Monday, May 26, 2008

the last king of snotland

i've quit uno.

well, technically, i didn't. i was asked to voluntarily resign because the bossasaurus said that he didnt want me around the office anymore. however, the idea of resignation has been lurking behind the shadows of my synapses ever since i posted the alfred resignation letter in multiply. you see, i have been reduced from a feature article writer to a secretary. i do not mean to demean the secretaries out there. i have full respect for your work and clearly understand what you go through, having been through a sampling of it, but i just cant do it. im just not cut out for taking dictations, making letters for someone else, printing the same shit over and over again, wasting ink which i have to make a request for and it never comes and a bunch of other tasks that i just dont fucking want to do. hence, i have already jumped ship round that time, i just lollygagged for a while and enjoyed the free internet.

anyways, last week, the lower bossasaur informed me that we would be doing overtime work on saturday. i had nothing to do then so i said, "ok." im freeloading in my aunt's mansion in ayala alabang village and going in and out of that place aint easy. anyways, usually, when i come to work on friday i already have my bag of dirty clothes with me so that when 6pm hits, i sprint off to the bus station and head home to batangas. but since saturday was o.t. day, i didnt. at 6pm, i returned to the mansion only to receive a text that the o.t. was cancelled. so, i packed my shit, left alabang and went home. btw, my phone's battery was low the moment i stepped out of the office and was gonna charge it at the mansion but since i was going home, no use staying just to charge it. i died on me while on the bus. anyway, when i arrived after a long trip and was able to finally charge the phone, i got a text from the bossasaurus to text back so he could call. i didnt have love and didnt bother to buy because (a) i was short on funds and (b) work's over. and then, i was awakened the next morning by a text message from him again demanding me to be in the office by 9am. back story ends here.

after lunch today, the bossasaurus gathered everyone and began a speech about some shit that he was in a meeting when his brother called that their dad died but he stayed until the meeting was finished and left. he also bragged about not seeing his wife/girlfriend/whatever give birth to their first child. and then he launched a rainfall of missiles on me. i told him what happened but people like him are deaf to anything because they believe they are never wrong.personally, i dont know what i did wrong, maybe i did something wrong, but i dont see it. to me, professionalism begins and ends on monday to friday, from 9am to 6pm. anything beyond that is my time, meaning time for my own decisions. i am my own boss. secondly, i dont see why staying at work even when your dad died or your wife gave birth is something to be proud about. if my dad died or my wife was gonna give birth, im out of there. no questions asked. if the people at work dont understand that, then it's definitely not the place for me. and finally, he's shouting at me for not texting back and not showing up for the o.t. that was cancelled. was that really what caused the big legal problem?! what was there to fuckin confirm from me? ive already told the lower bossasaur that the jamie woman said ok when i called her. he could have asked him.

im seeing this as finger-pointing. blame the guy who wasnt there. and also, probably ego-tripping, since everyone's there to hear it. every narcissistic a-hole needs an audience when making up for his insecurities. "hey, im the boss who puts work before family. im fuckin good. watch me put this peon to shame." with all due respect, sir, not everyone is and has to be like you. not everyone is earning the same salary as you. yes, the mag was fucked up when you came in and you fixed it. yes, you run a tight ship. yes, you never make mistakes. yes, hearing you repeat those in every fucking meeting is annoying. yes, you can do the mag by yourself. then do it.

i do not and will not kiss anyone's ass for 8,000 bucks. well, except maybe natalie portman's.

p.s. all i wanted was to write. that's all im good at. i think.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL by jaiskizzy


the gist: the bullwhip-cracking, fedora-wearing, snake-fearing hero is back! it's been nineteen years since the last crusade, and an aged, wiser henry jones jr. puts his teaching career on hold once again for another thrill-filled treasure quest. with former flame marion ravenwood and her son, mutt, indy is after the crystal skull, a legend-laden artifact that supposedly is the key to unparalleled wealth and power. he must use his plan-as-he-go skills to prevent it from falling into the evil hands of the russians, led by irina spalko, and return it to its rightful place. adventure has a synonym and it's indiana jones!

not one sliver of shadow of doubt about it: this is an indiana jones movie. from the old-school paramount logo (nice touch btw) fading into a prairie dog mound to the sweet albeit starwars-ish ending, you can bet your fanboy ass this is an indiana jones movie. i sat there in the movie theater (dodging irksome sidecomments from morons) reduced to the little boy i was when i first saw raiders of the lost ark on betamax and watched with glee my childhood hero come to life again. the moment the hat was picked up and put on in a silhouette next to a star, i had supernova nostalgic orgasm. harrison ford has been han solo, rick deckard and jack ryan, but he will always be indiana jones to me. yes, the age shows on his face but, whip me sideways, the dude can still kick derrières. indy is just an entirely different persona complete with his own facial expressions, way of speaking and quirks and i cannot see anyone else being him. the pratfallings, i thought were a bit too much though. here is a guy who relies on quick-thinking and pure luck and then you see him topple a bike over. oh, well.

the indy movies are famous for their over-the-top, bite-your-collar action sequences and indy 4 delivers on that aspect. the warehouse scene and campus bike chase were great appetizers and the jungle chase, a sumptuous main course. also, in staying true to theme, (1 had snakes, 2 had insects, 3 had rats) the new "creepy-crawly" and no, it's not the scorpion that stings mutt. speaking of mutt, i think it aint no spoiler anymore to lay down the cards and say that he is indy's son, his mom, being marion ravenwood, indy's first true love. this marion's a far cry from the tequila-guzzling femme fatele in raiders, but you immediately see that after all those years, she and indy are meant for each other. the boyish smile on indy's face the first time he sees marion again and the girlie smile on marion face when indy answers her question about his other women were goshdarn cute. plus, nice nods to marcus brody and henry jones sr., btw. but where's sallah and short round!?

anyways, cate blanchett wasnt much of a villain. her whole performance fell way behind the single scene in raiders when toht faces a captive marion and reveals an apparatus that looks like he'll use to torture her but actually turns out to be a coat hanger. but man, this woman is gorgeous, even with the wig she borrowed from uma thurman. and then there's post-sam witwicky shia labeouf. what makes "the beef" good is that he does not strive to be boytoy cute. here, he's a wannabe tough guy who trembles in fear entering an old graveyard. i dont know about you guys but i bought the idea of him as thirdy. that exchange of "whoa" between indy and him is a one-syllable testament of their realization that they really are father and son. the final scene with that hat thing is definitely a sequel hint and i could imagine a last crusade-like sequel where mutt is in school but wants in on his dad's archaeological adventures, and through some riddle in the mail, a sick marion finds out indy's in trouble and mutt goes out to save him. yeah, that could work.

i love this film and it pains me to admit its flaws (but then again, that is what love is all about, i guess). david koepp's patchwork script of the piecemeal leftover ideas from previous indy 4 attempts was evident throughout the movie. it didnt gel together as much as any of the first three and changes tonally in every scene. i like the part that plays on indy's fear of snakes, but it felt like it was an squeezed-in scene. another qualm i have was the meh cinematography. whoever this janusz guy is, he needs to brush up on his kubrick before he can match the visual edge of the first three indy films. his camera work was ok, but nothing special or surprising. the cameo of the ark of the covenant (from raiders of the lost ark) was a quickie spectacle for me but it seemed forced. i like my easter eggs inconspicuous, thank you very much.

finally, steven spielberg is a wonderful director, but you could definitely notice from scenes that george lucas was breathing down his neck the whole time. this dude just wont give in. he bitched about the script for many years and im sure even when all the hands have shaken, he still bitched about a lot of his stupid notions. george lucas, you are nuts. enough with your sci-fi crap and do something else, will you? produce another howard the duck, i dont care. just do something else. haven't you learned from the star wars prequels? grow up, man!!!

to anyone who will hate the movie, dude, it's make-believe. do not over-analyze. and if you think the whole [spoiler] thing is far-fetched, isn't a biblical box of spirits or a cup that can heal wounds just as far-fetched? anyways, to me, indiana jones and the kingdom of the crystal skull is a new soup with old ingredients mixed with a few new ones that tastes as good as before. yum-yum. im gonna watch it again!

the good: the action sequences, the nostalgia, the joneses.
the bad: george lucas's shit.
the ugly: the cgi monkeys from jumanji.
the verdict: 8 crystal skulls (what else?!).


indianero jai.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

beautiful victory


my muse is screaming. she floods my brain with blood and tears. insanity is bliss.

"you do not appreciate me," said she.

"shut up," said me. "you're a figment of my imagination."

she bares her fangs and consumes me. i taste the nicotine on her lips. her nails dig deep into my shivering skin, feeding my veins with her poison. i am paralyzed. the world spins out of its axis. my soul erupts.

"i am an evil heartbreaker," i hear her whisper. but i am not sure.

she leaves me to rot, dancing under a torrent of white rose petals. i die.

hell hath no fury like an imaginary lover scorned.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

resignation letter

To: Bruce Wayne a.k.a. Batman
From: Alfred Pennyworth
Re: Resignation

Dear Master Bruce:

It is with the sincerest of apologies to announce through this bat-monitor message that I am resigning from my position as your butler, confidant and all-around housekeeper effective immediately. Surely, you must have realized that already when you came into Wayne Manor tonight and could not find me to assist you in getting yourself out of that leather suit of yours.

Contrary to what you might believe, the decision came easy because basically, I am tired of your guano.

You have nary a pinch of idea how much suffering I have endured during my tenure. Being locked up alone in this humongous museum of a house is one thing. Doing all the chores by myself is another. Who washes all those dishes and pans after your big-ass parties? Me and only me. I have always wondered why, with all your money, you never bothered to hire a few others or at least use that advanced technology you always tinker with and make a fricking robot to ease the load off my back. And that is just the Manor. The Batcave is a whole other set of self-torture. Keeping that place free from the stench of bat droppings is no simple task. I guess it's only fair to tell you now that last night I caught one of your "pets", cooked it and served it as chicken carbonara for dinner. Guess what I used to make the white sauce.

Though I have chosen to sever our ties and pursue my other passion (ballroom dancing), I guarantee you that your secret identity is safe with me. But I have made copies of all the data in your hard drives ready to be sent to your competitors just in case you have any plans of revenge. I mean, we both know you are one bitter bastard.

Thank you and good luck on striking fear into the hearts of men or whatever.

Sincerely,


Alfred

P.S. I was kidding about the bat soup but the mop is in the third cabinet from the kitchen door in case you puked when I mentioned it.

Saturday, May 10, 2008

SPEED RACER by jaiskizzy

the gist: speed racer can't think of anything else but racing and his older brother, rex. tragedy strikes the family when rex dies in a race crash. speed then grows up to continue his brother's legacy and becomes the most sought-after driver in the land. he receives a very sybaritic offer from a powerful businessman named royalton but turns it down for his family's sake. realizing that the past races were fixed, speed revs the mach 5 up to victory and joins forces with the mysterious racer x to finally put on the breaks to the evil mogul's schemes.

even with the wachowski's cinematic aptitude, translating an anime series into a 2-hour live action movie is no fraction of pastry. book adaptation, although a burden in itself, is in a way easier because you only rely on the text and let the imagination soar. but for cartoons, you have to be able to siphon its essence and inject it into flesh without destroying it. the wachowskis have managed a nigh-perfect transition and the result is a frenetic display of screaming aesthetics no other directors haves ever attempted. from beginning to end, you are optically assaulted with colors and effects that do not fail to dazzle. the races are just epilepsy-inducing graffiti painted with a palette of skittles. there's fight scenes with anime-ish motion streaks, all with seamless multilayer wipe editing. and this is probably the first time ive seen a scrolling end credits with pulsating colors. speed racer is, put simply, a visual exercise in pushing the proverbial envelope.

that is, of course, expected of the film. but plotwise, it doesn't really have the same edge. no matter how perilous the tracks are or how brutal the racers are, you bet your ass that speed racer will win it. the dull story, however, is balanced out with humor, care of almost-annoying spritle and the great chimpanzee chim-chim, and heart, that if you could stay awake through the lengthy conversations, which i guess were inserted as breather scenes from all that racing razzmatazz, you'd figure out why this is marketed as a family movie. other than that, contain your nitpicking nerves for a while and just enjoy the show. the trick is to shake off your academy award druthers and allow it to take you for a spin.

speed racer could have been anyone who had the boy-toy looks since it's kind of a no-brainer role. be cute, have angst, drive fiercely. emile hirsch did okay but he didnt really own that role as much as tobey maguire did peter parker. but it was great to see him in the blue-shirt and red bandanna outfit. it would have been nice if they made racer x even cooler and not seem like just some x-men reject. matthew fox looked kinda lost (pun not intended. really). rain (hate that name) looked cool kickin ass in his white racesuit with dragon print and scary in girl's clothing. and the 'stached john goodman in red shirt and blue jumper looked like super mario. surprised to see seibei samurai, btw, even though he was underused. but if there was one cast member who made this live-action anime movie a darn live-action anime movie it was none other than christina ricci. she's never been this cute since wednesday. she is so cute that if a carebear and a kitten mated, their offspring would cuddle a christina ricci doll in its sleep. also, kudos to the monkey, who looked great in a suit.

finish line: after their directorial hiatus, the wachowskis have returned and machined a vibrant kaleidoscopic movie fueled with the ebullience of anime. it aint no blockbuster breakthrough like the matrix but it sure was one good acid-trip ride.


the good: the visuals, the family values, the monkey!
the bad: prolonged talky scenes, mediocre villain
the ugly: henchman whose finger became piranha dinner
the verdict: 7 chim-chim "cookies"


speed raper.

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

apocalypse how

*edited version on uno magazine april 2008


APOCALYPSE HOW

On a zoo trip, a giraffe bent down to us and asked: How will the world end? We couldn’t answer because we were so engrossed at the sight of copulating crocodiles. Anyways, the question stuck to us so much, we had to do a feature on it. For this, we gathered scientists, futurists and psychics and we asked them who they think will win this year’s American Idol. After that, we all went out for drinks and those specialists ditched us when we passed out. So, we just put our hungover heads together and came up with these five possible doomsday scenarios. We wanted to interview the speaking giraffe but the other giraffes had killed him for breaking their non-speaking rule.

Okay, now that the beginning has ended, let’s begin the end!

METEOR CRASH
Thanks to online porn, a lonesome scientist in an observatory fails to, uh, observe the first appearance of a meteor headed for Earth. When he does see the meteor, it is so close that estimated time of impact is tomorrow. He sends an email of warning to all his scientist friends and videotapes a farewell message, which he uploads to YouTube and becomes most watched clip. The governments contact Michael Bay to get Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck to solve the meteor problem but he’s busy filming the Arcee-Bumblebee sex scene in Transformers 2. The next day, the meteor arrives and it’s the size of a bowling ball. It disintegrates upon atmosphere entry. Everyone rejoices and takes off all their clothes in a worldwide nude party. Just as the geeks scream “Orgy!”, a second ginormous meteor hits and the world crumbles.
Odds: Likely

WORLD WAR III
It’s every beauty pageant contestant’s nightmare. A rogue nation is fed up with the rest of the world’s shit and unleashes the weapons of mass destruction--nuclear, biological or chemical--that it has been developing in secret for years. A bigger country with an even bigger stash of bombs gets pissed for not thinking of it first and fights back. The much-expected Third World War ensues as everyone else joins the fray. There’s rains of missiles, humongous mushroom clouds in every direction, flying limbs and a bunch of people beating up the guy with the prophetic sandwich sign. When the dust clears, humankind is wiped out and the Earth is one big empty parking lot with crater-size potholes. If there are any survivors, they’d probably be screaming, mindless mutants that only eat waffles but would die eventually because there’s no more waffles.
Odds: You betcha.

ALIEN INVASION
SETI (Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence) hits pay dirt when transmission from an alien race is intercepted. Dudes who have too much free time decode the message which basically says “We’re coming, bitches!” Apparently, when NASA beamed The Beatles song Across The Universe in space, the aliens liked it so much that they’re devastated to learn that John Lennon is already dead. And what better way to release anger than destroy the Earth. Upon their arrival in phallic spaceships, the aliens first turn their mega-laser sights to the supposed abductees who spread the anal probing rumor, which wasn’t true. Everybody else is killed next and no one is spared. The aliens then haul the whole, barren Earth back to their home planet and put it in a museum. Entrance fee is 1 million kryptonites.
Odds: Yeah, right.

SECOND COMING
Preachers everywhere go “I told ya!” to everyone as the Four Horsemen of Apocalypse come in from four corners of the globe, even though it’s round. They do a race on who can kill the most in one pass around the world and Death wins of course because that’s what he does. They then pave the way for the arrival of the boss of all bosses. Everything goes dark for a while and a spotlight from nowhere suddenly comes on as Jesus bursts into the scene in a badass Harley Davidson that would make Ghost Rider splooge his pants. Every person He passes by that believed in Him is given a big bike and they all ride along with Him up the highway to Heaven. The ground opens up and eats all the atheists and other non-believers, making them Satan’s sex slaves. Then God does Genesis 2.0 and on the first day He says, “Let there be lightsabers.”
Odds: Slim

IT’S ALL A DREAM
It turns out that reality as we know it is all a dream. At a specified time in the real reality, we all wake up simultaneously and leave the dream world permanently. The guy who was about to have a threesome with Adrianna Lima and Alessandra Ambrosia goes nuts. This world is much like the dream Earth except that everything is in reverse. Cars run backwards. Fish fly and eat birds. Bill Gates is a bum on the streets. Burgers have patties outside, buns inside. And men have monthly periods.
Odds: Nah.

Saturday, May 03, 2008

IRONMAN by jaiskizzy

the gist: in this film adaptation of the marvel comic book series, robert downey, jr. stars as tony stark, an alcoholic, philanderous wealthy industrialist who is kidnapped by terrorists after introducing his latest missile design, the jericho, and coerced to develop the destructive weapon for their nefarious plans. but stark instead creates a hi-tech armor suit, which he uses to escape. stark returns home to start a new lease in life and repair the damage that his weapons, in the wrong hands, have caused. and so, he dons an upgraded version of his combat cataphract and becomes the heavy metal superhero iron man! black sabbath song commence in full volume!

raise your hand if you've seen the movie. i think we could all agree that it is goddarn good. comic book fan or not. as the first comic book film handled by its mother company, marvel studios, iron man is a testament of respecting the source material. they made the necessary changes but held their brainchild close. the end result: a smooth as chrome origin story greased with just the right amount of action. jon favreau should start a special class on from-comicbook-to-movie 101.

who is jon favreau? he directed elf with will ferrell and zathura, the quasi-sequel to jumanji. he's foggy nelson in daredevil, the guy who couldn't shoot the basketball in the office. yes that guy. no offense to him, but it's just weird that that same plump goof made this masterpiece that is at par with steven spielberg blockbuster levels. i mean, you have bryan singer who directed the usual suspects and the first two x-men movies and then makes the supercrap superman returns. it wasnt that bad but obviously we'd expect more from him. switcheroo, and you have jon favreau who is not necessarily an underdog but i really had no idea that he had the craftsmanship to make iron man as great as it is, so much that it's being heralded as one of the greatest comic book movies ever. busloads of bravos to you, mr. favreau.

speaking of bravos, an even longer queue of buses to robert downey jr. that's perfect casting right there. not only does he have the alcoholic background in real life, but he fit the likable asshole persona snug tight. even when he had his "change of heart" he still had remnants of his careless bastard attitude in there, as proof that no one really changes overnight. different car, same driver. the rest of the cast did just as well, especially the dude himself playing obadiah stane, but clearly this was a one-man (or one-ironman) show. im pretty sure even the great al pacino would be dodging downey jr.'s snappy tongue, which btw is mostly improv. also, the cg-fucking-i is a-fucking-mazing. you just couldn't tell which is cgi and which isn't. the dudes at ilm really did their homework here.

a movie this great definitely calls for a sequel. im pretty sure they have the blueprint laid out already, what with those "hints". oh and if you are a comic book geek, stay after the end credits have rolled, okay?

the good: acting, cgi, the flow of the story, everything except...
the bad: the lack of a recognizable theme music.
the ugly: the terrorists, of course.
the verdict: 9 sonic paralysis gizmos.


ironicman