the gist: the gay-looking god-king xerxes is bent on conquering greece. but no blood will be shed if the cities simply surrender. unfortunately, that very word does not exist in the vociferous vocabulary of leonidas, king of sparta. and so, against the pink-nippled oracle's warning, king leonidas gathers 300 of his best warriors and takes camp at a mountain pass where they face off with the hundred-thousand persian army (but not until after he'd have pre-war sex with his hot, hot wife). obviously outnumbered, the 300, under king leonidas' loud lead, stand their ground, bloody battle after bloody battle, all the while with no body armor whatsoever, relying only on their skill, spears, swords, shield and six-packs... correction, make that eight-pack abs. will this movie defy math and prove that 300 is greater than thousand? who gives a chimera's ass? fight!!!
the reaction: the first ps2 video game that i bought and played on my unit is god of war. it's about the badass spartan warrior kratos and his blood-ridden quest of revenge against ares. im now in the middle of god of war 2, stuck in a certain part due to a gitch. anyways, god of war would make an awesome ass-kickin action movie (they're actually in pre-production now), but until then, 300's your uncle. if you like plot-driven films with intricate storylines and heavy moral lessons, unforgettable moments of emotionally arousing drama, and familiar characters you could connect with and will forever hold dear in your hearts, then back up, mushypants, this movie is not for you!!! i've been hearing quite a slew of negativity regarding 300, mainly on the fact that they did not get what expected. do you know what were they expecting? something like troy. in fact, they even go as much as saying troy was better. holy shitballs! isn't it obvious that zack snyder and the gang never intended to make it look like troy or any other greek-based movies that preceded it. and i can't understand why they can't get around the idea that this was based on frank miller's graphic novel, noting how the movie didn't try to be something else, and that a movie is a movie and a comic book's a comic book. folks, when frank miller made the 300 graphic novel, he didn't see it as a comic book in his mind. he saw the scenes playing out and simply took the "frames" that delivered what he wanted and put it into paper. what zack snyder did was syphon those very scenes from frank miller's brain and gave us this movie. that's called respect for the material. 300 the movie is the 300 graphic novel brought to life.
the point of that last sentence is immediately apparent on the film's overall look. it's colored to match the graphic novel. that's why it's mostly sepia-ish and grainy, and why red (capes and blood) stands out. i like the red capes by the way. they sort of look like an army of supermen. anyways, it should be stressed that this movie was made to look cool, to entertain, and even though it is based on real events, it was made unreal in purpose. because, again, you are "watching" a comic book. which is brimming with arrogance. but it aint just plain air. the brags that leonidas roars out of his hairy mouth are never empty promises. to put it simply, leonidas walks the talk. and when he does that pre-attack pep talk to his men (with accompanying look back shot), it's encouraging, you feel like you just can't let the dude down. and the good choice of scoring it with some heavy metal music just puts you more into a beat-the-living-shit-out-of-your-enemies mood. wave after wave of various opponents, the spartans proved their mettle replete with in-your-face stabbings, limb-slicings, and beheadings, (as opposed to the usual fast cuts cheat crap we've been seeing in recent action films), all in spectacular video game-like fashion. heck, there's even a nice boss battle throw in. there's this one cool sequence involving a rhino which just shows how fearless these guys are. and of course, i must mention the cool slow-mo, fast-mo sex scene between leonidas and gorgo which is unlike any film fucking you've ever seen. even upto now, i can't get it out of my head.
i found myself shouting "prepare for glory" and "tonight we dine in hell" several times for a few days after watching this. it just sticks to you. i am proud to be a man, thanks to the eyegasm that is 300. a true fanboy flick that no doubt will become a cult classic.
the good: the visuals, the fights, the arrogance.
the bad: not enough female nudity to counterbalance the male nudity which one reviewer referred to as "dude-ity".
the ugly: a tie between the lucky ephor dude who licked the oracle, and xerxes.
the verdict: 10 red capes.
skizzius maximus
Sunday, March 25, 2007
boulevard of broken screams
last week i hit rock bottom. been a long time since ive become so depressed like that. the difference though is that this time around, i was mature enough to prevent myself from hurting... uh, myself. all i wanted was to be alone. i just felt like i didn't belong, that i was invisible, irrelevant. i read a quote somewhere that went like, lonely is the person who is no one's number 1, and i felt that that was me. that nobody ever goes to the mall, unintentionally sees something on display and thinks i might like it. that if i'm not present in a gathering, nobody notices i'm not there. that when it comes to choosing between me and someone else, i'm the disposable one. pay particular attention to that last one, me being the one who is easy to let go. i asked why and i was told that it's because i would understand. because im the good guy, the nice one, the one who would understand. god damn that. so i thought, maybe i should try being bad, a jerk, a complete asshole. will i get the respect i want? nope, because they then would say, that's not who i am. that i'm acting out of character. (i just realized im not making any sense and have no idea where im going with this so fuck this crap. im sure you've had enough of that so let's get on with the talkbacks. as always, thanks for coming here and typing some.)
bloodboard:
reyna juana: you may drop by anytime you please, your highness. got a princess that needs a prince harming?
jarvik: hey, it was a delight to bump into you again. me? im not doing as well as i wish i was. think you can help me fix me?
katia: here you go, dear katia. an update. how have you been?
comments:
cheska: no love or life to enjoy. it's all bummer for now. thanks for that nice comment though.
guile: and you're welcome to lounge around anytime.
red_pl8: you are too nice. i owe you a pizza. and yeah, ive always been the live by the day kind of guy. it's just that im going through some internal war and no one's helping.
i feel like im going to be sick. weak calves, heavy chest, temporary loss of balance. yep, my tell-tale signs that a fever's on the way. not unless my antibodies fight it off again. please, take a day off, guys, and let me get sick. and i mean really, really sick that i'd have to stay in the hospital for a week. taken care of by a hot nurse. darn, i don't want to go to work tomorrow. i wanna stay at home and play guitar hero on my ps2. anyways, cooked up a couple of movie reviews if you care reading them: one has mutation (the host), the other has decapitation (300). okie doke, that's it for today, dudes. always be excellent to each other.
the gospel according to jaiskizzy. praise be to tarantino.
p.s. the seemingly unrelated picture above is of misa from death note, played by the phenomenal erika toda. be mine, real-life anime girl.
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
THE HOST by jaiskizzy
the gist: toxic chemicals + han river = malevolent mutant monster! it's a fine sunny day in seoul and a bunch of people are happily speding the rest of their ordinary lives on the banks of the han river. probably disgusted by this humdrum moment, a humongous mutated tadpole shows up to stir things up a bit. after trashing the place and scaring the bejeezus out of the koreans, it leaves as fast as it came, taking a little girl with it. the girl's grandpa, dad, uncle and aunt then goes on a mission to rescue her from the icky clutches of the amphibian beast. will they be able to find her? will the monster be stopped? will smith? (no, he's not in the movie)
the reaction: allow me to dig up yet another childhood memory that somewhat relates to this review. i remember when i was a kid, i watched a pinoy horror movie about a giant crocodile in a rural setting. i cant recall anything else about it but im pretty sure it was crap. end of childhood memory. anyways, when i first heard of the host last year, i thought it was about a game show where contestants are killed by the main mic guy. but it wasn't (but wouldn't that have been a cool horror fick too, eh?) so, why is this entitled the host? well, apparently, the beast also carries a virus and anyone who comes in contact with it and survives will carry it as well and eventually pass it on and cause an epidemic. this subplot is well weaved into the main storyline, which is of course about the monster. no, wait, this movie is actually about family, and the monster is an extra. really. it's good since it's a take off from the usual monster movies where we're teased by glimpses of the monster for three quarters of the film. of course, this trick works because then we go down on our knees when the monster is revealed in its entirety, but joon-ho bong decided to go the other way. the mutant tadpole appears very early in broad daylight and we see it in full, with no gimmicks, just as it probably would happen in real life. another great feature is how the monster never really gets all the attention. like i said, this is more of a family movie and the monster merely part of the supporting cast. an example of this is when the little girl is snatched. the girl is in the foreground, the monster is in the back. focus on the girl, blur on the monster as it gallops towards her. but, no, it veers and goes off screen, and as if just an afterthought, it takes the girl with its tail and pulls her off screen. whoa.
awesome, awesome acting by the dumb father with the colored-hair and little girl. our actors just dont have the juice that these korean actors have. ive seen a number of korean flicks and man, they're just remarkable. they don't just act role, they become it. even that little boy that the girl meets in the beast's lair was freakin amazing, especially in the scene where he peed his pants. i have many favorite scenes, one is that tracking shot where the dad is in the foreground running, chasing after the monster in the background. i also liked the office building sequence with the drunkard uncle. and the scenes in the quarantine camp. fuck, who am i kidding? i like everything! and that giant tadpole thing. amazing. you'd almost believe it wasn't cgi. and it's not just the monster itself, but how it interacts with the real world. if you've ever seen anything pinoy-made that had something cgi jump into the water, you'd see how fake the splash is. none of that here, folks. simply seamless special effects. and the ending, although a little bit farfectched, is pure genius. id ruin it if i told you how it went, but i'll give a hint: big sister losing the archery competition. oh and by the way, this movie is partly a comedy, too.
a must-see mutant monster movie most likely you'd like like i did. i just wish that hollywood sees this as a challenge to come up with a better one, and not push through with the planned remake. out of ideas, guys? well, you should ring me up 'cause ive got plenty.
the good: the movie.
the bad: the idea of a remake.
the ugly: that giant mutant tadpole monster thing.
the verdict: 10 molotov cocktails.
bloodzilla.
p.s. in the 1st asian film awards, the host bagged four: best actor, best cinematography, best special effects, and (no surprise here) best film. bravo!
the reaction: allow me to dig up yet another childhood memory that somewhat relates to this review. i remember when i was a kid, i watched a pinoy horror movie about a giant crocodile in a rural setting. i cant recall anything else about it but im pretty sure it was crap. end of childhood memory. anyways, when i first heard of the host last year, i thought it was about a game show where contestants are killed by the main mic guy. but it wasn't (but wouldn't that have been a cool horror fick too, eh?) so, why is this entitled the host? well, apparently, the beast also carries a virus and anyone who comes in contact with it and survives will carry it as well and eventually pass it on and cause an epidemic. this subplot is well weaved into the main storyline, which is of course about the monster. no, wait, this movie is actually about family, and the monster is an extra. really. it's good since it's a take off from the usual monster movies where we're teased by glimpses of the monster for three quarters of the film. of course, this trick works because then we go down on our knees when the monster is revealed in its entirety, but joon-ho bong decided to go the other way. the mutant tadpole appears very early in broad daylight and we see it in full, with no gimmicks, just as it probably would happen in real life. another great feature is how the monster never really gets all the attention. like i said, this is more of a family movie and the monster merely part of the supporting cast. an example of this is when the little girl is snatched. the girl is in the foreground, the monster is in the back. focus on the girl, blur on the monster as it gallops towards her. but, no, it veers and goes off screen, and as if just an afterthought, it takes the girl with its tail and pulls her off screen. whoa.
awesome, awesome acting by the dumb father with the colored-hair and little girl. our actors just dont have the juice that these korean actors have. ive seen a number of korean flicks and man, they're just remarkable. they don't just act role, they become it. even that little boy that the girl meets in the beast's lair was freakin amazing, especially in the scene where he peed his pants. i have many favorite scenes, one is that tracking shot where the dad is in the foreground running, chasing after the monster in the background. i also liked the office building sequence with the drunkard uncle. and the scenes in the quarantine camp. fuck, who am i kidding? i like everything! and that giant tadpole thing. amazing. you'd almost believe it wasn't cgi. and it's not just the monster itself, but how it interacts with the real world. if you've ever seen anything pinoy-made that had something cgi jump into the water, you'd see how fake the splash is. none of that here, folks. simply seamless special effects. and the ending, although a little bit farfectched, is pure genius. id ruin it if i told you how it went, but i'll give a hint: big sister losing the archery competition. oh and by the way, this movie is partly a comedy, too.
a must-see mutant monster movie most likely you'd like like i did. i just wish that hollywood sees this as a challenge to come up with a better one, and not push through with the planned remake. out of ideas, guys? well, you should ring me up 'cause ive got plenty.
the good: the movie.
the bad: the idea of a remake.
the ugly: that giant mutant tadpole monster thing.
the verdict: 10 molotov cocktails.
bloodzilla.
p.s. in the 1st asian film awards, the host bagged four: best actor, best cinematography, best special effects, and (no surprise here) best film. bravo!
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
a trip down lemery lane
what: t&c editors and batch18's weekend getaway
where: batangas
when: march 3 to march 5, 2007
who: the skiz (host), dindo (drinker), paul (driver), arnie (laugher) , brian (gay), josh (gayer), jakeson (undecided), mj (lesbian), tintin (cute), glenna (sexy), and maika (goddess).
why: why not?
saturday
900pm: my shift ends. activate gimik mode. i am sad 'cause shaila ain't coming despite persistent invitations. we need to wait for brian who'll be out at 11:00. we decide to kill time by going to germaine's for acouple several rounds of drinks.
930pm: i'm peeling off the beer bottle label. we laugh at the band keyboardist whose previous profession probably involved gyrating of the hips. they sing "i hate myself for loving you" byjoan jett aegis.
1015pm: mike, tintin, sox and maika arrive. i like maika. she is hot. ive been chatting with her under the radar ever since i met her on a one-day sked swap with noly. anyways, tintin will be coming with us to the beach but not maika. i make the most of my time by staring at her naturally red lips.
1100pm: the gang is complete. after some negotiations, we kidnap maika. my heart backflips.
sunday
100am: paul is driving real slow because the van is packed and heavy. after exiting star tollway, we all agree for a stopover. we pull up to kwatog's for tapsilog but there is an altercation among alcoholized assholes going on, so we u-turned and opted for chowking and 7-11 instead.
200am: we arrive at our house. i take them up to my room which they instantly convert into a casino. one el hombre tequila bottle is then opened and tintin slices the lemons with my handy-dandy swiss knife. i find out that this brand of tequila taste good, but it does not make me drunk, as opposed to what my gma friends once told me.
430am: with both my beds filled up, i offer tintin and maika my youngest sister's room. i take maika downstairs, show her yayie's room where we talk for about half an hour. i so want to kiss her lips. i don't. i leave her so she can change clothes and i return upstairs to help empty the tequila bottle. a sleeping mj makes us all laugh.
700am: i drop off arnie, dindo and glenna at the church, while jakeson and i go to the market. i have zero skill in market purchasing and cooking, so jakeson takes over. an hour later, the mass ends. i think, should i wake maika up with a rose on the bed? nah, too soon. dindo spots a babe who seems to be of legal age but is actually yayie's classmate.
900am: we leave. i nap through most of the journey to lemery. paul wakes me up when he is unsure of directions.
1130am: we take the first resort that has a pool as well. we rent a one-room cottage. maika has wonderful legs. before getting ourselves wet and our slippers sandy, i feed them the delicious "pulang pansit". still a hit.
1200pm: i forgot to state that maika is into sports. if i am fuckin lucky and she does become mine, she would be the first girl i'll be involved with that actually plays ball games and goes to the gym. anyways, maika is ecstatic at the sight of a volleyball net on the shore. we pay up 100 bucks to use it + the ball for 3 hours. i do not want to, but i have to, so i play just to be with her. the only thing i'm good at in volleyball is serving. everything else, i make a fool of myself. then, we go for a dip in the sea, or in our case the "ocean" (pronounced phonetically and coñotically).
300pm: jakeson prepares grilled squid and pork chops for us. maika, arnie and paul play tong-its again. el hombre bottle number 2 is uncapped. maika's eyes meet mine for a millisecond. shaila who?
430pm: my back hurts because i just performed a nestea splash-inspired back flop on the pool from the diving ledge.
500pm: we prepare to go home. we hop back into paul's van.
630pm: dinner is served. maika and tintin bathed so i let the rest eat first, and waited for those two so i could eat withmaika them. after the meal, maika denied my invitation to stay for one more night and left with the gang. arnie and dindo decided to keep me company for one more night.
1100pm: el hombre number 3 is opened. arnie gives me maika's number. i run out of load texting her.
monday
200am: dindo and i cant sleep. we get up and make sure el hombre number 3 is empty. we almost argue over something i shouldn't have done and something he shouldnt have done. the tequila settles it for us.
11am: we wake up, bathe, and head for sm batangas. heart looks sexy on that new penshoppe store display. dindo learns a batangueño word: "barik". i think i'm gonna save a few bucks to maika a puppy.
200pm: i drop off arnie and dindo at the bus station.
1000pm: just as i'm about to finish this post, maika's online and we chat. i will buy her chocolates tomorrow.
the gospel according to the skiz. praise be to kurosawa.
p.s. apologies if some of the things i typed up there dont make sense. they would if you were there. also, sorry for the lack of visual aids. i didn't take any pictures. but glenna did. i'll get copies and i'll post some here, and try to put some nice captions as well.
p.p.s. shaila who? just kidding. i thought you might be wondering about that, like, who's this maika? what happened to shaila? well, i still have shaila in my heart. i'm just so confused right now...
where: batangas
when: march 3 to march 5, 2007
who: the skiz (host), dindo (drinker), paul (driver), arnie (laugher) , brian (gay), josh (gayer), jakeson (undecided), mj (lesbian), tintin (cute), glenna (sexy), and maika (goddess).
why: why not?
saturday
900pm: my shift ends. activate gimik mode. i am sad 'cause shaila ain't coming despite persistent invitations. we need to wait for brian who'll be out at 11:00. we decide to kill time by going to germaine's for a
930pm: i'm peeling off the beer bottle label. we laugh at the band keyboardist whose previous profession probably involved gyrating of the hips. they sing "i hate myself for loving you" by
1015pm: mike, tintin, sox and maika arrive. i like maika. she is hot. ive been chatting with her under the radar ever since i met her on a one-day sked swap with noly. anyways, tintin will be coming with us to the beach but not maika. i make the most of my time by staring at her naturally red lips.
1100pm: the gang is complete. after some negotiations, we kidnap maika. my heart backflips.
sunday
100am: paul is driving real slow because the van is packed and heavy. after exiting star tollway, we all agree for a stopover. we pull up to kwatog's for tapsilog but there is an altercation among alcoholized assholes going on, so we u-turned and opted for chowking and 7-11 instead.
200am: we arrive at our house. i take them up to my room which they instantly convert into a casino. one el hombre tequila bottle is then opened and tintin slices the lemons with my handy-dandy swiss knife. i find out that this brand of tequila taste good, but it does not make me drunk, as opposed to what my gma friends once told me.
430am: with both my beds filled up, i offer tintin and maika my youngest sister's room. i take maika downstairs, show her yayie's room where we talk for about half an hour. i so want to kiss her lips. i don't. i leave her so she can change clothes and i return upstairs to help empty the tequila bottle. a sleeping mj makes us all laugh.
700am: i drop off arnie, dindo and glenna at the church, while jakeson and i go to the market. i have zero skill in market purchasing and cooking, so jakeson takes over. an hour later, the mass ends. i think, should i wake maika up with a rose on the bed? nah, too soon. dindo spots a babe who seems to be of legal age but is actually yayie's classmate.
900am: we leave. i nap through most of the journey to lemery. paul wakes me up when he is unsure of directions.
1130am: we take the first resort that has a pool as well. we rent a one-room cottage. maika has wonderful legs. before getting ourselves wet and our slippers sandy, i feed them the delicious "pulang pansit". still a hit.
1200pm: i forgot to state that maika is into sports. if i am fuckin lucky and she does become mine, she would be the first girl i'll be involved with that actually plays ball games and goes to the gym. anyways, maika is ecstatic at the sight of a volleyball net on the shore. we pay up 100 bucks to use it + the ball for 3 hours. i do not want to, but i have to, so i play just to be with her. the only thing i'm good at in volleyball is serving. everything else, i make a fool of myself. then, we go for a dip in the sea, or in our case the "ocean" (pronounced phonetically and coñotically).
300pm: jakeson prepares grilled squid and pork chops for us. maika, arnie and paul play tong-its again. el hombre bottle number 2 is uncapped. maika's eyes meet mine for a millisecond. shaila who?
430pm: my back hurts because i just performed a nestea splash-inspired back flop on the pool from the diving ledge.
500pm: we prepare to go home. we hop back into paul's van.
630pm: dinner is served. maika and tintin bathed so i let the rest eat first, and waited for those two so i could eat with
1100pm: el hombre number 3 is opened. arnie gives me maika's number. i run out of load texting her.
monday
200am: dindo and i cant sleep. we get up and make sure el hombre number 3 is empty. we almost argue over something i shouldn't have done and something he shouldnt have done. the tequila settles it for us.
11am: we wake up, bathe, and head for sm batangas. heart looks sexy on that new penshoppe store display. dindo learns a batangueño word: "barik". i think i'm gonna save a few bucks to maika a puppy.
200pm: i drop off arnie and dindo at the bus station.
1000pm: just as i'm about to finish this post, maika's online and we chat. i will buy her chocolates tomorrow.
the gospel according to the skiz. praise be to kurosawa.
p.s. apologies if some of the things i typed up there dont make sense. they would if you were there. also, sorry for the lack of visual aids. i didn't take any pictures. but glenna did. i'll get copies and i'll post some here, and try to put some nice captions as well.
p.p.s. shaila who? just kidding. i thought you might be wondering about that, like, who's this maika? what happened to shaila? well, i still have shaila in my heart. i'm just so confused right now...
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