best-smeller

i have an announcement to make, one that i have been wanting to blog/brag about for so long but i keep feeling inadequate to do it justice. so im just gonna type it out the way i see it flashing like humongous bright neon lights inside my brain:

my girlfriend has the best-smelling breath in the world.

yes. and it's not just because she's my girlfriend and i love her immensely. this isn't a case of i've accepted it out of love or have gotten used to it or i have some nose problem. this is the real deal, folks. her breath genuinely smells like, i presume, the garden of eden just before the animals were created to poop on the whole place. i have not encountered such a sweet scent before. it's fucking olfactorygasm, baby. and i'm not even talking about the fake smell of chapstick or the way-too-familiar toothpastey odor. the freshness in her breath is natural, like she was born with it and no amount of food intake or saliva-drying idling of the tongue could ever desecrate.

i mean, face it, eating greatly affects breath. munch on garlic and your mouth will reek of garlic. drink beer and your mouth will stink of beer. and the only way to get rid of that stench is to take a breath-freshening candy or brush them teeth. but then those never work on people who have bad breath ingrained in their dna. and then on the far opposite end of the spectrum there's my orally gifted girlfriend. she brushes in the morning after breakfast, goes through her day, eats lunch and sometimes a snack mid-afternoon, no candy, brushing or mouthwashing in between, and yet when i kiss her, it's like she just chewed on a bunch of roses and then cleaned her teeth using a toothbrush with bristles made from hairs of angels. and goshdarnit, im quite embarrassed to press my lips onto hers sometimes because of it. no, i do not have bad breath, i just simply do not possess the same magical mouth she has and so i've felt like i do not deserve a taste of that heaven. i brush my teeth more often and longer now and take mouthwash like water.

the woman just never ceases to give me reason to worship her. if having foul breath is called halitosis, then my girlfriend has holytosis because the aroma of her breath is divine. perfume oughta be made out of her spit. so, i repeat, this time in rarely used uppercase because yes i am shouting:

MY GIRLFRIEND HAS THE BEST-SMELLING BREATH IN THE WORLD!