yearbender

okefenokee, while everyone else is posting resolutions or year-ender recaps, i'll rub against the grain and give you some random stuff i like. first up is an amazing video of martin scorsese channeling lord alfred hitchcock:



here's one more cool-ass video but it's quite big so you'll have to download all 100megabytes of it here. it's called "prey alone" and was shot entirely on a green screen. gazillions way better than any pinoy movie that ever used cgi, not just effects-wise but storywise as well. trust me. it's goddarn good.

and finally, a bit of education on photography:

that's it for this year. cue obligatory greeting:

happy new year, girls and boys! may 2008 be one big unending orgasm for all of us.

p.s. m, congratulations on your newborn baby boy zy! he's all your cuteness miniaturized. good luck on single momhood. i nominate myself as a godfather!
p.p.s. darn i want a baby son, too. or better yet, twins.

skin the copycats

belated merry christmas, everyone.

i wonder how the supposed atheists spent christmas? surely it would have just been an ordinary day for them. no greetings or celebration of any kind, no giving or receiving of gifts since that day is believed to be the birth of the very being they refuse to believe in. unless, of course, they're just pretentious fucks with labels.

anyways, as always, whenever the holidays come, the manila film fest tags along and carries with it a new batch of the same old shit from the previous years. i wouldn't be surprised if next year, there's another enteng kabisote, mano po, shake rattle and roll and a cgi-ridden bong revilla movie. but before i go on, there's a quick piece from an american movie review web site regarding resiklo which i've copy-pasted below:

Filipino film doesn’t get a lot of love outside the Philippines these days and while there’s generally a very good reason for that – most of it is, shall we say, ungood – there are pockets of very serious talent there and also a willingness to just plain get goofy. This is one of the goofy ones. See the man all big and large in the poster? Yeah, he’s the main character. He drives the giant robot you see standing behind them all. And he’s also an actual, sitting senator in the Filipino government. I say if we settled all future political disputes with giant robot battles the world would be a better place.

goofy. you know what else is goofy? hollywood b-movies. which i'd no questions asked watch instead. what the dude who wrote that failed to point out though was the ripoff. i mean, was there a pinoy movie with giant cgi robots fighting in it before the transformers movie? no. (anyone remember robot jox, btw?) so, it's quite obvious that they're complete morons just waiting for the next hollywood blockbuster to steal ideas from. heck, even the same font was used. im pretty sure the robbery doesn't end there but im not sacrificing my intelligence by watching it just to find out. if resiklo is tagalog for recycle then i would like to commend them for such an appropriate title for a movie that recycled ideas from hollywood.

also, remember the desperate housewives issue, the overreaction, the call for boycott and public apology? i didnt care much about it. it's a comedy series and that thing about med school, it's true anyway. so, i really couldn't see why they would throw rocks at that show. now lookie here, folks! there's a movie coming out entitled desperadas. dont know what it's about but just by the title and the poster alone, one could tell that they just ripped off the very show that had allegedly ridiculed us filipinos. wow.

how do these people get away with this? because people watch them. they stampede the theaters blindly. they watch not as smart moviegoers but as die-hard fans of their idols. if it was two hours of judy ann santos picking her nose, they'd still watch it and tell everyone it's great while coming out of the theater on those stupid tv commercials. i really dont blame them. they're not dumb. it's these movies that are making them dumb.

roll end credits.

p.s. how do you marry an atheist?
p.p.s. im agnostic.

fork in the road

first, my very late hitman movie review: the hitman video game franchise is one of my favorites because it's not just your usual button-mashing, shoot-everything-in-sight first-person adventure. it's a game of tactics and stealth, and completion of the mission requires precision and consideration of every option before making a decision for a slight miscalculation means a bad situation. waha. anyways... (read full review)

okay, on to the main event...

it's been said nth times but mostly about recent breakups: nothing lasts forever. however this one is about my job. you see, for the past few weeks, the number of files we've done were diminishing. partly, we're being blamed for it because the quality of our work has decreased but that is because there's not enough transcriptionists and there's so much work to be done that we do them as fast as we come just to beat the deadline. the big chunk of the problem was caused by the writers' strike. without writers writing, there's no tv shows or movies for us to transcribe. and so what began as a rumor turned out to be true, there would be some downsizing needed. all our heads are on the chopping block. it's either we put our lives on the company's hands and let them transfer us to another account or we pack our stuff and hit the road. i completely understand them helping us out with the account transfer but even that is a big question mark. the only openings within the company are voice accounts, which i have a problem with. i had specifically applied for a non-voice position because i was not born to speak and i just dont think i'd do any good if i get transferred to do calls. they tell us that the transfer is advantageous, voice accounts have a higher salary. but how can you look forward to something you don't want to do and even if you did, you're not sure you're gonna get? they will re-train us but if you fail, you earn a warning. get enough warnings and you're fired. there is still a chance that they might keep some of us in our account but even that poses problems because it would only mean that the ones left behind would have to do double the workload.

i know they're doing this for the betterment of all but we just can't help being negative. (-1) this was not our fault and yet we're the ones to suffer most. (-2) we feel like sitting ducks waiting to be shot and (-3) we dont want to cut our friendships short. we pointed out a lot of things during meetings and suggested other options but we were talking to deaf ears. they used their boss powers. it's a take it or leave it situation. damn it. so now, i dont know what to do. shit, i don't know how to finish this post, even. dilemmas, dilemmas. hmmmm...

?

p.s. i've been to neverland and had manic mondays. i've met a martian and caught a butterfly. i've passed through penny lane and came running home. now, which one should i do next: learn how to kill a mockingbird or how to play the guitar? (sorry if it doesn't make sense.)

HITMAN by jaiskizzy

the gist: when bret hart decided to quit wrestling.... (just kidding) when it comes to assassins-for-hire, 47 is #1. raised by a secret organization known as... the organization (it was the agency in the game) to become the perfect killer, he never misses a target and always gets away clean. however on a mission to kill the russian president, things don't go as planned. it seems his peeps have turned against him, putting our bald-headed anti-hero out on the run from the interpol and the fsb and against other nameless agents, with a hot babe who hates clothes tagging along. did you notice there are zero alliterations on the synopsis?

the reaction: the hitman video game franchise is one of my favorites because it's not just your usual button-mashing, shoot-everything-in-sight first-person adventure. it's a game of tactics and stealth and completion of the mission requires precision and consideration of every option before making a decision for a slight miscalculation means a bad situation. waha. anyways, with the previous videogame-to-movie flops, one would normally think that the filmmakers would exert extra effort to do really well because the audience could only have high expectations at this point. you can't make a movie that's just good. it has to be really, really great to please the fans and non-fans alike. with hitman, i feel like they didn't actually try to make a hitman movie. they were instead trying to make the next big action flick, took some inspirations from the game and slapped that title on it and waited for the cash to flow in. they barely paid respect to the source material. so, is it good or bad? let us begin with the negatives.

the biggest mistake of this movie is timothy olyphant. he just does not fit the role. when casting rumors began, fanboys were unitedly screaming only one name: jason statham. after seeing him in transporter, he was agent 47 for me. all he needed was the red tie. i dont know what happened but they picked timothy olyphant instead. the movie kinda lost it right there. sure, he's a good actor but he just does not look and feel like agent 47. i mean, vin diesel was also considered at one point and i would have liked vinny over timmy. why? because he just didn't have the eyes of a killer. granted he was able to pull off how agent 47 moved, walked, talked (must have watched game clips over and over) but he didn't get the eyes. he never looked like a cold-blooded assassin at all. well, there was one scene where he had a menacing expression going on while choking an enemy, but that seemed like trying too hard. which brings me to the second biggest mistake of this movie: it was too actiony.

anyone who has seen the bourne movies would notice a lot of similarities. well, the premise was the same, a whole secret organization against one guy who is good at killing people. but it didn't mean it had to go the same direction. as mention above, the hitman games were about stealth and precision. you're supposed to be a ghost. anyone who has seen you are already dead. but in this movie, agent 47 is all over the place. he's out walking in crowds. he's bald and he's got a barcode tattoo on the back of his head. how am i supposed to believe that he won't stand out? and then in one really stupid scene, he kung fu fights a bunch of guys. fucking kung fu. with swords. instead of sneaking up on enemies and using piano wire (my favorite method) he does a jet li. ridiculous. the script is lame and complicated at the same time. they should have began with agent 47 doing several hits before going to the main plot. plus if you don't listen carefully, you won't get what's going on. i mean, me, i understood it and it thought it was messed-up writing. for the pinoy moviegoers who rely more on visuals, the film is gonna be tough to swallow.

okay, on the other end of the barrel, you got a few good things that prevented hitman from becoming a total disaster. numero uno, the game elements that they put in the movie. they were few and far in between but they were cool nonetheless. from the look of agent 47 to his body language, diana, hiding weapons, hiding bodies, disguises, the logo, they were pretty nice nods. soundtrackwise, the movie began with the game's original ave maria theme but that's about it. props to robert knepper as well who played yuri. that bathtub was such a t-bag moment. but the best part of the movie was nika. she's not the most beautiful actress you've seen, but she was more than enough to provide the obligatory t&a (and exactly t&a). no sex scene, but that crotch rub she did will forever be stored in the fantasy vault of my brain.

i paid to see one of my favorite video games come alive on the silverscreen and instead saw an ill-executed bourne wannabe. i am very disappointed and could only hope that the next videogame-to-movie endeavors do better. way better. you know, i've always thought that you can't do a bad movie with the right ingredients - bullets, blood and boobs. consider this reviewer wrong on that one.

the good: the nods to the game, t-bag and nika (rrrrr).
the bad: the execution.
the ugly: timotht olyphant as agent 47.
the verdict: 3 barcode tattoos.


agent 69.

nevermind

i like you.
if you like me back, i don't know.
but im assuming you don't because im not picking up any signals.
right now, you're a bit lonely.
im torn between asking you out and not asking you out.
i dont want you and everybody else to think im taking advantage of the situation.
and i have a genuine fear of rejection. (again.)
in fact, i already have an idea of what you're gonna say.
you'll make it sound nice
but it won't sound nice.
or maybe by a weird twist of destiny, you'd say yes
and we'd be sharing ice cream on one cone soon.
i don't know.
all i know right now is that i like you
and that im afraid to lose you.

p.s. who are you? your name has an L.
p.p.s. this didnt go as well as i thought, but what the heck...

speak of the daredevil

first, a quickie rant on the word "uber".

there goes a word i could never use again. it's been faggotized. now, girls who have never known its existence before are blurting it out in every instance possible. it's painful. just like the word "gay" which meant "happy and cheerful" once and has become just "a dude who likes other dudes", uber is now "i'd use 'very' but i'm socially compelled to use this to be in". oh, shut up.

anyways, he may be outside my monkeysphere, but it's sad to know that death has caught up with the guy who has eluded him for so many years: evel knievel. as a kid, i've watched him ride that motorcycle and jump over cars, buses and even sharks, through my dad. and it was only recently that i had this hope of doing a bike stunt myself one day. so it's kinda weird to find out about this when i was merely looking for the pic of the new kitt. now, robert craig "evel" knievel jr has left the cape on the rack, the bike in the garage for he has flown off the ramp to never come down again. rest in peace, sir.

p.s. i don't know why but it seems like every december i feel like i have to make a choice whether to grow my hair long again or have it all shaved off again. hmm.
p. p.s. has anyone seen the 2 girls 1 cup video?!

joykilling

question number one:
who loves french fries? do you know how much grease is in a large order of fries? neither do i but it's enough for this guy to paint a mural...




question number two:
do you smoke? well, here's an experiment on the benefits of smoking...

cheek to cheek

years ago, there was a live-action beowulf movie which starred the highlander as titled protagonist. it was so-so and forgettable, but i have vague memories of the grendel monster looking like an alien. anyways, fast forward to now and we've got a new and way better adaptation of the epic poem. by the power of the marriage of computer-generated imagery and motion-capture, the filmmakers have made a groundbreaking step towards the future of film. and the only way to fully experience what this movie was meant to be, they released it on 3d. and so, with cielo in tow (or vice versa), i ignored my sore eyes and found out for myself what the fuss was all about. allow me to tell you the tale...

it was the 14th of october, 2007 a.d., dusk. our story begins in the pillars of peopesupport as our intrepid hero, jaiskizzy, leaves the fortress after a day's work of slavery. soon, he is joined by the fair princess cielo of pateros and the two of them brave a bus ride to the famed kingdom of moa to watch a presentation of the epic, beowulf. but alas, they failed to arrive in time for the seven o'clock showing and just settled for the next one.

cielo taking pictures of people's butts

having bought their tickets, they killed the hour by eating at greenwich and exchanging slices of their lives. when the clock struck nine and a half, they lined up to enter the theater and secure their seats. upon entrance, they were handed optical aids which later appeared in several unauthorized photographs.

a looping pic. if you stare at it for a while, you'll waste time.

grendel's mom and grendel.

cielo: pierced tongue
jai: tied tongue

after the three-dimensional spectacle, they exited the theater, left moa, and went their separate ways home.

the end...

p.s. if by any chance it interests you, you may read my beowulf review by clicking the last word of this sentence.

p.p.s. thank you, cielo.

BEOWULF by jaiskizzy

the gist: it's happy hour in king anthony hopkins' mead hall, which means booze, babes and belting out some songs sans videoke (and this was centuries ago. nothing ever changes eh?) enter grotesque gatecrasher grendel, who only wants some peace and gives everyone a piece of his pissed-off mind by tearing them to pieces. with everyone scared shitless, a hero is called for and through the stormy seas, beowulf rises to challenge. thus begins beowulf's battle against grendel, angelina jolie's nakedness and living up to his legendary name. plus a golden dragon. will beowulf be the last cgi standing?

the reaction: gaddaym! imax 3d is a-fuckin-mazing. say ta-ta to those red and blue 3d glasses of yore. this is no doubt the future of movie watching. and what better way to immerse oneself in this extraordinary experience than on the breakthrough motion-capture film beowulf. when i put the glasses on and the credits rolled, i couldn't help not to be such an idiot and tried to reach for and touch the 3d letters. it got me like that. every time something suddenly pops up out of the screen, my lovely companion would jump off her seat. and it's not even a horror film. if there is a 3d horror film being made out there, then im pitiching a tent in line. the scene of grendel's initial attack was utterly astonishing. i'm pretty sure it wouldn't have the same impact in 2d. i loved the three-dimensional blood gore and violence but the quick p.o.v. shot where robin wright penn's queen character is watching the carnage through a hole on the table she's hiding behind struck me the most in that sequence because it actually looks like you're looking through a hole in real life. darn, i crave for more of imax 3d.

the other thing that makes beowulf great is the way the poem was translated on screen. neil gaiman and roger avary of course had to change a few things up a bit and the final output was a well told story of a man who is known as a hero, proves he's a hero, but still is just a man. at one point, beowulf tells his wife queen (and im paraphrasing here) to remember him not as a hero but as a man, flawed and something else. great voice acting by ray winstone, he's not as loud as leonidas in 300 as most think due to the trailers, and upon checking the dude's pics, great decision to not make beowulf look exactly like him at all. one more kudo to crispin glover's portrayal of grendel. that old english gibberish of him talking to angelina jolie was one of the best here. angelina's though sounded fake. and speaking of that pouty-lipped temptress...

yes, fellow pervs, angelina jolie is fully nude in this film. yes, it's cgi and yes there's some gold liquid covering her privates, but a huge yes, she is very naked. and sporting a lara croft-like hairdo by the way. to me, her cgi counterpart was the most photo-realistic of all the characters. it seemed like it was really angelina jolie emerging from the water to display her cgi bareness. this was the big payoff after seeing anthony hopkins's butt and beowulf's everything except his weiner which, during his armorless, weaponless mano a mano with grendel, was amusingly covered, reminiscent of austin powers. so, yeah, apart from the violence, this movie surely aint for the young ones. which is good since there's gazillions of kid-friendly cgi movie out there. it's about time we adults get to enjoy a cgi movie for ourselves and not have any tears jerked out.

it was hard not to think of the videogame god of war throughout the movie. there were shots that felt like lifted directly from the game and i was clawing the empty air, pretending to hold an invisible ps2 controller. there were two particular sequences where i observed this prominently: when john malkovich (underused. could have been another actor, wouldn't matter) tries to debunk beowulf's hero fame by questioning the swimming contest he lost, beowulf tells him why and we get a flashback of him fighting sea monster just as he was about to win. he slices one in half and stabs another one in the eye, gives us a customary warrior shout on top of the monster's head and jumps back into the water and back into the race. very gamely. the other one is the whole golden dragon action sequence. i think i've spoiled enough so i'll leave this one undescribed for your full entertainment.

this 3d-fied version of the classic tale we all ate up in high school is a definite must-experience for all film buffs (well, except for the kiddies). sure, you could point out flaws from your point of view, but overall, beowulf will blow you away. the guys behind this have set the bar so high, everybody else will surely be pulling out all the stops to outdo them. which only spells even greater flicks headed our way. consider this reviewer bitten bigly by beowulf.

the good: the 3d!!! well, story and cg were good but fuck, man, the 3d is wicked!
the bad: mouths still need a lot of work. also, angelina jolie's boobies didn't bounce.
tha ugly: grendel.
the verdict: 9 golden horns.


jaimax.

blog readability

very short story: brando again

i.

"bullshit!" orfeo shouted. the applauding audience stopped applauding and turned to see him storm out of the viewing room. this was followed by murmurs which orfeo silenced by slamming the door.

it was the 4th national sculpture competition and orfeo ocampo lost to the aging sculptor, brando dela cruz yet again, he whom they called "the michelangelo of the philippines". this was because his works were traditional sculptures of the human form and they were great, but orfeo sought to beat him with his avant garde style. he had labored day and night with his masterpieces and still they failed to stand up to brando's.

the door to the viewing room opened and gina came out, and orfeo hard the clapping and cheering from the inside. gina was his assistant and girlfriend, in that order. she ran to his side.

"orfeo, don't be so hard on yourself," she told him. "there's still next year." she placed her hand on his arm but he moved away from her and began to head for the exit.

"fuck next year," he said without looking.

"but what about your god of a shrinking universe?"

he paused at the doorway. "smash it to pieces." he stepped out and gina never saw orfeo again...


ii.

a week later, orfeo was standing in front of the gate to brando's mansion. a maid opened it for him and ushered him inside. she led him through a hallway of sculptures and it was the first time he ever came so near to brando's works. they really were amazing. the maid gestured him to enter a door that opened to a staircase that spiraled downward and left.

when orfeo reached the bottom end of the staircase, he found himself in a small windowless room. in the middle was a long table with sculpting tools neatly placed on top. behind it was a large slab of stone.

as orfeo stepped forward to look at the tools, he noticed something hanging in the middle of the high ceiling. he couldn't tell what it was but it looked like a big ball with a hole on one side.

"orfeo," brando said suddenly, appearing from behind the slab of stone, startling him. "welcome to my workshop."

orfeo remained silent.

"anyway, i'm glad that you've finally come to your senses and agreed to be my protege." brando look at his tools, searching, rubbing his long white beard. "now, the first thing i want you to know is..."

"i'm not here to be your fucking protege." when brando looked up, he was staring at the wrong end of a gun. "i'm here to make sure your sculpting days are over."

brando showed no sign of fear and merely laughed. "of course. i knew that the moment you called me. however..." brando snapped and found what he was looking for amongst the tools: a whistle. "ah, here it is. however, poor orfeo, i am one step ahead of you."

"what do you mean? what is that?"

brando pressed the whistle on his lips and blew on it. orfeo heard it faintly. he looked around expecting a guard dog to lunge at him but there was none.

instead, a wail came from the sphere on the ceiling. orfeo looked up and a large, colorful bird emerged from the hole. it flapped its wings and then flew out. its long tail sparkled.

"what the...," orfeo said and the bird circled above him and released its droppings. the poop fell on orfeo's head. "shit!"

he tried to move away but he felt his feet stiffen. he looked down and his feet had turned to stone. and rapidly, so did his legs, followed by his waist and torso. he pointed the gun at brando, who was laughing maniacally, and fired but it also turned into stone before the bullet came out at the same time that his arms and hands did.

soon, his head began to turn into stone as well. his eyes turned to stone last and the last thing he saw was the bird perching on brando's shoulder and the old man giving the bird a treat...

by the freaking of my thumbs

during dinner with my family a while ago, the discussion turned to texting pet peeves. i usually stay quiet when eating, but i just had to join in. now, the one thing i hate most about text messages is when people replace ako with me (i.e. "d2 n me"). it's the most annoying thing to read. some may find it cute. well, i don't. it's stupid. just use straight tagalog ("d2 na ko") or straight english ("im here" or just plain "here" which i often do). what's worse than this? meeeh. worst? if it's a guy.

and then there's the shortcuts. i dont make use of them a lot, but when i do, i use them sparingly. and they make sense. some of the dumb shortcuts sent my way are: aq = ako, xe = kase, ño = nyo, kgv = kagabi, and the misuse of the number 2 to replace double syllables. for example, "ka2in n me". uh, what? just type whole word, dammit. this isn't a contest of who can text faster or an emergency. in fact, if it was an emergency and you'd receive that kind of text message, good luck to the poor soul that needs help.

finally, i also hate it a lot when the person on the other end doesn't answer all the questions you asked. i dont know why. either they didn't scroll all the way down or they forgot about it, but come on. i did not put it there just to fill in the remaining space for letters. rsvp, darn it!

anyways, that's the juice for tonight. im off to watch tron. tomorrow, i will posting another short story, one i wrote this morning when i woke up. but for now, gotta love ya and leave ya.

p.s. one other thing i really hate is music that automatically plays when you go to a web site. if i want to hear it, i'll play it. do not force it on me. it's no different from the dvd vendors that ask you what you are looking for when you pass by. dude, i'll ask you myself if i have to, but in the mean time, leave me the fuck alone.
p.p.s. yeah i know the pic had no relation to the topic. but just by adjusting your eyes, you could make the girl spin clockwise or counterclockwise. neato.

for cielo

hello, cielo! tell me your blog's url or else...

ost

the first time i heard muse was from blue's itunes because that's what he'll always play when the gma7 gang hung out at his place but since we were drinking ourselves out those times i barely paid attention to the band. however, the music was probably embedded in a part of my ear since then. last weekend i saw this dior ad on some website which was directed by wong kar wai and starred eva green and the score was very familiar. a couple of clicks later, i found out it was a muse song entitled space dementia. and so i met my new favorite band. i know im pretty late but at least i didn't "steal" them from someone. you could even say that in a way, muse found me.

my top three favorite muse songs in random order are: thoughts of a dying atheist, assassin, and, starlight. heck, i like all their songs. (but i will not post lyrics. never.)

so now i have bright eyes and muse playing the soundtrack to my life. i got conor oberst to share my frustrations in love with and matt bellamy to discuss anarchy and the end of the world. them and my future wife, marie digby. here she is with a mesmerizing cover of maroon 5's makes me wonder. give em heaven, love.



responses:
acey: very lucky. if i had stayed there a few minutes longer, you're reading a ghost's post.
wena: you're welcome to hop by any time you like. take care.
bea: i'm not a fan. i'm her (imaginary) lover.
nadine: good for you for doing well on the test. and thanks for the kind words. owe you a beer.
angie: ditto.
gervic: hello.
aleli: likewise. again, i really like your name. please allow me to borrow it for a future story. thanks.

blog post ends here. fare thee well, friends.

p.s. katia, if you're reading this, thanks a bunch for the trivia book. wonderful way to waste time.
p.p.s. randell, if you're reading this, you can read.

HATCHET by jaiskizzy

the gist: while freddy and jason went on hiatus to recuperate from their fright fight and mike myers did some shit with rob zombie, a new mad murderer manifests from the mucky muck. his name is victor crowley (any relation to aleister?) and as the folktale goes, he had a disfigured face and when some kids burned down their house in the swamp while he was in it, his dad killed him in trying to save him: he was pressed against the door when daddy-o used a hatchet to break it down. believing his existence is a myth, a bunch of folks go on the infamous haunted swamp tour for some cheap scares. pretty soon they realize that victor is in fact alive and kicking/killing and he gives the visitors a bloody warm welcome. yay!

the reaction: a few days ago, katia and i were discussing horror movies. she doesn't like them, i crave for them. she pointed out that she does not want to pay money just to get scared. so i told her, you should pay money to get scared because it's the feeling/emotion we get the least. you laugh every day, cry sometimes, but very rarely get scared shit. unless you're a complete paranoid freak. anyways, that's the primary reason why i love horror films (and riding roller coasters too). the rising tension and then the sudden surge of surprise. (nudity is secondary) nowadays, the surprise though is that the recent horror movies aren't that scary anymore. well, except for the awesome asian ones, which they would then make lame remakes of. like a true terror icon, hatchet crept up behind the pack and attacked when least expected. while everybody else was looking far and ahead, the writer/director, adam green, an obvious 80s horror buff like myself, was looking back and probably thought maybe it's about time to go back to bloody basics. so he had a gangbang with the masters and in 2006, gave birth to victor crowley, a baby we've all been waiting for.

a flick that will probably never see silverscreen light in this conservative country, hatchet is a big nod to the classic american horror my generation had loved and missed. sure, it's another mean, lean, killing machine on the loose hacking and slashing humans here and there but isn't that a good thing? hordes of horror films have hopped out but only a chosen few actually lived up to the genre. now here comes a newcomer requesting your attention. not smart, no twist ending needed, no killjoy cutaways and no tear-jerking. just pure bloody goregasm. if it does get released here, it'll surely suffer from the heavy editing under mtrcb hands, hence, losing the very essence of what slasher films are about.

i like the methods of kills, especially the one were victor emulates on a human what king kong did to the t-rex in peter jackson's version. never seen that before! i also dig the stylish slow-mo splash of blood and entrails. that's a trademark in the making. plus, plus points for getting robert englund and kane hodder. still, this movie is beyond perfection. and that is probably the fault of victor crowley (or at least the guys who designed him). he simply isn't that memorable. he's one ugly bastard with a big slice on the face. that's it. i don't know if this would spawn sequels (i do hope so though) but if it does, then victor better work on his identity if he wants to stand amongst the giants. also, the huge amount of tit-flashing is great and all, but please employ some really hot, gorgeous girls next time. it will be a big difference. very big. other than that, hatchet is great horror movie to watch, especially with a girl who scares easily. wehe.

i am pretty certain that this will turn the current trend around and more films like this will get made, vying for that spot in to be the next horror icon. victor crowley aint there yet, but he is one tough conteder.

the good: the blood
the bad: the beast
the ugly: the babes
the verdict: 8 shovel handle impalings


jai the ripper.

short story: detroit

*originally posted in penster. again, written during work hours. comments appreciated. thanks.


detroit

when amber came inside the bedroom, her husband, alex, was still hunched over in front of the computer.

"alex!" she said as she walked towards him. "you've been there for hours. what on earth are you writing this time?" she leaned forward to look at the monitor screen.

"oh, hi, sweetheart." alex said and kissed her. "i'm working on a new novel. this one is totally different from anything i've written before."

amber sat on alex's lap. "what's it about?"

"dogs," he said.

"dogs?" amber asked.

"yes. dogs. in this story, dogs talk and act just like us. my main character, detroit, is a detective and his sidekick is his pet human, spike."

"creepy," amber said, "but nice."

"anyways, detroit is a german shepherd. and he's a breedist. he hates poodles. and he's on a case where a serial killer is killing german shepherds. and he believes it's a poodle."

amber smiled. "does detroit have a wife?"

"oh, no." alex said. "but he does have a dogfriend named kirsten." and then, suddenly, alex laughed. "i'm actually writing a scene now where they're about to have sex, humanstyle." alex stared into amber's eyes and winked.

amber giggled. "you are so naughty." she kissed him and stood up. "well, good luck on that. just come to bed when you're done."

"okay," said alex and typed away.

"i'm gonna take a bath," said amber and then began licking her fur...

[end]


first, thank you so much to red, michelle, maria and dhea for taking the time to read the
screaming vagina and sharing their thoughts. you make this struggling writer struggle less. also, apologies for the profane language but it was necessary. i hope you like this one as well.

p.s. the glorietta 2 bomb missed me by minutes.

mirror, mirror

i'll post my other very short story (or flash fiction, if you will) here tomorrow when i come home to batangas, including the wonderful comments from the other writers. flattering and inspiring. in the meantime, enjoy this nice little video...

the screaming vagina

*the following very short story is for restricted readers only. originally posted in penster. written during work hours. comments appreciated.


the screaming vagina


I was walking home when my mobile phone suddenly rang. It was an unknown number.

Hello.

Roy...it's Jen. I'm in a phone booth. I threw out my old sim.

Jen...

Listen, Roy. Just listen. For once, let me talk. I'm breaking up with you. And this time, it's for good because I don't want to see you anymore. So, don't you go doing something romantic, expecting me to change my mind so you could have your after-fight fuck. I'm tired of that shit. I'm tired of fucking you. My pussy deserves better.

Jen?

Yes?

I'm not Roy.

What?

You have the wrong number.

(long pause...) Oh, fuck.

I turned my phone off.

sugar pills for lithified hearts

...is the former title of a short film script im currently working on. its original title was 5 poems. my prospective lead actress liked 5 poems better so i went with it since in a way she's a co-writer (she'll take care of the poems). but because 5 poems might be too long, im gonna cut it down to four. so for now, it's entitled four poems. still, i like the concept of sugar pills/placebos so im incorporating it in the dialogue instead. the idea came to me minutes after i rescued the said actress-to-be from rats in her apartment. it's been a while since i wrote on paper so i decided to give it another shot partly because gmail (and google documents, where i keep some of my recent shit) is blocked in our office. a small amount of the script was written in a beach in botolan, zambales which i'll blog about as soon as i gather the pics i need from various digital sources.

im a very insecure a-hole and i rarely am proud of my work. but four poems, i believe, is very promising. i really enjoy writing it. it's the most personal ive ever written and it's beginning to feel like it's a coffin for my feelings and thoughts about a past i've yet to let go...

so, there. thanks for reading. i'm just glad to be writing again. my vampire muse must be on steroids. im this ( ) close to walking out of work and going home to write...

p.s. hey, santa claus (you know who you are), i want a digital slr for christmas. i swear i'll be nice.

p.p.s. a sugar pill for a lithified heart, i think, is sex.

not a poem

film is my religion. theater is my church.

in celluloid, i am immortal.


p.s. it's my new battlecry of sorts, at least the first line anyways. been using it in email signatures and just about anywhere i can. i like it because it defines me perfectly: an agnostic cineaste.
p.p.s. fuck zaido. i bought the complete shaider series and it's way better in all levels.

present day

remember, remember the 26th of september...

erai was the first person to greet me. i received a text message from her at exactly 12 midnight (at least from my time) that said: "hpi hpi hpi bday jai. mwuah". greetings poured in afterwards through texts, calls, picture messages, some from unexpected people. i was so sleepy but i replied to all of the texts. took me a while especially since some were awake enough to chitchat. i slept around 2am with the vibrate alert turned off.

from my family, my dad was the first one to greet, followed by yayie (my youngest sister), then jam (my younger sister), mama and finally nonoy (my bro). and then, of course, my favorite ninang, ninang mayet.

received a call from jennifer as i was walking to the tricycle stop, headed for work. yes, i decided to work on my birthday because there was nothing to do at home if had pto-ed. my ps2's in batangas and my dvd player won't play the dvd9's i bought over the weekend. anyways, jennifer is my wonderful ex-girlfriend who remains a great friend to me. i couldn't wait to get home to batangas to see her gift which she almost gave to me when i visited her and her son ishq.

this is ishq. but when he gets angry, he becomes....

incredible ishq!

i wore a red shirt that my mom gave to me. it says "zero" in front but not like the one that billy corgan wore in the bullet with butterfly wings video. it's for those people who'd greet people wearing red a happy birthday. at least now they were right. not too many knew my birthday, just my close friends from my account. my supervisor however sent an outlook email with the subject: attention and a picture of an indian smoke signal birthday greeting cc:-ed to everyone. so the newly informed immediately followed suit and filled up my inbox. remember shaila? she greeted me and we had a funny/naughty email conversation which i was gonna post here with her permission but i changed my mind upon realizing how long this post might become.

my break buddy, paul, and i had lunch at the usual place. i did not invite anyone to join us but if anyone else had come with us, it was my treat. i was prepared. but since no one came forward, i only paid for paul's meal. which was good. more beer for me later.

i had my hockey mask with me and wore it half of the time i was there. it's my birthday and i'll pretend to be jason voorhees if i want to.

im going on a chopping spree

when the avaya clock stuck six, paul and i were out of the building in a jiff. he had to go to pasig and get his van from his bro who refused to drive it to makati. i waited just outside peoplesupport for randell, my high school pal. when he arrived, we walked towards chunky boy where dindo already was. i introduced the two dudes to each other, pointing out that both of them were influenced me negatively. while waiting for the others to come, we hung out and grabbed a bite at a nearby sisigan, courtesy of me. arnie showed up after a while and after she had her meal, we returned to chunkyboy and order a bucket of san mig light. erai and her two friends, tin and imee, arrived soon. more introductions. more beer. paul (or the flash, as we call him) came late as always. randell sang some senti songs (dont know why). dindo sang his own version of stp's plush (chupa-me... chupa-me...) and fell off his chair. paul sang his version of eheads' pare ko (ginahasa mo lang ako...). imee sang bring me to life with dindo, who invented his own lyrics in the rap part. we finished around 2am. paul dropped each of us off with his van. when i got home, there was a couple of cakes on the table from nonoy and jc.

birthday breakdown:
greetings: 1 shoutout, 2 picture messages, 5 phone calls, 29 emails, 57 text messages (wasn't able to count verbal)
material gifts: human shirt (erai), film keychain (katia), hockey mask (erai), teddy bear (glenna), cakes (nonoy & jc) trivia book (katia), transformers pillow and customizable mug (jennifer)
beers consumed: 8
happy birthday song: 0
pictures taken: 0

i was so happy that day. i felt so, un-alone, so loved. it was one of those days i wish would never end. just keep looping over and over, like groundhog day. i'd sleep half-drunk and then be awoken by a text message greeting me a happy birthday again and again and again. um, and again. anyways, did anyone else celebrate their birthday on the same day? other than t.s. elliot? anyone?

the end.

p.s. another great gift: natalie portman's butt (wes anderson)
p.p.s. the two last two pics were taken a while ago in my room a few hours after i had a haircut.

shut 'em up

something i really want to do is bring duct tape to the movie theater for anyone who talks too loud. especially the idiots trying to sound like they know it all. i admit, i do occasionally make comments related to the flick being shown but i have the courtesy to whisper it to my companion. these people, however, have no respect for others and act like they own the world. they better not get me on a bad day.

anyways, i saw shoot 'em up over the weekend and made a review that goes: carrot-munching clive owen reluctantly helps out a pregnant damsel in distress against the gunned goons going after her. amidst the shooting, the baby is delivered and the woman is killed. and so begins a cool as crazy bulletfest between this one-man army and, well, an army led by paul giamatti, all while playing papa to the newborn and trying not to lose concentration because of the steamy monica bellucci... (click here to continue)

cant wait for hitman.

SHOOT 'EM UP by jaiskizzy

the gist: carrot-munching clive owen reluctantly helps out a pregnant damsel in distress against the gunned goons going after her. amidst the shooting, the baby is delivered and the woman is killed. and so begins a cool as crazy bulletfest between this one-man army and, well, an army led by paul giamatti, all while playing papa to the newborn and trying not to lose concentration because of the steamy monica bellucci, who plays a lactating prostitute. yes, a lactating prostitue. will our mysterious hero reach complete trigger happiness? or will he run out of rounds and luck to dodge them bullets? and will the cops arrive late at the very end of the movie like pinoy action movies? i hope not. but even if it that was the case, i could care less. this movie had me at shot-the-umbilical-cord hello.

the reaction: i have this great idea for a pinoy action movie that will break through the norm and be the impetus for the next generation of pinoy action movies because seriously, it's pretty obvious everything's been the same and gotten so lame that they've practically stopped making them now. anyways, im not gonna tell what's it about since rippers-off (damn you!) are lurking about but it has a good way of making sense out of the necessary senseless gun violence, why the hero seems to never run out of bullets, how he's able to do all those stunts, et cetera. shoot 'em up, on the other hand, keeps the hero's secret a secret. it's hinted, but we basically have no idea who the heck he is, how he can do all those cool things and why he prefers carrots as his only source of sustenance (among other uses). maybe because it's good for the eyes? hmm. anyhow, such questions need not be asked since this film is obviously self-aware from the get-go (or get-gun?). it's deliberately cheesy and over-the-top and doesn't take itself seriously at all and so you shouldn't as well. yes, there's a story thrown in there, and characters, and an ounce of philosophy too, but the bottomline is it's just meant to give you a good time from bullet number one to the last.

an exgf once said hat clive owen was the best choice to play the next james bond after pierce brosnan decided to give up the bowtie. i personally thought hugh jackman was perfect for the role, but after seeing clive owen in this movie, i still think hugh jackman should have been bond. because i believe clive owen is better at being a rough curmudgeon than a suave lothario. he made eating a vegetable look carnivorous. on the other hand, monica bellucci once again channel her inner sex goddess as the hot female lead needed for an action movie equilbrium. it's not stereotyping. that's just how monica bellucci is. she could be covered in bird shit and i'd still think she's hot. stinky but hot.

kudos to the director for not resorting to bullet-time to make things cool. i love the matrix but we've practically had more than enough bullet-time from all the action movies that used it after. here, we have none of that, just a bunch of unusual ways to shoot and kill bad guys. sometimes with the baby in two.i couldn't pick a favorite since they were all so goddarn badass but my top two would be how he kills a group of henchmen in a van with just one gun and the sex scene shootout, although the latter was a bit of a letdown since monica bellucci, who never had a problem showing her goods, kept her skirt on and we saw nary a nipple (pause button?).still, it's fucking while shooting. sex and violence in one scene alone. awesome. i do have to complain about the soundtrack though. i know that an action film requires a heavy metal scoring but i felt like the songs chosen for this one were kinda off. i liked the songs out-of-movie but i never imagined nirvana's breed or motorhead's ace of spades would be appropriate for action sequences. maybe it's just me but i just think that it didn't have the same effect that pretty handsome awkward had when barricade chases bumblebee in the transformers movie.

not everybody will enjoy this movie. if senseless violence aint your cup of tea then keep your distance and waste no time making negative reviews you've already cooked up before even seeing it. you're just being a prick. but if you love the occasional brainless fun like no-strings-attached sex and riding rollercoasters (not limited to that of course, but you get the picture im trying to paint), then leave the kids at home and jump into the fray. with outrageous gunfights, downright silly one-liners scrunched into a disposable plot, shoot 'em up is a great way to take a break from the monotony of the pretentious, the remakes, the ripoffs, and the absolute crap movies of late. bull's eye...

the good: the action sequences and monica bellucci.
the bad: soundtrack.
the ugly: just the greenscreening in the sky shootout sequence.
the verdict: 8 carrots.


skiz 'em up

thursday the 20th

september definitely is my month.

i finally found and own something ive always wanted, and i mean always. when i was a kid, i'd stay up late just to watch movies, mostly horror, one of my favorites being the friday the 13th series. i dont know why i enjoyed seeing jason voorhees murder up some teenagers. i just did. since then, ive always always always wanted to have a hockey mask like jason. and it didn't have to be exactly like the one he wore. well, i was with erai (my lucky charm?) the other day and i serendipitiously found one. it's not quite what i had in mind but it was a hockey mask and i was not going home without it. plus it was pretty cheap. erai bought it for me and i was a very happy big boy.

done. gotta scram and o.d. on mikmik. take care, you all.

p.s. did you ask, erai who? i'll clear things up soon.

pre-birthday presents

my birthday's still about two weeks away and yet ive already received a couple of great gifts today.

one: as you can see, my blog is back! woohoo! for those in the dark, my hemorage blog disappeared into thin cyberspace air without warning. i don't know what actually happened, why it suddenly just wasn't there or who was behind it. i just pointed fingers and cursed the unknown culprit because i seriously did not delete it. so, i contacted blogger support and a couple of emails and hopeless googling later, my blog was resurrected. i was already in the process of making a new one and was gonna unveil it soon but since i got my original blog back, i just incorporated the new layout on it. and so, theatrics aside, i happily present to you the latest incarnation of my blog: the psycho path. thank you, danish of the blogger support team! i owe you a beer.

two: katia fedexed me something on tuesday and she wouldn't say what it was. so ever since, ive been so excited to go home to batangas because that's the address i gave to her (i have no idea what my boni address is). the moment i arrived here, that was the first thing i looked for. it was a large fedex envelope. still without a clue what it contained, i pulled the flap that says "pull here to open" and voila! it's a keychain with film thingies! there's a hollywood sign, a vintage film camera and two movie reels! wow! this keychain was made for me! a totally unexpected gesture. thank you, katia. you are such an angel.


that's it for now, folks. i wasn't planning on posting an entry today but good deeds by good people oughta be told to the world.

p.s. yep, links are still being fixed.

RUSH HOUR 3 by obi

Lee and "7-11" (his mouth's open 24 hours) is back and crazy as ever.

A summit was held in L.A. regarding the key to the dissolution of the largest crime gang, the Triad. The Chinese Ambassador heads the exposition but there was an assassination attempt in his life even before the summit commenced. Lee, acting as VIP security then, chased the assassin and somehow Carter got tangled up with the ruckus as well.

Their investigations led them to a contact person in Paris and the duo flew to France to follow up with the case. They eventually uncovered an age old tradition amongst the members of the Triad - the Xie Chen(?). Whoever holds the Xie Chen, will have the key to knowing the important personalities involved with the criminal organization. But getting their hand to the Xie Chen wasn't easy as they discovered that Lee's brother, Kenji, was actually a member of the Triad and charged with looking after the Xie Chen.

The Xie Chen manifested in the story on a French stage actress Genevieve (the Xie Chen list actually tattooed on her bald nape). By some twists in the story, the duo was able to recover Genevieve and uncover another Triad big boss - their very own contact in Paris, Varden Reynard. Before totally sacking the case close, however, Kenji abducted the Chinese Ambassador's daughter, Soo Yung, and asked for an exchange with Genevieve.

Carter disguised as Genevieve and went with Lee to meet with Kenji for the exchange in the Eiffel Tower. Of course, fierce action scenes ensued and by the end, the L.A.P.D buddies were able to save Soo Yung and solve the case of the Triad's Xie Chen.

The whole film is basically short at almost only one hour and a half but it was packed with a fast paced plot and a hillarity that is a trademark of the "Rush Hour" series. I am a fan of the first two films and comedy-wise, this would top the second "Rush Hour". I was literally chuckling most of the time (as I refrain from laughing out loud in cinemas as much as possible).

One should be able to predict how or when some of the jokes will be delivered. This is a bad thing for most comedic movies, but the thing with Chris Tucker is that he can make an impact out of his delivery that no matter how you anticipate it, you'll still can't help laughing your arse off. With Jacky Chan, well... if a Chinese kungfu actor singing (or trying to sing) a line of "The Closer I Get to You" while riding a swing doesn't appeal to your funny bones, then I don't know what will. The overall hilarity of the movie boarders on what you've already experienced on the first two prequels BUT it's still so so enjoyable, nonetheless.

The plotline is fairly simple and frankly, a bit lacking. Lacking in fact that after watching the movie, I was like... "Eh? That's it?". My sis, bro, and bro-in-law was into the same reaction that I was convinced that yes, it's not because I enjoyed the movie so much that I was looking for more... it really was lacking more. The story's transition to its climax was flawlessly developed but the finale was so abrupt and out of synch with the entirety of the film.

On the casts, well it's a comedy movie with two of the main roles in focus for the entire film so you din't need much invest on casting bigger stars for the supporting roles. In that sense, Jacky and Chris proved that they still have the chemistry to pull off the old tricks they did on the first two "Rush Hour" movies. I observed, however, that Chris Tucker might have been given a bit more "air time" here in "Rush Hour 3" but the idea of the Lee-Carter team up was there all the time.

Don't set your expectations too high when watching the movie. As I said, it is your typical "Rush Hour" movie with those typical "Rush Hour" antics in that typical "Rush Hour" storyline. But one thing for sure: their same old formula will make you laugh.

Seven gulamans.

coming soon

the quentin tarantino experience and artificial versus natural beauty.

million sorries, guys. no time to blog since im only in batangas for this one sunday. see you next weekend.

more on morons

jagshemash! so as not to render this entry completely negative, here first is a positive poem which i wrote for layla:

longlove

stalactite-you,
stalagmite-me, together we will one day be.

i think it's good. she thinks it is. and i rarely come up with stuff like this so your comments will be appreciated much. please, 'cause ive got another one still baking in my brain. okay, now, on to the main event...

warning: profanity ahead.

dearly beloved, it is time once more for me to release the steam of my boiling insides regarding the philippines' largest rip-off network, gma7. ive witnessed the multiple accounts of rape/blatant plagiarism that the aforementioned tv station has committed and gotten away with scot-free. almost every new show they churn out is a cheap xerox copy of something else (examples: smallville = captain barbell? sailormoon = super twins? indiana jones + tomb raider = asian treasures?), stress on the word cheap. and now, they are at it yet again with another show that stinks of shit a mile away. their latest victim: shaider. fuck.

you probably heard of it already, word came out some time ago that gma 7 acquired the rights to do a filipino version of shaider. sure, i think it's a neat idea but knowing gma 7, i was pretty sure it can only go bad. i bet that the costume would suck. i bet that there will be a cast of hundreds, with dozens more to be added along the way. i bet that the storyline will suck which includes that one of the characters is secretly the child of another character. i bet there will be awful acting. i bet that they'd boast about the special effects before it begins and then after a month or so, the effects will start to decrease in quantity and quality until the days when you're not actually watching shaider anymore and just a bunch of stupid drama storylines, their excuse for not using the once bragged-about special effects. in a nutshell, i bet it's a decrapitation of the superb series i'd loved in the past.

then news came that the smart japanese dudes who owned shaider have refused to let gma 7 to make an ass out of their brainchild. well, i actually have no idea why (maybe they didn't like the treatment that gma 7 sent for approval? waha! such wonderful writers) but it's good that they did. how did the network take this? no more pinoy shaider? wrong! they simply do what the do best: rip it off. they somehow manage to make that bad news (for them, good news for me) into something positive and now they're gonna do something entirely different but still based on shaider. and they want to call it, get ready for this... shaido. uh, what? someone even said that shaido was the brilliant title that the writer came up with. what? what's so brilliant about replacing a couple of letters with one?!? this is absolutely fucked up. why don't these morons just get a clue and not do it at all? forget piracy on the streets. there's piracy on tv right before your very eyes...

oh, by the way, the series will be directed by dominic zapata, again. you don't have to be familiar with the name, just the with all the shit he's made. he who said that they weren't ripping off sailormoon with super twins because he didn't know they were similar. oh, come on. complete bull. dude, fuck you. fuck you and all of your fellow idiots.

and finally, in celebration of the word "ginormous" and others that recently got added into the dictionary, i introduce to you a new hemorage feature: word of the day!

our word for today is "nosocomial" which means "acquired or occurring in a hospital".

used in a sentence: "our word for today is 'nosocomial'."

voila! another blog post off to take up space in cyberspace, be read by some and ignored by the rest, and fall prey to evil electronic entities such as gaypornphoto over there in the bloodboard (*shiver). thanks for the time and take care always, everyone.

p.s. happy belated friday the 13th!
p.p.s. watched harry potter 5 with my sibs and thought that it was really... [read review]

HARRY POTTER AND THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX by jaiskizzy

the gist: harry potter et al are back for more wand waving and broom riding, now that lord voldemort, he who must not be named but i just did, has returned to do some dark deeds and get a nose. but that is not the case if you were to ask the ministry of magic because according to them everything is just a bunch of lies and that harry must be high on sniffing too much magic dust. as new laws are imposed in hogwarts led by the new ministry-assigned teacher, harry refuses to give the fight up and is determined to defeat the dark lord whatever it takes. does he stand a chance against baldie and his minions? cant emma watson be of legal age already so it wont feel wrong to think she's hot? but most importantly, will these actors ever get to do other movies? moviegardium reviewsa!

the reaction: ive never read any of the harry potter books and i dont think i ever will. i tried to, once in the past, but i wasn't even able to get past page one. i dont know. i just dont feel like it. so pardon me for any mistake i might make about the books. i'll shoot it to you straight: i didnt like this movie. it was very disappointing. there was a certain level of energy and grandeur that the first four had which this one lacked. it was mostly flat and uneventful scenes. well, of course lots of stuff happen. i just didn't find them as striking as, say, the flying car sequence in chamber of secrets and the map thing in prisoner of azkaban. except for that quick wizard wand fight near the end, nothing else stands out as special, yes, even the broom ride along thames river. just scene after scene of mediocrity. it wasn't boring, mind you. it just felt weak as if you're not watching a harry potter movie at all. that's probably why the kids behind me were so noisy and barely paid attention to the movie. it didn't capture your interest. it merely played on the fact that it is a harry potter movie and people would watch it, fan of the book or not, regardless of what they put in there, like dancing frogs or something. upon leaving the theater, the movie seemed like a filler episode.

the special effects were okay, cgi was okay, like i said, nothing new. well, maybe for dumbledore's water ball. that was awesome. i read somewhere about hagrid having a half-brother in the movie that was done entirely in cgi and that the technology they used was quite advanced. really? it didn't seem like so. plus it was dark so that's kind of a giveaway. then there are those cart-pulling creatures that can only be seen by people who've seen death. only she and harry can see them. then later harry and the whole gang are riding these beasts. wait, what? how did that happen? im sure the book has some explanation but i guess they forgot to include that in the script. what, did harry kill a squirrel in front of his friends?

some of the other reviewers were right though when they said that the chemistry between daniel radcliffe, emma watson and the dude who plays ron (nice hair btw) was great. they do feel like they've been friends a long time. no dialogue-ish dialogue to reiterate their bond, just plain friend language real world people use. however, there was a highly noticeable absence of humor that was present in little sprinkles in the previous films. here, i didn't laugh one bit. the usual comic relief ron wasn't in the mood i guess. dumbledore is starting to become lame. i think that he should have the same presence of gandalf whenever he's on screen. here, he's more like gimli sans comedy. except for that wand-off (sorry can't help it) with voldemort in the end, he's quite depensable. i think the first actor was better. the only other actors worth praising was the girl who played the unblinking luna lovegood, and of course, gary oldman. dude's cool. everything he does, he does with panache, especially the way he casts his spells. en garde!

like i said, i was not impressed. whoever this director david yates is, they should fire him and have someone else direct the next one to work some magic to put the flame back on and keep it burning (get alfonso cuaron again!). like magic show where the magician does tricks you've already seen a million times that you know how it's done already, this gig was a letdown. ugh, i wish i'd watched this online instead.

the good: the wizard battle and gary oldman. (and emma watson of course, sshh!)
the bad: the direction, the screenplay and the rest of the movie.
the ugly: the asian girl. like, what!?
the verdict: 4 prophecy orbs.


he who must not be tamed

DIE HARD 4.0 by obi

Detective John McClane is back with yet another showcase of his daredevil skills. In a daring attempt to sabotage the entire American economy, a group of cyber-terrorists lead by a sacked government computer head honcho Thomas Gabriel, executed what they dubbed as the "Firesale". "Firesale" is their term for a three-point economic cyber-sabotage composed of messing up with the traffic ways, blocking the communication lines, and shutting down the power grid. In able to do this, Gabriel's terrorist ring staged a competition among the hackers to program the software that will initiate the "Firesale". After the program was finished, the syndicate started killing all the hackers involved.

One hacker lived, as his assasination was foiled by McClane, who was under order to arrest the hacker - Matt Farrell. As the duo went along with their business, McClane eventually uncovered the reasons why Farrell was under attack and that it was tied up with the economic sabotages that was already hitting America (the start of the "Firesale"). McClane, who just won't die, kept on being the arse pain to Gabriel and company. In an attempt to sack the detective, Gabriel kidnapped his daughter and bargained for her life if he'll stop the crackdown to their evil plans.

With intense action scenes here and there, McClane finally saved her daughter and kill the bad dudes before help from the NBI arrived (how typical Pinoy film scenario!).

The movie's a very "guy film". True to it's title, it was jampacked with hardcore action scenes from start to end that it will make you wonder how the heck McClane survived all of that. The story was there and I pretty much like the concept of cyber-terrorism but take note that there's a whole LOT of exaggerations in the movie that certainly would never be possible in real life. So to appreciate the story, you'll going to keep in mind NOT to question the capabilities of the good guy... good guys should always triumph no matter how. Period. I also wanted how they emphasized the weakness of the American way of life brought upon by mucho dependence on computers. Props to whoever conceived of this idea for the prequel.

Overall, it's still your typical "Die Hard" film with a never-say-never cop who seemed to have challenged the world just to have his way of making criminals pay. They said it was a tad stylized than the prequels but I think it was mainly because of the presence of the organized crime group and the NBI officers (who have been visible all throughout the movie but wasn't really much of a help). I haven't watched Die Hard 3 (DH3) but I still can recall DH1 and DH2, and I can't see much change from the McClanes of the prequels. In this movie, McClane is still McClane. I'll have to give the credit to Bruce Willis and his charisma to carry on the charge of portraying the scruffy-looking detective again as he did years ago despite having aged to his 50's.

Hands down on the acting department. Timothy Olyphant (Gabriel) and Maggie Q (Mai Lihn) are very capable adversaries to McClane, with their merry band of computer hackers. Timothy has that sinister appeal on him while maintaining the "not-a-dumb-villain" look. Maggie Q, on the other hand, flawlessly fulfilled the role of the token Asian sidekick. She's still scorching hot on combat gears (as in MI:3) and although I find her resillience to McClane's attacks unbelievable (no matter how brutal they were and how wiry this chick is), I still loved her performance for the role. Cool martial arts moves too. Justin Long (Matt Farrell) did not look too geeky for his role. I'd rather prefer he portrayed the "geekiness" as exhibited by Warlock (Kevin Smith), but I guess that's what the director intended anyway.

One of the scenes that made me raised an eyebrow (although I really can't do that raising-an-eyebrow thing) was when an F35 jetplane chased down McClane on a freeway, and the protagonist walked out of it alive. That's just pushing it too much! I mean, McClane was being shot at like hell by anti-armor rounds and payloads of missiles with only a truck - a HUGE truck! - at his disposal.

HUGE TRUCK = HUGE TARGET

And the fighter pilot kept on missing the damn thing like a three year old trying to pin the tail on the donkey, blindfolded! And when he finally hits, he was still dumb enough to stuck himself to ground where McClane could make an easy work of doing funky stuffs to it and send it to doom. Watdapak?

All just to give the viewers a good action ride. So yeah, you should get by now what I'm trying to mean by "it's a guy film"... sacrificed reality for more loads of action!

Seven gulamans.

RATATOUILLE by jaiskizzy

the gist: a rat named remy realizes that he's a rare rodent reared to round up rich recipes and not to rummage through rubbish. rrrr. his forbidden journey to the realm of humans leads him to the lanky linguini, a garbage boy who works for gusteau's restaurant and dreams of becoming a chef. i guess it was kismet that they met because soon their dreams come true as remy puppets linguni around the kitchen to make dazzling, delectable dishes, putting them in the suspicious sights of the two-heads-high head chef and the mean mouth of restaurant critic most cruel, anton ego. will the dynamic duo's cuisine reign supreme (iron chef! hah!)? will rats and humans finally have a mutual coexistence? wait a shit, a cooking rat?!?! hello, leptospirosis?!? [insert horror tune]

the reaction: i can't cook. gusteau is wrong when he said anyone can cook. anyone but me. i was anatomically assembled to consume, and not produce, food. and part of that process was probably to stay thin no matter how much i eat. anyways, this film focuses less on the food, more on the characters which is a good thing. just like in the incredibles, brad bird and the pixar peeps have once again taken a very absurd impossible idea and gave it a heart and made it believable. i totally dont dig the whole concept of a cooking rat but then when i watched this movie, that skepticism seems to have been switched off. i never actually thought i'd find rats endearing (im not scared of them like layla, but they are icky), but this film just makes it work. not only because it's animated, but the way the rats, especially remy, were presented with such personality and no forced cuteness, kind of like human beings in rat suits. in the slightly similar live-action movie willard, they made you hate rats even more than you already do. here, they managed to get you to be fond of them, or at least hate them less, for the duration of the movie. but afterwards, did i go home and start treating rats as friends? no, sir.

i liked the story, the classic reach-for-your-dreams-and-follow-your-heart, or in this case, follow the ghost of your idol chef. nice little love arc too. well, they are in paris, right? but the bestest best part of this movie is the cgi. pixar has come a long long way since toy story. every film is like the next step in cg animation, continuously raising the bar for the genre, but breaking that bar themselves. yes, shrek also has superb cg but the story aspect has deteriorated. here, the stars of the show are the rats. they look and move just like real rats. sure, they're also a bit cartoony but the details of realism are amazing. the way they scurry, get wet, sniff, very real. i read somewhere that the rats were supposed to look less real at first but brad bird decided against it. good call, mr. bird. as a paradox, the humans look very cartoonish. accompanied by great voice acting, most notably peter o'toole's anton ego, and you've got a spectacular treat of a movie.

they couldn't have picked a better tagline: a comedy with great taste. it's a fine funny family film that will definitely delight young and old alike. well, that's kind of a no-brainer since pixar hasn't failed the audiences' animated appetite. can't wait for their next serving (which is wall-e).

the good: the cgi. wet, cgi hair never looked so real.
tha bad: the whole idea. yeah, it's cute. but for crying out loud, a cooking rat?!?
the ugly: the kitchen filled with rats. now, imagine that's your kitchen...
the verdict: 7 lightninged mushrooms.


skizzy a la king

long story short

hi-ho. i was gonna post an entry last week but i had to cut short my stay in batangas for i had to return to boni immediately. we were being thrown out of our apartment. [fast forward] we've moved to a bigger place and everything's peachy. for now.

here then is what i was able to finish there: my transformers movie review.

okey dokey. we're off to watch live free or die hard. auf wiedersehen.

TRANSFORMERS by obi

A war on their own world has brought the noble Autobots and the antagonistic Decepticons into the Earth in search of the Allspark, an alien cube that is the Transformers' only hope to rebuild their devastated world. The Decepticons, Blackout and Scorponok, attacked a military base in Qatar while the insidious Frenzy sneaked into the Air Force One, all just to tap into the military secret files in search of information about Project Iceman. Project Iceman would lead the Decepticons to the whereabouts of their leader, Megatron, who in turn will lead them to the location of the Allspark.

The deceased ship captain involved in the events leading to Project Iceman turned out to be the grandfather of our lead role, Sam Witwicky. Sam holds the key to the location of the Allspark (engraved on his grandfather's eyeglasses). In some turn of events, Sam will own Bumblebee and later on learned about the nature of the Transformers. In an attempt to find the Allspark, they stumbled upon the secret government agency, Sector 7, which holds the secret to the location of both Megatron and the alien cube.

Unbeknownst to them, Frenzy the MVP was able to skitter his way towards the secret location by stalking Sam's hot girlfriend, Mikaela (yeah I really have to insert "hot" there). Frenzy contacted the Decepticons to converge on his location and freed Megatron from his cryo-freeze slumber. All the while, the rest of the Autobots are on their way to make their stand against the Decepticons on a nearby town. It was a battle royale when both factions clashed for the Allspark. I have to break it to you that Jazz was decapitated by Megatron. But in the end, Sam was able to dump the Allspark to Megatron's chest to destroy both the artifact and the monolithic robot.

Don't leave the cinema yet when the credit rolls since along with it, there will be teaser scenes that made a sequel imminent.

Most people anticipated the movie to be crap, and you can't blame em. First, the previews din't much give a clue on what does the robots look like and on the short moments that they did, they seemed very far from what the animated series presented. So the first thing that will hit you was that this will just be another kiddie movie with an unrealistic crap for a plot. There were also the rumours that outright deviated with what we generally know about Transformers... biggest of them was Bumblebee being a Camaro and not the lovable bug (Volkswagen Pendong Pagong) that we all knew. Another was that it's on a present-day settings. Transformers the cartoon series was set on the 80's and thinking of that alone would lead you to conclude that the script writers would recede to ridiculous ideas just to tie-in the whole concept into a more modern timeset.

What's awesome about it was that much of these were true - the robots din't much represent their original transformations (Prime, even when a truck, is not the original boxy hauler from the cartoon series) and the modernized concept is waaay different from the 80's Transformers that we remembered BUT despite it all, the overall impact of the movie is surprisingly well!

I believe that what contributed with this much appreciation was the fact that the movie was able to compensate a LOT of cool graphical goodies for what it lacks from the cartoon series. For most, the CG is outright wicked! The transformation is smoothly done and the robots' interactions with the humans are seamless that they really looked like coexisting simultaneously. It also has tons of fan services the likes of the original transformation sound and cheesy one-liners from the cartoons like Optimus Prime's "one shall stand and one shall fall" and "Autobots, transform and roll out!". It's just frustrating that they never played the original Transformer musical score!

The plot line is well simple. Your typical good versus bad thing. It's not what the movie would like to showcase anyway. It threaded away from the cartoon series' storyline but it still has some adherence to the basic concepts like how they characterized the Autobots' personalities (although Bumblebee was an exception in that he was not wimpy in the film). The Decepticons' Frenzy was surprisingly the MVP of the plot since singlehandedly it was responsible for the hacking of the government networks, uploading a virus into it, finding the location of Sam and freeing Megatron! The story basically was there because of Frenzy.

Most of the casts are pretty decent. Shia LaBeouf (Sam) was really reminiscent of the cartoon series' Spike. I can find the similiarities on their personality. I find the US Army squad led by Josh Duhamel (Captain Lennox) a bit overplaying their role. They din't strike me as grizzled war veterans and more of the stereotype heroic soldier we commonly see on films. Megan Fox (Mikaela) is hot when she's on her grimy look, nuff said. Also, it was nice to hear the original voice of Optimus Prime (Peter Cullen). If only Megatron and Starscream's original voice talents were there too, it will be total awesome-ness.

The bad thing is if you're a diehard fan of the 80's series and won't appreciate much of the deviations done on the movie, you would probably walk out underwhelmed. To enjoy the film, you have to set your mind up before seeing it that this will not be much of the cartoon series we loved back then. No problem for the later generations, they'll sure enjoy watching it. Watch out for the humours too. There were scenes that would make a good laugh.

The goodies will sure outweight the bad and I would like to see either Bumblebee or Frenzy nominated for the Oscars. 9 gulamans worth.

TRANSFORMERS by jaiskizzy

the gist: giant fucking robots have come!! one, disguised as a helicopter, has attacked a u.s. military base in qatar apparently to steal some top secret 411. the survivors hike into the desert and bump into another one in scorpion form. one more that can change into a cd player hitches a ride on air force one. lara croft's dad, who now works as the department secretary, is like, what the heck's going on? meanwhile, sam witwicky, who's trying to sell his great grandfather's stuff on ebay, finally gets a car which turns out to be a roboto incognito as well. it's bumblebee! soon his cybertronian comrades, led by the great optimus prime, arrive on a mission: find the allspark and prevent it from ending up in the menacing mandibles of megatron and his metallic minions. leaking lubricants! it's the autobots versus the decepticons in spunktacular cgi combat! who would be the last robot standing? will this movie make us fanboys happy? and, dude, is that megan fox chick blazing hot or what?

the reaction: damn you, michael bay, came the battlecry of generation geek, revolting against the apparent desecration of precious childhood memories. when word that a transformers live action movie was being made broke out, prayers were answered. but when information, pictures and video were gradually released through the geek-ruled internet, negativity spread fast. flames on optimus prime? lips on optimus prime? bumblebee's not a vw beetle? megatron's not a gun? no soundwave? madness! but as a rabid fan of the cartoon series myself, i took no part in this digital stone throwing. i completely understood that it was highly impossible to make the movie exactly as it was in the cartoon. it couldn't and wouldn't look right. case in point: megatron being an alien spaceship instead of a walther p38. someone said: that's like having darth vader turn into a lightsaber. damn right. so i aligned myself with the optimistic ones, thankful that a big screen adaptation has finally arrived. goosebumping through trailers, i thought, this will be good. i was wrong. it was phenomenal.

i cannot remember how many times i cursed throughout the movie. most of the other moviegoers went "wooo!". i on the other hand was all (pardon kids) "putangina", but in two versions: the quick, shocked version, and the slow, syllabic version. the moment peter cullen's voice opened the film i snapped back into the past and became a dumbstruck (foulmouthed) kid. with a humongous boner. and when i first heard the iconic transforming sound, that one that could pretty much define the 80's for me, i had geekgasm. i mean, fuck, they actually used it. and i really think that that's one of the best aspects of this movie, the sound effects, not only during transformations but in the different weapons used through the film. i literally held myself from jumping off my seat when i heard starscream's shots, which kind of resembled the decepticon laser sfx in the cartoon. i also liked megatron's blaster. still on sound, another factor that contributed much was the great soundtrack, particularly the one in the first autobot-decepticon encounter between bumblebee and barricade, when barricade jumps in the air, transforms and chases after bumblebee. awesome. there's also a great scene where regarding songs that the situation calls for, as chosen by bumblebee. the transformations, oh, man, the transformations were an eyeful. you see gears turning, mechanical pieces switching and locking into place. they were absolutely incredible to watch. when i left the theater, i looked at vehicles and imagined them transforming.

shia labeouf as sam witwicky is a an example of perfect casting that all textbooks on filmmaking should have. the monkey-spanking mink machine megan fox is as well since the only thing you can match cool cars with is a hot babe, but shia just was outstanding in his role, a nerd on the greatest adventure of his loser life. his secret reaction to megan fox's hotness (oh my god) was classic. cant wait to see how he fares in indiana jones 4. everyone else did fine too. there was another pretty chick there, a blonde with an accent, but she was covered up most of the time, unlike the foxy megan fox who generously displayed her assets as much as pg-13 would allow.

the robots were amazing. the cgi was flawless. perfect. i could see and feel the hard work put into them. combined with the actor interaction, i'd swear they were really there. and the (re)designs were so cool. i like bumblebee's design the best because it fitted his personality (or robotality?) well, especially when he was shadowboxing while prime introduced him. among the other autobots, jazz was the one who had the closest semblance to the cartoon. i really didn't mind optimus prime having a mouth, but it would have been cooler if he had kept his faceplate on all the time. (oh, he has the matrix! )and the fact that they got peter cullen to voice him again was just awesome. i wish they had frank welker as well for megatron but hugo weaving did him justice. he actually didn't sound like agent smith at all. i was having multiple geekgasms during the optimus prime and megatron one-one-one. and i probably would have doubled my multiple geekgasms if starscream had his original voice. nonetheless, i was waaayyyy satisfied with everyone's transition from 2d to 3d. jesus christ, the cartoon has come to life.

so, maybe yeah, damn you, michael bay. damn you for this wonderful piece of work. i came in with a very large bag of expectations and came out with it overflowing. i liked the way the story was paced. i liked how the action sequences weren't corny. i like how everything was consistently told in the point of view of humans (low camera angles). i loved the cartoon, and goddammit, i loved the movie. the fat guy with the digital camera couldn't have been more right: this is 100 times way cooler than armageddon. part two, please?

the good: the whole darn movie.
the bad: okay, maybe one lil gripe: frenzy. me want soundwave!
the ugly: again, frenzy.
the verdict: 10 bee-otch air fresheners.

skizzimus prime.