HITMAN by jaiskizzy

the gist: when bret hart decided to quit wrestling.... (just kidding) when it comes to assassins-for-hire, 47 is #1. raised by a secret organization known as... the organization (it was the agency in the game) to become the perfect killer, he never misses a target and always gets away clean. however on a mission to kill the russian president, things don't go as planned. it seems his peeps have turned against him, putting our bald-headed anti-hero out on the run from the interpol and the fsb and against other nameless agents, with a hot babe who hates clothes tagging along. did you notice there are zero alliterations on the synopsis?

the reaction: the hitman video game franchise is one of my favorites because it's not just your usual button-mashing, shoot-everything-in-sight first-person adventure. it's a game of tactics and stealth and completion of the mission requires precision and consideration of every option before making a decision for a slight miscalculation means a bad situation. waha. anyways, with the previous videogame-to-movie flops, one would normally think that the filmmakers would exert extra effort to do really well because the audience could only have high expectations at this point. you can't make a movie that's just good. it has to be really, really great to please the fans and non-fans alike. with hitman, i feel like they didn't actually try to make a hitman movie. they were instead trying to make the next big action flick, took some inspirations from the game and slapped that title on it and waited for the cash to flow in. they barely paid respect to the source material. so, is it good or bad? let us begin with the negatives.

the biggest mistake of this movie is timothy olyphant. he just does not fit the role. when casting rumors began, fanboys were unitedly screaming only one name: jason statham. after seeing him in transporter, he was agent 47 for me. all he needed was the red tie. i dont know what happened but they picked timothy olyphant instead. the movie kinda lost it right there. sure, he's a good actor but he just does not look and feel like agent 47. i mean, vin diesel was also considered at one point and i would have liked vinny over timmy. why? because he just didn't have the eyes of a killer. granted he was able to pull off how agent 47 moved, walked, talked (must have watched game clips over and over) but he didn't get the eyes. he never looked like a cold-blooded assassin at all. well, there was one scene where he had a menacing expression going on while choking an enemy, but that seemed like trying too hard. which brings me to the second biggest mistake of this movie: it was too actiony.

anyone who has seen the bourne movies would notice a lot of similarities. well, the premise was the same, a whole secret organization against one guy who is good at killing people. but it didn't mean it had to go the same direction. as mention above, the hitman games were about stealth and precision. you're supposed to be a ghost. anyone who has seen you are already dead. but in this movie, agent 47 is all over the place. he's out walking in crowds. he's bald and he's got a barcode tattoo on the back of his head. how am i supposed to believe that he won't stand out? and then in one really stupid scene, he kung fu fights a bunch of guys. fucking kung fu. with swords. instead of sneaking up on enemies and using piano wire (my favorite method) he does a jet li. ridiculous. the script is lame and complicated at the same time. they should have began with agent 47 doing several hits before going to the main plot. plus if you don't listen carefully, you won't get what's going on. i mean, me, i understood it and it thought it was messed-up writing. for the pinoy moviegoers who rely more on visuals, the film is gonna be tough to swallow.

okay, on the other end of the barrel, you got a few good things that prevented hitman from becoming a total disaster. numero uno, the game elements that they put in the movie. they were few and far in between but they were cool nonetheless. from the look of agent 47 to his body language, diana, hiding weapons, hiding bodies, disguises, the logo, they were pretty nice nods. soundtrackwise, the movie began with the game's original ave maria theme but that's about it. props to robert knepper as well who played yuri. that bathtub was such a t-bag moment. but the best part of the movie was nika. she's not the most beautiful actress you've seen, but she was more than enough to provide the obligatory t&a (and exactly t&a). no sex scene, but that crotch rub she did will forever be stored in the fantasy vault of my brain.

i paid to see one of my favorite video games come alive on the silverscreen and instead saw an ill-executed bourne wannabe. i am very disappointed and could only hope that the next videogame-to-movie endeavors do better. way better. you know, i've always thought that you can't do a bad movie with the right ingredients - bullets, blood and boobs. consider this reviewer wrong on that one.

the good: the nods to the game, t-bag and nika (rrrrr).
the bad: the execution.
the ugly: timotht olyphant as agent 47.
the verdict: 3 barcode tattoos.


agent 69.