best-smeller

i have an announcement to make, one that i have been wanting to blog/brag about for so long but i keep feeling inadequate to do it justice. so im just gonna type it out the way i see it flashing like humongous bright neon lights inside my brain:

my girlfriend has the best-smelling breath in the world.

yes. and it's not just because she's my girlfriend and i love her immensely. this isn't a case of i've accepted it out of love or have gotten used to it or i have some nose problem. this is the real deal, folks. her breath genuinely smells like, i presume, the garden of eden just before the animals were created to poop on the whole place. i have not encountered such a sweet scent before. it's fucking olfactorygasm, baby. and i'm not even talking about the fake smell of chapstick or the way-too-familiar toothpastey odor. the freshness in her breath is natural, like she was born with it and no amount of food intake or saliva-drying idling of the tongue could ever desecrate.

i mean, face it, eating greatly affects breath. munch on garlic and your mouth will reek of garlic. drink beer and your mouth will stink of beer. and the only way to get rid of that stench is to take a breath-freshening candy or brush them teeth. but then those never work on people who have bad breath ingrained in their dna. and then on the far opposite end of the spectrum there's my orally gifted girlfriend. she brushes in the morning after breakfast, goes through her day, eats lunch and sometimes a snack mid-afternoon, no candy, brushing or mouthwashing in between, and yet when i kiss her, it's like she just chewed on a bunch of roses and then cleaned her teeth using a toothbrush with bristles made from hairs of angels. and goshdarnit, im quite embarrassed to press my lips onto hers sometimes because of it. no, i do not have bad breath, i just simply do not possess the same magical mouth she has and so i've felt like i do not deserve a taste of that heaven. i brush my teeth more often and longer now and take mouthwash like water.

the woman just never ceases to give me reason to worship her. if having foul breath is called halitosis, then my girlfriend has holytosis because the aroma of her breath is divine. perfume oughta be made out of her spit. so, i repeat, this time in rarely used uppercase because yes i am shouting:

MY GIRLFRIEND HAS THE BEST-SMELLING BREATH IN THE WORLD!

a swan song

the swan and the tiger

i am tiger
you are swan
we are different
but we are one

you are swan
my elegant prey
youve spread your wings
and flown away
i watch the skies all night and day
could i jump high enough
to make you stay

i am tiger
heed my roar
nature's beast son
carnivore
these stripes just dont make sense no more
tame me
like you did before

i am tiger
you are swan
we were one
but now are none

wish, mister

the birthday's coming up in a couple of weeks and the blessed blessing of a babe has coaxed me into making a wishlist. first one i ever made. i have always tried to put a list of wants and needs on my blog's sidebar but i never got past "straightjacket." that's the first thing that surfaces in my mind when im asked. i guess i just have too many and too ridiculous wishes that an unconstrained wishlist would be pointless. so, anyway, i made this list with one integral parameter: 100 peso price limit. not sure if i'm getting any of these but wishing has the same price as dreaming, right?

1. book - since i have no other form of entertainment in my new crib (other than the occasional visits from my muse), i have turned to reading again. been a while since i picked up a book and turned pages. anyways, booksale holds some rare gems under a hundred bucks. if you search enough, you could find something really profound with a 30-peso price tag. but please, no romance novels with muscled men on the covers.

2. mikmik - this is heaven in powder form. i miss the chocolatey coughing fits.

3. dvd - the growth of my dvd collection has slowed down. i remember going on a hunt and going home with a bagful. leave the cherrypicking to me, any movie will do as long as it's not made by a filipino. i dont mind getting a second copy of something i already have either. anyway, im not particularly a fan of the in-1's (still prefer the thick-cased single movies with complete features), but if there's a good one in there, sure why not?

4. cheap pizza - tastes nowhere near like the branded ones but yummy enough to satisfy.

5. globe load - i barely use my globe phone anymore so why is this here? well, globe still is the only network that has a signal anywhere so this would be for emergency purposes. and likely to thank anyone who greets me through text.

6. movie (sm batangas) - tickets are relatively cheaper in batangas than in manila. which is why i've managed to treat the whole family once or twice.

7. chicharon bituka - am i the only one who eats this?

8. beer - the thing i really wish is those old long happy hours of boozing and talking with luigi and the gang when getting dead drunk didnt matter. i don't think i'll ever get to experience that again.

9. clover chips - i think clover chips contributed to my weight gain while i was in peoplesupport. every day, on both 15-minute breaks, i'd munch on them with some hot choco on the side. every day.

10. jolly hotdog chilli cheese - haven't tried it because i usually go to jollibee for full meals. i'd take this as a snack. so, yeah, get me one.

11. striptease - exclusively for my other and better half. she knows this. i have bugged her several times. she already has the "costume" i require. all she needs to do is to show up in it, play something saxophoney and start gyrating. she virtually doesn't have to spend a single centavo, unless her routine calls for a pole.

12. massage - again, another zero-cashout gift c/o my superheroine unless the massage material isn't readily available. it doesn't matter really (oil, lotion, powder, melted chocolate) as long as it is okay to fall asleep.

13. self-made stuff - you know, the custom cards, the mixtapes, etc. probably the one i resort to the most when it comes to gift-giving, mainly because about half the time i'm with someone, i'm broke. good thing is, i'm quite creative meaing the possibilities are endless. i dont know, i just never run out of ideas to do shit like this. the recipient's smile is very rewarding. anyways, i dont think anyone has ever done something similar for me. if there was, i dont remember.

the thing is, yes, i do appreciate any kind of gift, however i cannot promise i would like it, especially if the object is something i hate in the first place. i mean, yeah, it is the thought that counts, but if someone whips me up some vegetable salad, i'd thank them, but i would not eat it because i would die. that's not as thoughtful as it sounds now, huh? so, to anyone out there planning to hand, here's your reference. not that i am actually expecting anyone to go out of their way. but just in case some good soul out there is as much of a gift-giver as i am. thank you in advance, stranger.

p.s.p is what i really want. rrrrr.
p.p.s. thank you, large hadron collider, for not destroying the universe just yet.

the embarrassing

question: what is more humiliating than daydreaming on a mall stroll, entering the restroom, peeing in the stalls nearest to the door while wondering if the air vent above had a surveillance camera, washing your hands while pondering why there seems to be too many sinks only to realize that it is because there are no urinals and then finding out from a puzzled lady janitor that you're inside the women's restroom?

answer: so one day i decided to buy undergarments for my hot girlfriend. it wasn't a hard decision to make. the thought of her sexylicious body in the lingerie of my choice...hmm, i guess it was quite a "hard" one. but what i meant was, it came easy. okay... let us move along, shall we? the undies she already own are fine and dandy (in fact, she could wear adult diapers and she'd still be sexy). i just wanted to buy her new ones because 1) so she could sort of "wear" me; and 2) i'm a perv. so off i went to the mall and bravely entered unfamiliar territory: the ladies' underwear section. i was surrounded not only by numerous racks of straps, underwires, lace and strings but also by members of the female species in varying ages, mostly oldies, giving the lone male (me) suspicious looks, making the uncomfortable moment even more uncomfortable. but i ignored them and focused on the mission.

since i've had previous ponderings of the matter, i already had an idea of what the heart of my bottom desired. it was either something red or black or an amalgamation of both. i scoured the bra and panties jungle for a long, sweaty while. the red ones where in a shade meant for grannies and the black ones looked boring. i was nearly hopeless when i found this black combo with red ribbon thingies. and it was pretty inexpensive. i immediately called the closest sales clerk's attention and asked for the one in my love's size. i thought they came in a box but thought wrong when she handed me the goods as is and gestured to the counter. female underwear in hand, i walked to a different counter because the one she pointed had too many people at it. i placed the bunched up undergarments on the counter, slapped my money beside it and waited, itching to make like a tree and get the hell out of there at once.

but then it had been written in stardust that it was my moment for public shame. the cash register woman and her bagger buddy argued about the price tag because there was one on the bra but none on the panties. the bagger insisted that the price was for both. cash register woman didn't agree. this went on for a while and a line of shoppers began to form behind me. the two counter blockheads then chose to finally learn the truth with the least regard for discretion: they waved the underwear in the air, shouting the brand to call the attention of the sales clerks 50 yards away. sales clerks that took a while to get the message. around this time, i remembered the red undies for old ladies because i felt my face was in that color. a clerk eventually arrived to clear the non-issue (price was for both, of course) and the transaction was made. i grabbed the plastic bag and my change swiftlier than a phone snatcher. i left the scene, dodging stares. relief.

then again, it was all worth it when i laid my eyes on the goddess of all things cute and sexy wearing the goods. i don't want to go into details. let's just say that a subsequent explosion happened in my nether regions. the end.

p.s. please don't say i'm a cheap bastard. i was willing to shell out more than a thousand bucks for the victoria's secret kind of stuff but i didnt know where they sold those. help, anyone?
p.p.s. but it is entirely okay to say i am a pervert. guilty as charged.
p.p.p.s. coming soon: her birthday gift.

back off, mtrcb

back off, i say. do not lay a fuckin finger on this movie.

p.s. = photoshop. [evil grin]

THE RUINS by jaiskizzy

the gist: two couples are enticed by a german dude to spend the last day of their mexican vacation gawking at the ruins of a mayan temple hidden in the jungle. as soon as they arrive at the site, they get a warm welcome from the locals: their greek companion takes an arrow to the shoulder and a bullet to the head. the terrified tourists are forced to climb the hill-like structure where a far worse enemy lurks, thirsting for their blood. dum-dum-dum!

word of advice, travellers: if you're going on a trip to a place where you've never been before and you're not familiar with the people, especially if it's jungle, do not watch this movie before the trip. really, it will murder your plans. it's been years since ive been into one, the taal volcano trek of doom, and i dont think i'd have agreed to it if i saw this movie beforehand. going off the beaten track into precarious terrain with gun-toting strangers? i'd be like, no, thanks, i'd like to keep the skin on my legs. anyways, this is a pretty fucked-up movie that'll will surely make non-outdoors people stay under their rocks and it's pretty hard to say anything about it without giving spoilers. mum's the word on the movie's antagonist...

(drumming fingers on desk) okay. so, this is kinda like hostel, foreigners experiencing the ultimate culture shock, except there's no machines or tools of gruesome death. well, there's a pulley but it's meant only to transport people in and out of the hill/temple. that place has got some nifty interiors, btw. gore fans (like me) will not be disappointed though, thanks to the leader dude who puts his med school knowledge to good, gory use. i find it a bit amusing though that this movie is basically about survival and the leader dude named jeff looked and was dressed like jeff probst, the host of survivor.

no scares, just nice tension between the characters and the proper amount of cringe-inducing gore, no celebs, except maybe for iceman who tried to disguise himself with an afro-ish haircut and beard, and also didnt use his super cool powers to defeat the enemy. there was a little t&a in the beginning, but it wasnt the cute chick with the glasses. i do think they could have made a better ending by solving the "problem" and then reveal that there's just a similar but bigger "problem" that exists a few blocks away. plus, you cant let those murderous mexicans just get away with their shit.

based on a book which i havent read, the ruins is a good little thriller sans a serial killer. not a horror movie per se, but it delivers in areas a lot of the recent fright flicks failed to. i suddenly remembered that weird scene from evil dead...

the good: tension, gore, story.
the bad: slow start.
the ugly: i squirmed when jeff made cuts to stacy's body to get the [spoiler] out.
the verdict: 7 phone rings.


the ruined.