the embarrassing

question: what is more humiliating than daydreaming on a mall stroll, entering the restroom, peeing in the stalls nearest to the door while wondering if the air vent above had a surveillance camera, washing your hands while pondering why there seems to be too many sinks only to realize that it is because there are no urinals and then finding out from a puzzled lady janitor that you're inside the women's restroom?

answer: so one day i decided to buy undergarments for my hot girlfriend. it wasn't a hard decision to make. the thought of her sexylicious body in the lingerie of my choice...hmm, i guess it was quite a "hard" one. but what i meant was, it came easy. okay... let us move along, shall we? the undies she already own are fine and dandy (in fact, she could wear adult diapers and she'd still be sexy). i just wanted to buy her new ones because 1) so she could sort of "wear" me; and 2) i'm a perv. so off i went to the mall and bravely entered unfamiliar territory: the ladies' underwear section. i was surrounded not only by numerous racks of straps, underwires, lace and strings but also by members of the female species in varying ages, mostly oldies, giving the lone male (me) suspicious looks, making the uncomfortable moment even more uncomfortable. but i ignored them and focused on the mission.

since i've had previous ponderings of the matter, i already had an idea of what the heart of my bottom desired. it was either something red or black or an amalgamation of both. i scoured the bra and panties jungle for a long, sweaty while. the red ones where in a shade meant for grannies and the black ones looked boring. i was nearly hopeless when i found this black combo with red ribbon thingies. and it was pretty inexpensive. i immediately called the closest sales clerk's attention and asked for the one in my love's size. i thought they came in a box but thought wrong when she handed me the goods as is and gestured to the counter. female underwear in hand, i walked to a different counter because the one she pointed had too many people at it. i placed the bunched up undergarments on the counter, slapped my money beside it and waited, itching to make like a tree and get the hell out of there at once.

but then it had been written in stardust that it was my moment for public shame. the cash register woman and her bagger buddy argued about the price tag because there was one on the bra but none on the panties. the bagger insisted that the price was for both. cash register woman didn't agree. this went on for a while and a line of shoppers began to form behind me. the two counter blockheads then chose to finally learn the truth with the least regard for discretion: they waved the underwear in the air, shouting the brand to call the attention of the sales clerks 50 yards away. sales clerks that took a while to get the message. around this time, i remembered the red undies for old ladies because i felt my face was in that color. a clerk eventually arrived to clear the non-issue (price was for both, of course) and the transaction was made. i grabbed the plastic bag and my change swiftlier than a phone snatcher. i left the scene, dodging stares. relief.

then again, it was all worth it when i laid my eyes on the goddess of all things cute and sexy wearing the goods. i don't want to go into details. let's just say that a subsequent explosion happened in my nether regions. the end.

p.s. please don't say i'm a cheap bastard. i was willing to shell out more than a thousand bucks for the victoria's secret kind of stuff but i didnt know where they sold those. help, anyone?
p.p.s. but it is entirely okay to say i am a pervert. guilty as charged.
p.p.p.s. coming soon: her birthday gift.