Thursday, June 17, 2010

THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE (First Sequence) by jaiskizzy


apercu:: a reclusive german surgeon who was once the best at separating siamese twins has gone cuckoo and has decided that doing the opposite of his former work is more fun. after successfully creating his sweet little three-dog, he moves up the food chain for his next diabolical project: the human centipede. lo and behold, two girls lost in the woods come knocking at his doorstep to be part of his effed-up experiment. ladies and gentlemen, the doctor is in...sane.

reaction: with people all over the intertubes making a collective cringe of disgust for the human centipede, it is only natural for me to have high expectations for this movie. as a film junkie, a large portion of my addiction for movies constitutes gore flicks. i just love gore. i dont know if having viewed so much of them has affected my aversion for the appalling or if i was simply born with a strong stomach, but after watching the human centipede, all i could think of was, "that was it?" roger ebert wouldnt even give it a star rating because according to him it exists where "stars don't shine." no, it doesn't mr. ebert. it exist in "promising but disappointing." the human centipede = not gross at all.

the only part that had any effect on me was when dr. heiter was explaining through an overhead projector what he was going to do to the victims. i had zero knowledge of what the movie title actually meant and when all was revealed, i had slight trepidations with continuing to watch the movie (much like when the 2 girls 1 cup video went meme). but of course curiosity won and i watched dr. heiter perform his peculiar procedure. which was kinda lame. the gore was next to nothing. and then when the human centipede was finished, i felt cheated. the garbage pail kids movie was more revolting. there's a movie with a near similar premise, crazy doctor abducts people and tortures them. it's entitle grotesque and is light years better than this.

the actors were pretty so-so, except for the japanese guy. the guy who played dr. heiter, i thought, overdid it. he was hamming it up like it was a theater play plus there was no evil behind his madness so i found his whole performance off-putting.

anyways, final words: the human centipede is more snore than gore. im sure there are plenty of people out there who'd still barf at this movie but for a better gore film experience, find and watch grotesque instead.


the good: the idea of the human centipede
the bad: dr. heiter, the actual human centipede, plotholes
the ugly: the japanese dude
the verdict: 4 glasses of water with rohypnol

dr. jaiter

Sunday, June 13, 2010

the hidden post from a moron's blog


mrs. moron's best recipe for moronity

ingredients:
.01 pound of brain
5 tons of fugly
23 gallons of bad grammar
1 pixelated blog banner
3 million tablespoons of imitation

procedure:
1. find a person who is superior in intelligence and looks (extremely easy) and mimic everything that person does but never admit it. instead, change the topic by making baseless assumptions. if all else fails, invent an insult and consider it as truth.
2. in a ginormous blender, mix .01 pound of brain and 23 gallons of bad grammar. vomit into blender. shit into blender. take the neighbor's dog and make it vomit and shit into the blender. put blender outside your house with a sign asking everybody passing by to say something nice about your son and then vomit and shit into the blender. puree. drink it and blog about something. the .01 of brain and 23 gallons of bad grammar will make sure that everything you write will be full of grammatical errors, punctuation errors, spelling errors and pointless blabber.
3. create a fan page for your son and use his name to make a term to call his forced fans. for example: if your son's name is carl, then his fans will be carlanians. because nora's fans are noranians and vilma's fans are vilmanians, so yeah, carlanians are fans of...carl.
4. showcase your incomparable photoshop skills by putting 1 pixelated banner on your blog. make your profile sound as pretentious as you can. for example: trick people into thinking that you listen to classical music but say "classic music". boast your cooking prowess by stating that you actually cook gourmets. not gourmet food, gourmet meals or gourmet cuisine, but gourmet, the noun that means a connoisseur of food and drink.
5. use 5 tons of fugly to express deep hatred for the physically gifted ones, but insist that you do not envy them and firmly believe that you are better-looking. never let yourself be called it-would-be-an-insult-to-housemaids-to-say-that-you-look-like-one assface ugly. never. because you know you look worse than that. your situation is called a "worst face scenario".