apocalypse how

*edited version on uno magazine april 2008

APOCALYPSE HOW

On a zoo trip, a giraffe bent down to us and asked: How will the world end? We couldn’t answer because we were so engrossed at the sight of copulating crocodiles. Anyways, the question stuck to us so much, we had to do a feature on it. For this, we gathered scientists, futurists and psychics and we asked them who they think will win this year’s American Idol. After that, we all went out for drinks and those specialists ditched us when we passed out. So, we just put our hungover heads together and came up with these five possible doomsday scenarios. We wanted to interview the speaking giraffe but the other giraffes had killed him for breaking their non-speaking rule.

Okay, now that the beginning has ended, let’s begin the end!

METEOR CRASH
Thanks to online porn, a lonesome scientist in an observatory fails to, uh, observe the first appearance of a meteor headed for Earth. When he does see the meteor, it is so close that estimated time of impact is tomorrow. He sends an email of warning to all his scientist friends and videotapes a farewell message, which he uploads to YouTube and becomes most watched clip. The governments contact Michael Bay to get Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck to solve the meteor problem but he’s busy filming the Arcee-Bumblebee sex scene in Transformers 2. The next day, the meteor arrives and it’s the size of a bowling ball. It disintegrates upon atmosphere entry. Everyone rejoices and takes off all their clothes in a worldwide nude party. Just as the geeks scream “Orgy!”, a second ginormous meteor hits and the world crumbles.
Odds: Likely

WORLD WAR III
It’s every beauty pageant contestant’s nightmare. A rogue nation is fed up with the rest of the world’s shit and unleashes the weapons of mass destruction--nuclear, biological or chemical--that it has been developing in secret for years. A bigger country with an even bigger stash of bombs gets pissed for not thinking of it first and fights back. The much-expected Third World War ensues as everyone else joins the fray. There’s rains of missiles, humongous mushroom clouds in every direction, flying limbs and a bunch of people beating up the guy with the prophetic sandwich sign. When the dust clears, humankind is wiped out and the Earth is one big empty parking lot with crater-size potholes. If there are any survivors, they’d probably be screaming, mindless mutants that only eat waffles but would die eventually because there’s no more waffles.
Odds: You betcha.

ALIEN INVASION
SETI (Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence) hits pay dirt when transmission from an alien race is intercepted. Dudes who have too much free time decode the message which basically says “We’re coming, bitches!” Apparently, when NASA beamed The Beatles song Across The Universe in space, the aliens liked it so much that they’re devastated to learn that John Lennon is already dead. And what better way to release anger than destroy the Earth. Upon their arrival in phallic spaceships, the aliens first turn their mega-laser sights to the supposed abductees who spread the anal probing rumor, which wasn’t true. Everybody else is killed next and no one is spared. The aliens then haul the whole, barren Earth back to their home planet and put it in a museum. Entrance fee is 1 million kryptonites.
Odds: Yeah, right.

SECOND COMING
Preachers everywhere go “I told ya!” to everyone as the Four Horsemen of Apocalypse come in from four corners of the globe, even though it’s round. They do a race on who can kill the most in one pass around the world and Death wins of course because that’s what he does. They then pave the way for the arrival of the boss of all bosses. Everything goes dark for a while and a spotlight from nowhere suddenly comes on as Jesus bursts into the scene in a badass Harley Davidson that would make Ghost Rider splooge his pants. Every person He passes by that believed in Him is given a big bike and they all ride along with Him up the highway to Heaven. The ground opens up and eats all the atheists and other non-believers, making them Satan’s sex slaves. Then God does Genesis 2.0 and on the first day He says, “Let there be lightsabers.”
Odds: Slim

IT’S ALL A DREAM
It turns out that reality as we know it is all a dream. At a specified time in the real reality, we all wake up simultaneously and leave the dream world permanently. The guy who was about to have a threesome with Adrianna Lima and Alessandra Ambrosia goes nuts. This world is much like the dream Earth except that everything is in reverse. Cars run backwards. Fish fly and eat birds. Bill Gates is a bum on the streets. Burgers have patties outside, buns inside. And men have monthly periods.
Odds: Nah.