiots from getting inside the theater, or at least the ones im in. (they can do all the shit as much as they want in theaters showing pinoy flicks) i dont see movies theatricaly that much but almost every time i do, there'll be these imbeciles ruining the whole experience for me. i hate all of these people who want the entire movie plot spoonfed to them 100% clear, who watch but dont see and hear but don't listen, who want all movies tailor-made to their satisfaction. they're like wet ugly baby birds in a nest chirping with their beaks open and the mother bird has to chew and spit their worms for them. they shouldn't be sold tickets to films that are beyond their mental capacity and, accordingly, shouldn't be allowed to rant about it in their reviews. if you're one of them, fuck you.

ni: the director of sucker punch, zack snyder, will also direct the new superman reboot and nearly every week a new cast member is announced. joining henry cavill (supes/clarky), kevin costner (jonathan kent) and diane lane (martha kent) is amy adams as lois lane. i like the first three, but amy adams as lois lane just ruffle my feathers, if you catch my drift. sure it's a smart decision to cast an oscar nominated actress in a role integral to the story but i strongly believe miss adams aint right for the part. lois lane is supposed to be tough, a woman with an attitude. she's this daring reporter who's not afraid to stick her nose where she shouldn't, just to get the scoop. that's why she's always getting herself into situations where superman's presence is required. so it is only makes sense to get an actress who looks the part in one look. margot kidder did well in the old movies and that chick from smallville was just awesome. but amy adams doesn't look tough. even if she had fangs. this lois lane looks like she'll need superman's help because she's stupid and weak. i'll trust your decision, snyder-man, but i really think queen gorgo, carla gugino and olivia wilde are better choices. 

san: after over a year of invisibility, ping "i have no balls" lacson has resurfaced, answering questions from the media insisting he did no wrong. except that hiding from justice is wrong. when you're a former cop and now a senator whom people voted to uphold the law, being a fugitive when you're accused of murder is very, very wrong. the issue here isn't his guilt or innocence or whether the prosecutors are after him. the issue here is that ping lacson is a coward. he's telling every filpino out there, especially the criminals-to-be, that hiding from the law is okay. he said he hid because he's innocent. but that's his word. even if there is no evidence against you and they're just ganging up on you to get you behind bars, isn't facing your accusers the manly way of dealing with this problem? is hiding really the way to prove your innocence? bullshit. who the fuck elected for this guy? so the thing is if someone decides to kill another one, he could simply say he's innocent, go into hiding and wait it all out? what a way to show the country what a law-abiding citizen you are, lacson. and you even had the gall to compare yourself to a prisoner? prisoners dont get to eat what they want, they dont sleep on comfortable beds, they dont get to chat with their families or surf the internet to pass time, they don't get to travel from country to country, and you have the nerve to align yourself with them? you bastard. i think the only thing that you and the prisoners have in common is getting your ass pounded because that's probably the only thing that got you through this "ordeal" of yours. fuck you. (and to those journalists who interviewed him but did not have the guts to ask the right questions, fuck you too.)

what's your sign? dead end.

librans have been described as bastions of balance, appreciators of aesthetics, champions and of charm. and, as someone born on september 26, i believed that that's who i was for years. not that i strongly adhered to that belief. (there are facets to my being that cannot be specified) it's more like, yeah, i'm like exactly that but not everyone with the same sign as mine could possibly be like that, right? (proven by a few librans ive encountered who have never known fairness) in relation with my previous post, im pretty sure i was born this way and merely connected some personality traits associated with libra, and definitely never reformatted myself just to fit the zodiac template.

so anyways, news has spread like spam mail about the revamped horoscopic dodecahedron. astrologers were like, hey, palmreader, wassup? nothing much, balltoucher. just bored and out of generic horoscope ideas. don't worry, dude, i got just the thing. it's 2011, so let's shake things up a bit and add another zodiac sign for lols. that's awesome! let's pick ophiuchus and squeeze him between scorpio and sagittarius. why that one? because i said so, bitch! now go and buy me pizzz. my ass is itchy.

to sum the poorly written astrologers' conversation, yes, because of some constellation readjustment, they added a new zodiac, ophiuchus, meaning there are now 13 signs. despite my triskaidekaphilia, my sign is now supposedly virgo, which just doesn't make sense. but the idiocy does not end there. astronomers have "confirmed" this clustercrap and gave a correction of epic fail proportions: it's been that way for years. in other words, those newspaper and tv horoscopes you've been basing your daily lives on have been false as your grandparents' pearly whites.


screw this zodiac shit. from now on im just a guy who stands for balance, appreciates beauty and possesses ridiculous amounts of charm.

and likes pizza.




p.s. today's realization: it's fiesta downtown and the jeepneys have been rerouted. and guess what, captain obvious? zero traffic jams.

rollerskating octopus, exit stage left

while eating chickenjoy for lunch and hopping channels for good tv background noise, i came upon a zombie movie where a couple of doctors were explaining zombification to a soldier so i was like, yes gore! exploding heads, spurting blood and falling entrails, the perfect audiovisual complement to my meal. then one of the soldiers stumbled into a strip club.

and i immediately thought of a particular local talent show where an actress supposedly won by poledancing. when people had talked about her performance some time ago, i didn't react because, i guess, i just didn't gave a shit about it that day. but today, with the image of that actress accepting her prize for slithering around a vertical rod (even though i didnt actually watch it) projected in my cranial wall, i was like, wait a minute, mcfly, pole-effing-dancing?! that's one of the most useless talents ever, if it's even correct to consider it a talent. commence defensive argument:

i've always believed that talent is something that you're born with, that it's already part of your dna configuration the moment you're conceived. and talent being innate, it should be something you can do without using special objects or equipment or anything else. you can do it anytime, anywhere with near-zero preparation. anything that requires external aids and can be learned is not a talent but a skill. like in rpg games, you learn skills. for example, magic isn't talent. anybody can do it with the proper training and props. when you were born, you did not have genes that give you super card-shuffling ability. now, singing is a talent. and by singing i mean great vocal prowess and not ear-damaging wailing of people whose ears are already too damaged to hear how bad they sound. that is not singing.

my wife is an amazing singer. and because that is her inborn talent, she can sing on the spot because that beautiful voice of hers came part of the package when the stork delivered her to her parents. (which makes me hate my voice even more) dancers can show their moves without music. a couple of steps and you'd already know if one is a good dancer because that unfakeable sense of motion was built-in when they passed the assembly line in the baby factory. i considered writing as my talent but since that needs pen and paper (or keyboard), ive realized my real talent is storytelling. i can spend hours and hours blabbering about my ideas.

so, whether it's in the office, out on the street or a kid's party, my wife, some dancer and i can show everyone our talents. a poledancer cannot. and, of course, should not.

p.s. it's too early to determine iaine's true talent, but for now, her talent is being extremely cute.

p.p.s. although... a poledancer can do routines on a streetsign. but that's just stupid.

motorcycle morons make me mad

while my way long overdue post on epigonism remains in gestation, allow me to squeeze this recent-events-inspired one in. first, the indirect motorcycle mishap...

three nights ago, we (jeean, iaine and the driver/me and my in-laws: mommy, linlyn, zshalia and adrienne and) were headed for sm to have dinner in celebration iaine's 2nd month. we had just crossed the only bridge to our destination and, as usual, traffic moved at chelonian pace. as the car in front of us began to move forward from a full stop, i heard the irritating blare of horn from a far-behind but incoming motorcycle. as the noise grew louder, a couple on a moped slowed down on the right side of the lane ahead of us. suddenly, the source of the auditory annoyance arrived at breakneck speed and, adjective appropriate, the rider swerved to avoid the two-wheeler upfront and crashed on the side of the road all by himself. unaware, the mopeders went on and joined the other cars in the distance. without wasting a single micromoment of his wipeout, the stuntman audition reject abruptly stood up, left his motorcycle on the road and ran away. whether it was because he wanted to chase the moped, save his face from shame or it was simply due to inertia, we didn't stay long enough to find out. we drove around the fallen machine and talked and laughed about the whole thing for ten seconds.

the incident last thursday afternoon, however, took a pretty serious turn. we (jeean, iaine and i) were headed for sm (yet again) to grab some grub and have my old, timeworn specs replaced by new ones. after iaine's monthly pedia visit, we took a detour and stopped over my in-laws' house to retrieve my wedding ring which i inadvertently left in the bathroom. with the ring back around its designated wearer, i steered the revo back onto the road (i drive pretty fast when im alone but not when im with my family. now, with iaine, i drive even slower). we had not gone far from the house when a wackadoo on wheels suddenly shot out from the other side of the road and tried to take my space on the lane, nearly crashing into us. thank goodness i had taken my presence-of-mind pills that day and was able to quickly swerve away with enough inches to prevent the biked bastard for causing any damage. as i told jeean later that day, i'd have shrugged it off if i was alone (or scare the motorcycled maniac off the road by "pretending" to run him over). but in that instant, all i could think of was iaine. if i had reacted a teensy bit later or the revo had been a couple of notches faster, the motorcycle would surely have smashed on my side and we probably would have been sent crashing onto something or someone on the right side of the road. jeean and i could survive that unscathed. but a two-month old baby? i dont think so.

anyways, as i fought for control of the vehicle, the motorcycled monster did as well and slowed down behind us. i stopped in the middle of the highway and waited for him to pass. he stopped on jeean's side and the asshole had the audacity to tell me that i should have been looking where i was going. of course, i gave an expletive-ridden reply of a madman. he should have been looking where he was going because the lane was mine and he was the one attempting to take it. any person with a brain would wait until both lanes are clear before entering the lane on the other side. there wasnt even a way for me to know that he was coming onto the highway. he just popped out from nowhere. i was brimming with anger for this imbecile and literally in the process of destroying my vocal chord and having an aneurysm (also, creating a mile-long car queue). i was on the verge of getting out of the revo and introducing the douchebag to my fists when he finally asked for forgiveness, which was the first thing he should have said. he was at fault and no form of logic, law or common sense would say otherwise. he backed off and muttered about going home or something. i sincerely hope that he has taken the time to meditate about his actions and then shoot himself in the head. i really do.

so, to cap things off, fuck motorcycle morons and any kind of arrogant moron for that matter. just because you know how to do something, it does not mean you're good at it. if you dont value your life (the two idiots weren't wearing helmets btw), we value ours so fuck off and die already.

p.s. to contrast, there's a lot of things to hate in this world and everything to love about my daughter.
p.p.s. my dad used to bike around and he is very good at it. he also did motocross, so yeah, these shitheads will eat his dust.
p.p.p.s. my apologies for the fucking language.

the sky is blue

most bloggers would start the year by posting something positive, usually about putting the mistakes of 2009 behind and looking forward to a happy 2010. most bloggers. but not me. sure, i'll be a father real soon and there's no better year-opener than having a baby daughter. i'll do that when she's out. so, in the meantine, let's do a recap of some recent f-word-appropriate events.

i used to watch the tonight show with jay leno, especially the part where he shows hilarious newspaper clippings, which, in retrospect, seems to be the only funny thing about that show. but i enjoyed late night with conan o'brien more (even before it blipped into mainstream audience radar) especially with the occasional appearances of triumph, the masturbating bear and the vomiting kermit. the very first episode of late night i saw was the one where famke janssesn demonstrated her goldeneye character's trademark leg squeeze. anyways, so jay leno passed the tonight show torch to conan last year but then, in a dazzling display of douchebaggery, the big-chinned bastard took it back, forcing conan to a later timeslot. conan, of course, wont take that crap and has decided to leave nbc. still no word on where coco will go but i've got two words for nbc and jay leno: fuck you.

traffic jams and idiot drivers test my boiling point, too, but the heat never leaves the car, except for the angry honking. this jason ivler guy, however, blamed his lousy driving skills on the car ahead of him and traded three bullets for the poor guy's life. as expected of all testicle-deprived assholes, mr. ivler pussied out and disappeared like his balls. for months, the nbi searched every crook and nanny but the cocksniffer could not be found. some guy who didnt even look like him was detained and deported from qatar just because he shared a similar name. so, where's waldork? well, lo and behold, the turdlicker's been home all along, in a secret basement room, abetted by his mother, who had previously made endearing public statements asking her son to surrender and told the police who had made several visits to their house that her bitch-ass son was not there. im all for loving your children, but supporting your child's murder capabilities is stupid parenting. so, fuck you, jason ivler and your mom.

oh, and in relation to the preceding post, fuck you, mmff.

the mtrcb has done it again. and by that, i mean, proving that they are a bunch of morons. there is a reason why films are classified according to content. g for kid-safe movies, pg for movies that need parental attention, and r for adults-only movies. so, i dont understand why there is a need for r-rated movies to have some scenes cut out in the worst possible way before they are shown in theaters. but the real point of this paragraph is the showtime issue which, no matter how they say it isn't, smells fishy. a male host from the rival network of rip-offs has been saying way more insulting remarks and i havent heard him suspended for a day. one showtime guest proclaims an offensive but valid argument and the whole show is order off the air, despite the self-regulatory move of kicking that guest out? the rival network's talk show in the same timeslot has been axed, by the way, due to irremediable ratings. so, yeah, there has got to be cash involved there somewhere. but even if there was not, fuck you, mtrcb and fuck you gma7.

normally this space gets a short closing paragraph of its own. but... that's it for now.

a tragic mix of magic tricks

wow. i have wanted to use that title for so long a time. anyways, magic has been a form of societal entertainment for eons. im pretty sure jesus, with his walking-on-water and multiplying bread acts, was an illusionist himself. but from those days up to houdini's time, it didnt take much to fool the audience. pull a rabbit out of a hat or make a handkerchief vanish and bricks will be shat around you. nowadays, any self-respecting magician who attempts those tricks, even on kids, has got to be a fuckin moron.

"...and voila! my left testicle."

thanks to the masked magician, the veil has been lifted from our eyes and we now know how a lot of those magic tricks were done. i dont know about you, but i really never needed him to reveal those secrets. as a kid, magic amazed me but i knew deep within myself that it's all a well-orchestrated illusion. what sets davids copperfield and blaine from the rest is execution. you can bet your asscheeks that the tricks they do are humanly impossible, but they do it so exceptionally awesome that a part of you suspends disbelief and may just accept it is real because that itsy bitsy part of you could not deduce how that exceptionally awesome illusion was done.

i saw on tv "comedian-turned-magician" bearwin meily as he prepared to perform a classic: the water escape. because of this endeavor, the media has dubbed him the pinoy houdini. i have nothing against him, i actually kept an open mind, but i knew it was bullshit and his poor execution proved it was bullshit. couldnt find a video on youtube so here's an unbiased account of the proceedings: bearwin presented the water-filled tank, which will be shrouded by curtains on all sides. audience members were asked to check the tank. he then showed the tank lid, knocking on the steel plates and said they were real. a cop gave him cuffs which put on himself and then he was restrained with chains and two padlocks. he entered the tank, the lid was placed on top and locked. as he began to hold his breath and try to struggle free, the front curtain is closed to hide what was going on. matching the beat of the background music, the curtain was raised a couple more times, for a few seconds, to show the progress of his escape until the digital clock on-screen was past the amount of time an average human could hold their breath. bearwin, of course, escapes unharmed and me, unimpressed.

i assume that this is how it was done: usually, anyone asked by a magician to check equipment is part of the act. but the tank seemed real so it would be safe to say that the checkers weren't paid. the lid, however, is immediately questionable. two of his crew held it and only he touched it. plus, it was a large, square piece of flat steel with a steel frame and, suspiciously, two parallel steel bars in the middle. why not an x or no horizontal bars at all? because the middle plate between those steel bars slides open, enough for bearwin to poke his out and breathe while the curtains are down. this water escape wasnt as dangerous as he claims it to be. kudos to him though for acting serious. anyways, the second bogus aspect of his act was chain. the handcuffs were rigged ones of course, unlocked at a button-push. the chains were real but he wore it in such a way that anybody could escape easily from it. all he had to do was puff up his chest and tense his arm and shoulder muscles while the chains were placed around him to make it look like it's really tight around him. once in the water, all he had to do was relax his body and the chains would slip free. (try it at home. puff up your chest and tense your upper body and have someone tie a string around you. then relax and you're out). the stupid thing about the chain was on one occasion that the curtains were pulled up, his arms were free and there was only one padlock remaining, making the chain a loose necklace and the padlock, the pendant. and yet, bearwin was still pretending to be having a hard time with it even though it was pretty obvious that all he had to do was pull the chain over his head. that was really fucking stupid.

so, yeah, what was hailed as a houdini-ish feat by a filipino, the first one on tv, was actually nothing but a big pile of bullcrap. what a shame. i mean, even when he had that little weekly magic show, it was very underwhelming because there was nothing new and exciting to see and i merely watched a few episodes of it just to see which tricks they've ripped off from others. and that's the thing with magic these days. so many are doing the same things that it's not really entertaining anymore. so, at this important juncture (tee-hee), i present to you some tips for magician on how to improve their acts:

do the trick in your underwear. no long=sleeved shirts, loose black pants, jackets, capes, hats or any item of clothing that are usually used to hide shit. i would have suggested doing the whole thing completely naked but that would be disgusting.

do the trick with minimal cover. every time anything cannot be seen, something is going on so do away with the large cloths, smoke bombs and the like. turn that little kitten into a tiger right before our eyes. walk through that wall unconcealed. make that car fade away in plain sight.

do the trick in broad daylight, on a clear field. no stages, no curtains, no special equipment. just you and your trick, before a real audience.

do the trick without volunteers who you obviously paid (or threatened) to pretend that they're not part of the act. this is easy in relation to doing the trick with minimal cover. you dont need people to hold hands together around you and such. just stand there and do everything yourself. if help is needed to do the trick, dont do the trick. do a trick that doesnt involve anybody else.

do the trick live but not with your own crew. no pre-recorded tv specials. call up every network and make the trick a news event. let the different camera crews shoot where and how they want. plus, no suspense countdowns or commercial breaks. when everyone's there, just say what you're going to do and immediately do it.

do the trick without props prepared beforehand. no pre-shuffled cards or gimmicked boxes. anything you need to use for the trick, you take from where you are. in fact, it would be loads better if no props would be used at all.

finally, just do the damn trick. no long stories, no jokes, no big gestures, no dancing.

"for your next training, apprentice, you will guess what i had for breakfast

by smelling my palm which i had just farted on..."

here is an example of a magical feat in accordance with the rules i have mentioned:

in broad daylight, the magician is standing half-naked in an empty lot, surrounded by a crowd of people and some news crews. the magician then announces what he will do: he will crack open his skull, take out his brain, eat it and shit it whole. then, he lies down on the ground and smashes his head with a big rock until the top part of his skull is shattered. he stands up and pulls out his brain. he breaks off a piece and eats it. he keeps doing this until he has eaten all of his brain. he then takes off his underwear, squats and shits out a whole brain. he puts it back in his head, takes the pieces of his skull and rebuilds it like a jigsaw puzzle. as a final flourish, he picks his nose and flicks a booger into the air and it turns into a dragon which he rides on to leave. applause.

all or nothing

on my previous post i said that my wife's beauty was kind of a visual confirmation of a supreme being's handiwork, thereby putting a bit of strain on my lack of belief. that was a thoroughly honest statement. then, ondoy came along (on the day of my birthday even) and re-fueled my predisposition for questions.

we all know what happened. saturday and it kept raining and raining real hard with mighty winds until late in the afternoon, we are watching the news where a man is neck-deep in the flood and still protecting himself with an umbrella. suddenly, dams are spilling, there are brown rivers where there shouldn't be and people are on the roofs of their houses. a disaster beyond expectations. and the more i saw of the effects of ondoy's wrath, the more blasphemy entered my mind. but the core of all my questions was: god did this.

all religious people attribute anything good to god. they win something, thank you, god. they get well from illness, thank you, god. but whenever something bad happens, it's usually one of three things: a) god is punishing them; b) god is testing them; c) god had nothing to do with it. so which of the three does ondoy fall into?

a) god sent ondoy to punish the people in the affected areas - if this is true, then god is pretty mean. he didnt leave room for forgiveness. he just went on and slapped his big holy hand across the faces of these poor people. which is a wrong thing for a god to do, especially for one who has forgiveness 101 in their curriculum. is this some sort of punish first, forgive later? if so, then what about the "be like god" thing? guy x murders guy w, guy w's family should then kill guy x and say "okay, dude. we forgive you now." the equation does not compute. plus, i don't think that all of the people who suffered were complete sinners. innocent kids drowned. what did god punish them for? not eating vegetables? if ondoy was god's consequence for not adhering to his strict guidlines, then he shouldve sent that darn typhoon over to the malacanang palace as well.

b) god sent ondoy to test the faith of the people in the affected areas and the kindness of the people in the unaffected areas - you always hear people saying things happen for a reason, and it's usually a test from god. again, the innocent children, what was the test for? if they could swim? a pregnant woman died in a landslide. he was testing how long she could hold her breath? if it was a test of faith, then it's a pretty dumb test because there is no way you can have coherent thoughts, let alone pray, when your lungs are filling up with water faster than you could complete the sign of the cross. i know tests shouldnt be easy. but they dont have to be matter-of-life-and-death hard.

c) god did not send ondoy - a friend of mine insists that the whole thing was man-caused. the flooding, yeah, maybe, but without the nonstop rain, there will be no flood. weren't we all made (forced) to believe that god created everything? everything, including weather. but let us just say that ondoy wasnt from god. then where did ondoy come from? science explains the whole deal, of course, and just about anything there is to be explained. so, if ondoy was not godsent, god does not exist. if the tragedy was all our fault, every single thing that ever happened, good and bad, we all did to ourselves. there's no bullshit there. if god does exist, sure he lets you get the good stuff sometimes but then he was also behind every fuck-up you've experienced in your life. it's either god gave you that sports car and also killed your parents, or you worked hard to buy the car and cancer killed your parents.

i wouldnt know if any of the unfortunate readers of this blog and this particular post would get what im trying to say. im not here to preach. im merely asking questions and laying arguments based on the facts. i just cant agree to the thinking that if it's a miracle, god did it but if it's a disaster, he didnt do it, or if he did do, it's because he wanted to punish you or test you. and that's what's so annoying about religion. anything that supports their beliefs, they accept without question but anything that threatens, they blind themselves from reality, and yet they're always the very first and the very worst at denying other people's beliefs and forcing theirs upon them.

if you believe in god, you should not go to hospitals, you shouldnt lock your doors, you should cross the street with eyes closed, you shouldnt need money because, as the big neon sign in guadalupe proclaims (not sure if it's still there), jesus/god alone saves. sheesh.

so... let the reactions begin!

ego at large

the public is hereby warned about a mental patient that escaped from the facility on an undetermined date. several police reports have been collected regarding a deranged female spotted in several locations, mostly around makati, with the following eye-witness descriptions: in mid-20s, 5'4" with high-heeled shoes, thick and overly lipsticked lips, nostrils bigger than the craters on the moon, long, not-regularly-shampooed hair with lice infestation and was last seen wearing something really, really horrible. the suspect, currently known as "excrementia" is extremely and dangerously annoying. we repeat, the suspect is extremely, dangerously annoying.

accurate police sketch of the suspect.
we apologize for your subsequent nightmares.

two witnesses, a couple madly in love with each other, encountered the suspect at an intersection in makati. according to their released statements, the suspect "walked like the ground was a runway and talked as if she was the queen of the world." the very beautiful and sexy female witness with an amazing rack and delectable legs, who chose to be hidden under the name "eatmybust", was a nurse and, upon listening to the suspect's verbal diarrhea, assumed that the suspect "was suffering, or more appropriately, reveling in grandiose delusion." the male witness with a big cock who chose to be hidden under the name "mrbigcock", agreed with his beloved companion and said, "i agree." according to the couple, they left the suspect "smoking a cigarette under the rain for fear that it multiplies when wet." the witnesses then went to sm mall of asia, watched monsters vs. aliens on imax and fell in love with each other even more.

a firm believer of the slut-til-death movement which it started itself, the suspect is presumed to have gained a cult following of idiots who have been lured to kiss its ass, due to the suspect's ability to suck brain cells out of people. if you have any information regarding the whereabouts of the suspect, please do not hesitate to keep it to yourself. it is also highly recommended for your safety that if suspect is on sight, do not approach for any reason. best course of action in the presence of the suspect is to ignore it.

p.s. whatever, layla. you're such a loser.