FATHERHOOD 2.0

Release Notes:

• new rash-preventive hairstyle
• reinstated diaper changing function
• lifestyle and career upgrades
• multiple room improvements
• other minor updates and bug fixes 

Developer Comments:

You know that feeling when you're playing an RPG and it's the final boss and he's the hardest-to-beat fucker in the whole game and you've restarted from a save point over and over again trying different strategies but none of them seem to work and you've said you'll turn the console off if you fail again for about five times and you've used up all your items and your entire party is dead except for your main character whose health bar is flashing red and you hit attack and the enemy finally dies?!?

Well, multiply that by 89 billion times and that's how I feel right about now because the one true warrior child prophesied to conquer all of cutedom has been unleashed. After what felt like eons of waiting, the masses shall bask in the radiant wonder of his presence. Due to various elements destiny pushed beyond our control, what was supposed to be yesterday became tomorrow and what was supposed to be tomorrow became today.

And so now I celebrate the essence of my masculinity for the champion sperm spewn from my scrotums has evolved into a human creature with scrotums of its own, ready to stomp his footprint onto badassery's ass. Today, I pull Excalibur from the stone. Today, I place the Matrix of Leadership into my chest. Today, I reach Super Saiyan Blue. Today, the knob goes up to 11.

For today is the day my son is born. Universe and all thy parallels, meet Iajin Alfredous Jye. 

I AM JUST INVENTING NAMES

Some time during the late 1990s/early 2000s, I started developing an idea for a novel. It was a vampires versus werewolves story from the point of view the human caught in between the "fang wars". The title I had in mind was Bloodlust and it was supposed to begin in the Dark Ages with two vampire families in a Romeo and Juliet type of conflict that gave birth to the vampire leader of the modern times, Dæniel Drake (yes, I wanted it spelled like that). I did a lot of research and even made character sketches. I think I was able to get as far as two pages of the prologue until I learned about a film starring Kate Beckinsale entitled Underworld. Oh well.

Anyway, the reason I opened with that is because I have a slight dread of it sort of happening again, this time with my very-soon-to-be-born son's name. There's this little quaver in a corner of my heart telling me that the moment my wife and I announce his name to the webwide world, there's going to be some murmuring behind our backs accusing us of name plagiarism. To be completely honest, no, we most definitely did not do that. Neither of us are that dumb, that we saw some other kid's name and thought our child should have a similar one. And this isn't about just being different or unique. I want my children to develop their own identities.

I actually had decided on my son's name way back in high school. I came upon it while thinking of a name for a character based on myself but I thought I'd reserve it for my firstborn son (it's a name that anyone will almost automatically associate with me, so it's not what's causing my worries). By then I was satisfied with just that single name, never telling it to anyone for fear of it being stolen. Fast forward to 2009 when Jeean and I found out we were going to be parents. Despite the insistence of my friends that the baby would be a girl, I was sure it was going to be a boy and so a boy's name we created.

It was settled that he was going to have three names, like his father, and the first would be the one I've been keeping to myself for years, plus another letter. The second was a portmanteau of two family members' names, plus a suffix for impact. And the last one was my version of Junior. Name number one sounded Japanese, name two Greek, and name three Korean. It was great name and my wife and I were both happy with it (we actually came up with one more in case she was carrying twins, which then paved the way for a bunch of others because you never know, right?). Of course, when we found out the baby was a girl, we made an entirely new one from scratch and got Iaine Sivela Feona.

But now that there is a 100.13% certainty that we will be blessed with a baby boy, we can finally use the name when we fill up forms documenting his existence. Not ready to reveal it just yet so I'll conclude with some anagrams:

jai enjoys ireful ad 

jeean is fairly judo

iaine's de joyful jar

TL;DR (which means "too long; didn't read" for all you non-Redditors) No matter what anybody else says, my son's full name was invented seven years ago.

SPEAKING OF NOW

Hello, stranger.

That greeting is actually not just for you, dear reader, but also for me, dire writer, so welcome back to both of us. I'd prefer not to waste time and pixels addressing the whys and wherefores of my inactivity and instead focus on getting this blog back up and running. Again. For the eleventeenth time.

Two things: I made a quick redesign, nothing too fancy, and I imported a bunch of posts from my other blogs, which by the way were quite surprising as I could not remember writing some of them at all. I even took some phrases and googled them, flanked by quotation marks, to make sure they were truly mine and not lifted from somewhere else (good news: mine!). Also, I've decided to write my posts the way an educated adult should and quit emulating E.E. Cummings.

Speaking of, I'm going to be a father again! Of a baby boy this time, which is just whoawesomazing. Yes, that's whoa, awesome, and amazing in one word because that's how I feel about it. Especially since my wife and I have been trying for so long. I wanted him to be born in 2013 (because duh) but I guess the financial crisis caused massive stork layoffs and delayed the delivery of our son to April of this year, which is peachy fine. Really. It's not like time seems to go slower when you wait for something. It's only three more months, no biggie. I very patient.

Speaking of, during Jeean's third checkup, my heart twerked when we heard the little human's heartbeat for the first time and I had to control myself from RKOing the nurse and yelling, "Science, bitch!". Then, a few months later, when OB/GYN Kenobi pointed an arrow to our son's tallywacker on the ultrasound screen, I shook my fists in the air and screamed in victory as I saw our future together projected onto the inner walls of my skull: my wife and I playing Final Fantasy VII Remake on the PS5; Iaine and her little brother washing the dishes.

Oh, and Iaine, who is as excited, if not more, as I am, is turning six this week. She's grown so fast. Feels like it was only yesterday when I dropped her off to school and told her to do well in her exams. Wait. That was actually yesterday. What day is it today? Anyways, those six long years mean I have basically unlearned all the baby care skills I mastered when Iaine was still small. However, I fear not the slumberless nights for I know that when the epic newborn is thrust into this dimension, I shall regain all that power and conquer the realm of second-time fatherhood. So bring on the poop!

One more thing I seem to have unlearned: properly ending blog posts. So bye?



P.S. That is the first and the last time I will use the word that starts with T and means "shake your butt like shit is stuck."
P.P.S. My wife's OB/GYN is not really named Kenobi.
P.P.P.S. Is it the third week of April yet? Please be the third week of April when I wake up tomorrow.
P.P.P.P.S. Actually, please be April after Iaine's birthday. Sorry, Iaine.