a tragic mix of magic tricks

wow. i have wanted to use that title for so long a time. anyways, magic has been a form of societal entertainment for eons. im pretty sure jesus, with his walking-on-water and multiplying bread acts, was an illusionist himself. but from those days up to houdini's time, it didnt take much to fool the audience. pull a rabbit out of a hat or make a handkerchief vanish and bricks will be shat around you. nowadays, any self-respecting magician who attempts those tricks, even on kids, has got to be a fuckin moron.

"...and voila! my left testicle."

thanks to the masked magician, the veil has been lifted from our eyes and we now know how a lot of those magic tricks were done. i dont know about you, but i really never needed him to reveal those secrets. as a kid, magic amazed me but i knew deep within myself that it's all a well-orchestrated illusion. what sets davids copperfield and blaine from the rest is execution. you can bet your asscheeks that the tricks they do are humanly impossible, but they do it so exceptionally awesome that a part of you suspends disbelief and may just accept it is real because that itsy bitsy part of you could not deduce how that exceptionally awesome illusion was done.

i saw on tv "comedian-turned-magician" bearwin meily as he prepared to perform a classic: the water escape. because of this endeavor, the media has dubbed him the pinoy houdini. i have nothing against him, i actually kept an open mind, but i knew it was bullshit and his poor execution proved it was bullshit. couldnt find a video on youtube so here's an unbiased account of the proceedings: bearwin presented the water-filled tank, which will be shrouded by curtains on all sides. audience members were asked to check the tank. he then showed the tank lid, knocking on the steel plates and said they were real. a cop gave him cuffs which put on himself and then he was restrained with chains and two padlocks. he entered the tank, the lid was placed on top and locked. as he began to hold his breath and try to struggle free, the front curtain is closed to hide what was going on. matching the beat of the background music, the curtain was raised a couple more times, for a few seconds, to show the progress of his escape until the digital clock on-screen was past the amount of time an average human could hold their breath. bearwin, of course, escapes unharmed and me, unimpressed.

i assume that this is how it was done: usually, anyone asked by a magician to check equipment is part of the act. but the tank seemed real so it would be safe to say that the checkers weren't paid. the lid, however, is immediately questionable. two of his crew held it and only he touched it. plus, it was a large, square piece of flat steel with a steel frame and, suspiciously, two parallel steel bars in the middle. why not an x or no horizontal bars at all? because the middle plate between those steel bars slides open, enough for bearwin to poke his out and breathe while the curtains are down. this water escape wasnt as dangerous as he claims it to be. kudos to him though for acting serious. anyways, the second bogus aspect of his act was chain. the handcuffs were rigged ones of course, unlocked at a button-push. the chains were real but he wore it in such a way that anybody could escape easily from it. all he had to do was puff up his chest and tense his arm and shoulder muscles while the chains were placed around him to make it look like it's really tight around him. once in the water, all he had to do was relax his body and the chains would slip free. (try it at home. puff up your chest and tense your upper body and have someone tie a string around you. then relax and you're out). the stupid thing about the chain was on one occasion that the curtains were pulled up, his arms were free and there was only one padlock remaining, making the chain a loose necklace and the padlock, the pendant. and yet, bearwin was still pretending to be having a hard time with it even though it was pretty obvious that all he had to do was pull the chain over his head. that was really fucking stupid.

so, yeah, what was hailed as a houdini-ish feat by a filipino, the first one on tv, was actually nothing but a big pile of bullcrap. what a shame. i mean, even when he had that little weekly magic show, it was very underwhelming because there was nothing new and exciting to see and i merely watched a few episodes of it just to see which tricks they've ripped off from others. and that's the thing with magic these days. so many are doing the same things that it's not really entertaining anymore. so, at this important juncture (tee-hee), i present to you some tips for magician on how to improve their acts:

do the trick in your underwear. no long=sleeved shirts, loose black pants, jackets, capes, hats or any item of clothing that are usually used to hide shit. i would have suggested doing the whole thing completely naked but that would be disgusting.

do the trick with minimal cover. every time anything cannot be seen, something is going on so do away with the large cloths, smoke bombs and the like. turn that little kitten into a tiger right before our eyes. walk through that wall unconcealed. make that car fade away in plain sight.

do the trick in broad daylight, on a clear field. no stages, no curtains, no special equipment. just you and your trick, before a real audience.

do the trick without volunteers who you obviously paid (or threatened) to pretend that they're not part of the act. this is easy in relation to doing the trick with minimal cover. you dont need people to hold hands together around you and such. just stand there and do everything yourself. if help is needed to do the trick, dont do the trick. do a trick that doesnt involve anybody else.

do the trick live but not with your own crew. no pre-recorded tv specials. call up every network and make the trick a news event. let the different camera crews shoot where and how they want. plus, no suspense countdowns or commercial breaks. when everyone's there, just say what you're going to do and immediately do it.

do the trick without props prepared beforehand. no pre-shuffled cards or gimmicked boxes. anything you need to use for the trick, you take from where you are. in fact, it would be loads better if no props would be used at all.

finally, just do the damn trick. no long stories, no jokes, no big gestures, no dancing.

"for your next training, apprentice, you will guess what i had for breakfast

by smelling my palm which i had just farted on..."

here is an example of a magical feat in accordance with the rules i have mentioned:

in broad daylight, the magician is standing half-naked in an empty lot, surrounded by a crowd of people and some news crews. the magician then announces what he will do: he will crack open his skull, take out his brain, eat it and shit it whole. then, he lies down on the ground and smashes his head with a big rock until the top part of his skull is shattered. he stands up and pulls out his brain. he breaks off a piece and eats it. he keeps doing this until he has eaten all of his brain. he then takes off his underwear, squats and shits out a whole brain. he puts it back in his head, takes the pieces of his skull and rebuilds it like a jigsaw puzzle. as a final flourish, he picks his nose and flicks a booger into the air and it turns into a dragon which he rides on to leave. applause.