a tragic mix of magic tricks

wow. i have wanted to use that title for so long a time. anyways, magic has been a form of societal entertainment for eons. im pretty sure jesus, with his walking-on-water and multiplying bread acts, was an illusionist himself. but from those days up to houdini's time, it didnt take much to fool the audience. pull a rabbit out of a hat or make a handkerchief vanish and bricks will be shat around you. nowadays, any self-respecting magician who attempts those tricks, even on kids, has got to be a fuckin moron.

"...and voila! my left testicle."

thanks to the masked magician, the veil has been lifted from our eyes and we now know how a lot of those magic tricks were done. i dont know about you, but i really never needed him to reveal those secrets. as a kid, magic amazed me but i knew deep within myself that it's all a well-orchestrated illusion. what sets davids copperfield and blaine from the rest is execution. you can bet your asscheeks that the tricks they do are humanly impossible, but they do it so exceptionally awesome that a part of you suspends disbelief and may just accept it is real because that itsy bitsy part of you could not deduce how that exceptionally awesome illusion was done.

i saw on tv "comedian-turned-magician" bearwin meily as he prepared to perform a classic: the water escape. because of this endeavor, the media has dubbed him the pinoy houdini. i have nothing against him, i actually kept an open mind, but i knew it was bullshit and his poor execution proved it was bullshit. couldnt find a video on youtube so here's an unbiased account of the proceedings: bearwin presented the water-filled tank, which will be shrouded by curtains on all sides. audience members were asked to check the tank. he then showed the tank lid, knocking on the steel plates and said they were real. a cop gave him cuffs which put on himself and then he was restrained with chains and two padlocks. he entered the tank, the lid was placed on top and locked. as he began to hold his breath and try to struggle free, the front curtain is closed to hide what was going on. matching the beat of the background music, the curtain was raised a couple more times, for a few seconds, to show the progress of his escape until the digital clock on-screen was past the amount of time an average human could hold their breath. bearwin, of course, escapes unharmed and me, unimpressed.

i assume that this is how it was done: usually, anyone asked by a magician to check equipment is part of the act. but the tank seemed real so it would be safe to say that the checkers weren't paid. the lid, however, is immediately questionable. two of his crew held it and only he touched it. plus, it was a large, square piece of flat steel with a steel frame and, suspiciously, two parallel steel bars in the middle. why not an x or no horizontal bars at all? because the middle plate between those steel bars slides open, enough for bearwin to poke his out and breathe while the curtains are down. this water escape wasnt as dangerous as he claims it to be. kudos to him though for acting serious. anyways, the second bogus aspect of his act was chain. the handcuffs were rigged ones of course, unlocked at a button-push. the chains were real but he wore it in such a way that anybody could escape easily from it. all he had to do was puff up his chest and tense his arm and shoulder muscles while the chains were placed around him to make it look like it's really tight around him. once in the water, all he had to do was relax his body and the chains would slip free. (try it at home. puff up your chest and tense your upper body and have someone tie a string around you. then relax and you're out). the stupid thing about the chain was on one occasion that the curtains were pulled up, his arms were free and there was only one padlock remaining, making the chain a loose necklace and the padlock, the pendant. and yet, bearwin was still pretending to be having a hard time with it even though it was pretty obvious that all he had to do was pull the chain over his head. that was really fucking stupid.

so, yeah, what was hailed as a houdini-ish feat by a filipino, the first one on tv, was actually nothing but a big pile of bullcrap. what a shame. i mean, even when he had that little weekly magic show, it was very underwhelming because there was nothing new and exciting to see and i merely watched a few episodes of it just to see which tricks they've ripped off from others. and that's the thing with magic these days. so many are doing the same things that it's not really entertaining anymore. so, at this important juncture (tee-hee), i present to you some tips for magician on how to improve their acts:

do the trick in your underwear. no long=sleeved shirts, loose black pants, jackets, capes, hats or any item of clothing that are usually used to hide shit. i would have suggested doing the whole thing completely naked but that would be disgusting.

do the trick with minimal cover. every time anything cannot be seen, something is going on so do away with the large cloths, smoke bombs and the like. turn that little kitten into a tiger right before our eyes. walk through that wall unconcealed. make that car fade away in plain sight.

do the trick in broad daylight, on a clear field. no stages, no curtains, no special equipment. just you and your trick, before a real audience.

do the trick without volunteers who you obviously paid (or threatened) to pretend that they're not part of the act. this is easy in relation to doing the trick with minimal cover. you dont need people to hold hands together around you and such. just stand there and do everything yourself. if help is needed to do the trick, dont do the trick. do a trick that doesnt involve anybody else.

do the trick live but not with your own crew. no pre-recorded tv specials. call up every network and make the trick a news event. let the different camera crews shoot where and how they want. plus, no suspense countdowns or commercial breaks. when everyone's there, just say what you're going to do and immediately do it.

do the trick without props prepared beforehand. no pre-shuffled cards or gimmicked boxes. anything you need to use for the trick, you take from where you are. in fact, it would be loads better if no props would be used at all.

finally, just do the damn trick. no long stories, no jokes, no big gestures, no dancing.

"for your next training, apprentice, you will guess what i had for breakfast

by smelling my palm which i had just farted on..."

here is an example of a magical feat in accordance with the rules i have mentioned:

in broad daylight, the magician is standing half-naked in an empty lot, surrounded by a crowd of people and some news crews. the magician then announces what he will do: he will crack open his skull, take out his brain, eat it and shit it whole. then, he lies down on the ground and smashes his head with a big rock until the top part of his skull is shattered. he stands up and pulls out his brain. he breaks off a piece and eats it. he keeps doing this until he has eaten all of his brain. he then takes off his underwear, squats and shits out a whole brain. he puts it back in his head, takes the pieces of his skull and rebuilds it like a jigsaw puzzle. as a final flourish, he picks his nose and flicks a booger into the air and it turns into a dragon which he rides on to leave. applause.

all or nothing

on my previous post i said that my wife's beauty was kind of a visual confirmation of a supreme being's handiwork, thereby putting a bit of strain on my lack of belief. that was a thoroughly honest statement. then, ondoy came along (on the day of my birthday even) and re-fueled my predisposition for questions.

we all know what happened. saturday and it kept raining and raining real hard with mighty winds until late in the afternoon, we are watching the news where a man is neck-deep in the flood and still protecting himself with an umbrella. suddenly, dams are spilling, there are brown rivers where there shouldn't be and people are on the roofs of their houses. a disaster beyond expectations. and the more i saw of the effects of ondoy's wrath, the more blasphemy entered my mind. but the core of all my questions was: god did this.

all religious people attribute anything good to god. they win something, thank you, god. they get well from illness, thank you, god. but whenever something bad happens, it's usually one of three things: a) god is punishing them; b) god is testing them; c) god had nothing to do with it. so which of the three does ondoy fall into?

a) god sent ondoy to punish the people in the affected areas - if this is true, then god is pretty mean. he didnt leave room for forgiveness. he just went on and slapped his big holy hand across the faces of these poor people. which is a wrong thing for a god to do, especially for one who has forgiveness 101 in their curriculum. is this some sort of punish first, forgive later? if so, then what about the "be like god" thing? guy x murders guy w, guy w's family should then kill guy x and say "okay, dude. we forgive you now." the equation does not compute. plus, i don't think that all of the people who suffered were complete sinners. innocent kids drowned. what did god punish them for? not eating vegetables? if ondoy was god's consequence for not adhering to his strict guidlines, then he shouldve sent that darn typhoon over to the malacanang palace as well.

b) god sent ondoy to test the faith of the people in the affected areas and the kindness of the people in the unaffected areas - you always hear people saying things happen for a reason, and it's usually a test from god. again, the innocent children, what was the test for? if they could swim? a pregnant woman died in a landslide. he was testing how long she could hold her breath? if it was a test of faith, then it's a pretty dumb test because there is no way you can have coherent thoughts, let alone pray, when your lungs are filling up with water faster than you could complete the sign of the cross. i know tests shouldnt be easy. but they dont have to be matter-of-life-and-death hard.

c) god did not send ondoy - a friend of mine insists that the whole thing was man-caused. the flooding, yeah, maybe, but without the nonstop rain, there will be no flood. weren't we all made (forced) to believe that god created everything? everything, including weather. but let us just say that ondoy wasnt from god. then where did ondoy come from? science explains the whole deal, of course, and just about anything there is to be explained. so, if ondoy was not godsent, god does not exist. if the tragedy was all our fault, every single thing that ever happened, good and bad, we all did to ourselves. there's no bullshit there. if god does exist, sure he lets you get the good stuff sometimes but then he was also behind every fuck-up you've experienced in your life. it's either god gave you that sports car and also killed your parents, or you worked hard to buy the car and cancer killed your parents.

i wouldnt know if any of the unfortunate readers of this blog and this particular post would get what im trying to say. im not here to preach. im merely asking questions and laying arguments based on the facts. i just cant agree to the thinking that if it's a miracle, god did it but if it's a disaster, he didnt do it, or if he did do, it's because he wanted to punish you or test you. and that's what's so annoying about religion. anything that supports their beliefs, they accept without question but anything that threatens, they blind themselves from reality, and yet they're always the very first and the very worst at denying other people's beliefs and forcing theirs upon them.

if you believe in god, you should not go to hospitals, you shouldnt lock your doors, you should cross the street with eyes closed, you shouldnt need money because, as the big neon sign in guadalupe proclaims (not sure if it's still there), jesus/god alone saves. sheesh.

so... let the reactions begin!

one

what: most. kickass. wedding. ever.
where: basilica church + pastoral center, ciudad de balisong
when: august 1, 2009
who: jaiskizzy (the groom), jeeanfoxy (the bride), families, friends, unknowns
why: love.


800am: i wake up, put on outdoor clothes and sleepwalk to the nearest salon to have my much-anticipated (by everyone but me) haircut. it is still closed so i saunter off next door to my mother-side relatives' hangout spot and play with the kids for a while.
900am: i am inside the salon, sitting on a hydraulic chair, waiting for my turn. arianne the hairdresser is doing his magic (literally) on an old woman while some people are negotiating the price of his services and gown rental. some girl will be joining a beauty pageant in some faraway farmland's fiesta and her companions want her to look outrageously beautiful. i think what they need is a miracle. the girl is fat, fugly and bats are probably living in her nostrils. plus her supposed escort is a zombie. i silently thank the invisible unicorn king for the self-esteem boost.
1000am: my past-shoulder-length hair is being mowed down. with my spectacles off, the horrifying image of my decreasing mane is blurred on the mirror. but even so, i remember the big prom night scene in carrie and kinda feel the same way, minus the blood. at least samson was asleep when this happened to him.

1100am: i am back home, showering. bathroom floor is covered in bubbles because, forced by habit, i used the amount of shampoo i use for my late long hair on my new hair. as always, bathroom time is think time and several random thoughts fire up in my brain like popcorn: the tedious preparations are finally over, im leaving bachelorhood for good, cant wait to see what my bride looks like, what's gonna happen, et cetera.
1200pm: i am driving towards the ponte fino, wearing a hooded shirt to hide my haircut until the big reveal. jeean and i text and call each other occasionally to prevent any path-crossings. as i am about to turn right at don ramos, i realize i've forgotten the red bandana i need for our first dance. i head back home and find out that jeean's bridal car (c/o of papang) has arrived. we've been told it would be the cefiro, anything was okay with us actually, but im looking at the one we had wished for secretly. i retrieve the bandana and keep the surprise to myself.
100pm: i am at the hotel lobby, gradually attaining complete ennui. only one room is currently available and jeean is in there having herself made up. two more rooms will be vacant soon and i sulk in a lounge chair, watching a kid waste dslr specs on a bland table ornament. my friends from manila arrive but because i have no room to put them in and i am prohibited to leave the premises, i send them off to sm batangas to have lunch and murder a few minutes.
200pm: six men in a hotel room and it's not a stag party: me, pol, randell and a camera crew determined to get me posing. after late lunching on adobo, rice and jolly hotdog, the guy who has only one pair of shoes for everyday use metamorphoses into a long-suited, clean-shaven gentleman, at least externally; the photography session ends up with me jumping on the bed. the tailor-made suit set feels good on me not only because it's exactly the way i wanted it to be, it's like my golden fleece. i'm 11 times cooler just by wearing it.
300pm: it's raining and everybody's scrambling to the church. i jump into the family car and lose my chance of having any physical contact with the awesome bridal car. when we arrive at the church, a crowd of kids and adults in wedding attire is just beginning to bunch up near the entrance. people expecting my jesus christ look are shocked at my new guise and my favorite baby niece who cries when i leave doesn't even recognize me. i look at the aisle and see the first few meters of the new journey of my life.
400pm: i am at the other end of the aisle and all our eyes are on the entrance doors. this is my cad goddeu. from a badass-looking hummer, an angel has appeared to bless us with her heavenly beauty. ive been an agnostic ever since catholic school but this is one of those very rare moments were i question my non-belief and reconsider god's existence because only that powerful guy on the ultradistant second floor could create such a being of endless wonderment. gianina, my fulcrum, my utopia, my perfect bride. i feel weird, like im in a movie and this is the part where everything is in slow-mo. i am goosebumping all over. my mother-in-law-to-be's tears are contagious. my beloved and i stand before the altar and the riddle of love is finally solved.

500pm: there was a blog post i never finished about how life was a long road and that during our trip, we meet people who walk with us or run with us, sometimes carry us, overtake us, until we all arrive, though at different times, at the one destination we're all headed. jeean and i aren't ready to go home just yet. hands together, we've taken a detour to a road we've never been to before and even if we've been told that this particular path won't be easy to take, but im sure we'll get through it just fine. the i do's have been traded, the bands worn, the kiss displayed.


9 post-wedding highlights:
1. mafia-inspire entourage came into the reception venue in associative music. when it was our turn, my bride sang "if i ain't got you" by alicia keys. some had to be told that it was live.
2. instead of the bouquet, a bunch of roses were thrown at the "hopefuls" and the one without a flower in her hands was the lucky lady to wear the garter.
3. the much-awaited "rock baby rock" clan dance brought the house down, especially with my bride's parents joined in
4. the downed house was crumbled to dust when our supposedly traditional first dance turned into a dance medley of sorts (with a quick hayden-katrina thingy squeezed in), thanks to one hour of perspiration-filled practice of steps aided by youtube.
5. the photobooth didn't get any rest.
6. my father got us all worried when word broke out about his missing wallet, which he found in the pair of pants he left at home.
7. jeean and i came home to falling money and confetti, which became garnish to the kalamay we had to eat.
8. we counted the cash we collected and was quite pleased with the sum (but not thoroughly as we had to turn everything over to my mom for safekeeping).
9. there was a lot of back-and-forth walking in the ponte fino hallway because our immediate families were shacked in five rooms and everyone was in no hurry to slumber. after one tiresome month of preparations and one exciting day of wedding, my wife and i finally get the relaxation we've long longed for.

i could not have wished for a better way to get married or a better woman to get married to. i am a man, i am in love, and goshdarnit, i am very, very happy. very.

up next: parenthood.

better/worse-richer/poorer-sickness/health-death

awakening

every day when i wake up, in the morning or in the afternoon, by myself or roused by external forces, the voices in my head scream in unison in welcoming another day. no matter how bad the previous was, the mere ability to open my eyes and be alive is reason enough to thank the flying spaghetti monster for negotiating my citizenship with sandman and not allowing me to be a permanent resident of somnopolis. there, i could fly, see events unfold in the third person p.o.v. and play tag with nikola tesla in a minefield but i would never trade my real life for subconscious liberties. even more now that i have better things to look forward to post-slumber.

about a month from now, i will start a new life waking up beside the most beautiful woman in time and space. i met her online as jeeanfoxy and i couldnt have helped myself from loving her. since then she's been love to me and a new chapter in our epic love story is just about to begin. on august one, at 4pm, i will be marrying the last piece of my puzzle. the beautiful victory, the elegant ninja, the goddess of all things cute and sexy named ma. gianina sigrid m. muñoz will glide down the aisle and prefix forever with a two-worded, three-lettered sentence. she, my rita hayworth. my life was a prison beyond redemption and she was my escape. she is my charger, my phoenix down, my cosmic cube, my muse incarnate. i was wile e. coyote and she was roadrunner, i get blown into smithereens but she was always worth chasing. now i've captured her. but dont let the pig loose from the pen just yet because that is not all, folks.

sometime in february next year, i will wake up to the living breathing crying laughing smiling peeing pooping proof of our love: our baby, the first of many, the best parts of our dna combined. right now, our child is as small as a peanut, swimming within my wife's wonderful womb. but pretty soon, the kid will be running around and talking and breaking stuff and making us proud. one thing i could guarantee is that child will be loved by the coolest parents ever.

if there is indeed such a thing as karma, then this is probably some sort of reverse karma where i get my humongous load of blessings in advance and im supposed to do something good and big in the future because i dont think ive ever done anything worth all of this. that or i am just one goddarn lucky man...

yep. very lucky indeed.

p.s. theres just too plenty of people to thank for the ongoing preparatory craziness and they dont read my blog anyways so i'll save the acknowledgements for my reception speech where i could tell it to their faces. speaking of faces...

p.p.s. in yo' face, scotteeeeehhh!!!

david carradine

you may know him as bill but i remember him best in death race 2000 passing through a hospital to rack up points by killing the old people plus the nurses and doctors that lined them up there. i've always wanted to have an f shirt like his.

r.i.p. frankenstein.