DETROIT METAL CITY by jaiskizzy

the gist: a wussy wimpy country boy leaves home to go to tokyo to (too many to's?) fulfill his dream of becoming a "fashionable musician" but busking with his acoustic guitar and his sissy songs gets him nowhere past having a street dog as a fan. however, he is, in fact, secretly and reluctantly, johannes krauser ii, the made-up lead vocalist/guitarist of detroit metal city, an independent death metal band that is fast becoming the biggest act in japan, with hordes of fans believing he is indeed a demon from hell who raped and killed his parents. and so... will negishi ever get to embrace his pop dream and lose his virginity to that chick with cute underwear?

the reaction: so you'd know where im coming from, ive never read the manga or watched the anime. im sure they're great (most manga that become anime then become live action are exceptionally good anyways) but my kudos descend upon the movie and the people involved in it. the japanese have yet to crappify my eyes. detroit metal city is breathlessly fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfucking awesome. from the great story mirroring the dichotomy of life to the songs that actually sounded like the real deal, there's no denying that the cast and crew sacrificed their blood and soul to get the movie off the ground and go sky high. exaggeration but hyperboles aren't uncalled for when talking about movies like this. it's very entertaining and it made me laugh many times. there was a movie called detroit rock city, also the title of a kiss song, about a kiss cover band trying to get into a kiss concert. now, there's detroit metal city and they even bagged gene simmons (the dude with the long tongue in kiss) to play jack il dark! how cool is that?!

the humongous round of devil horns raised way up in the air goes to kenichi whatshisname. after doing the mysterious coolness that is L in death note, he does an acting 180 as the stupid-looking, soft-mannered, almost gay negishi. seriously, this guy has some balls to accept such a role where he would have to make an ass of himself, singing with his knees stuck together, running like a girl, not to mention wearing that horrendous haircut. sure he gets to portray the death metal demon krauser but negishi is something a normal actor would probably regret including in his resume. unlike death note's raito yagami who was also shuya in battle royale, the actor playing him looks and feels pretty much the same. here, there is literally no sign of L in kenichi. and even though ive seen pics and clips of the movie before watching, i never even realized that he was both negishi and krauser. now that is talent. no pretty boy pinoy actor can disappear in roles like that. plus, he did his own singing for both characters, which required two separate voice actors for the anime. take that, retard gutierrez!

if you love metal, if you love japanese films, heck if you just watch for ideas on your next cosplay, give this movie a chance and detroit metal city will melt your face. if not, you should form a band with your tambourine and call it tetrapot melon tea. as for kenichi somethingsomething, kamui gaiden is up next. yes, sir.


the good: that L guy. his dual performance carries the whole film
the bad: the slightly ridiculous ending. metal buffalo?!
the ugly: penis haircut.
the verdict: 8 chocorape cakes!


jai il dork

or

destroyed mental skizzy.

WATCHMEN by jaiskizzy

the gist: in alternate 80s america, where once-heralded costumed crimefighters have been outlawed by the government and a globally destructive nuclear war with russia is imminent, a retired superhero known as the comedian is found dead on the street more than a hundred feet below his high-rise apartment, killed by gravity. a former teammate, rorschach, embarks on his own investigation to find the murderer who seems to be particularly offing masked members of the society. old friends are reunited, memories are remembered and walls are repainted (with blood) as the doomsday clock ticks closer to the end of the world.

the review: fuck the long intros. i'll do my best to make this short and quick because the less is said, the better. i liked the movie. given that the graphic novel has been deemed unfilmable for so long and the weird and cool alan moore refuses credit for any adaptation, zack snyder has done quite an achievement. and not only by squeezing a 12-chapter story into a 3-hour movie. you see, there's a dvd out there where they animated the comic book panels and turned it into sort of an audiobooky (because one guy does all the voices, even the female characters) cartoon, reminiscent of the old marvel superhero 2d shows. compared to that, with real actors and actual sets, zack snyder's film is a couple of steps ahead in awesomeness.

yes, the paper version is still way better but the celluloid translation turns it into an entirely new experience. you now hear the voices that uttered those great lines, especially dr. manhattan's which was totally unexpected. (you'd think he would have the mighty otherworldly voice of james earl jones with a sore throat on volume 11 plus extra echo and not mild and boring like my history teacher's in high school. but it works amazingly.) you see them break through the frozen panels and move, sometimes in slow-mo, the constantly morphing inkblot on rorschach's mask alone, the origin of which didnt make it past the cutting room floor, was mesmerizing. i like how the costumes were almost exactly the same, down to the minutemen despite not having that much screen time. i smiled when silk spectre 2's costume was unzipped, not because she was about to get naked, but because it had a zipper, something we rarely see in superhero movies. that zipper contributed to grounding the whole thing in reality.

i never thought that stillwater's lead guitarist would pass off as a god with blue skin who doesn't really give a shit about humans and would effectively portray how the seemingly emotionless character eventually learns to (there is a real smiley face crater in mars btw). but the invisible badass acting award goes to jackie earle haley, the masturbating date in little children. this guy is great. unlike doc, his vocal characterization of rorschach is exactly the way i imagined it in my head. the two moments he screams like a madman were very powerful. perfect segue to my main gripe at the movie: the other actors didnt really do much and acted like they were still two-dimensional drawings. anyways, having read the graphic novel before watching the movie isn't a requirement. it doesn't even assure one would enjoy the film more. if you're the kind of moviegoer who just sits there depending on visuals, expecting rollercoaster ride-type of action, you will be heavily disappointed. watchmen is character-driven and story-driven and, for lack of a better symbolism, it is the kind of film that my father sleeps on. i think my father would be snoring on the theater seat around the time the bob dylan-sung opening credits is over and rorschach begins talking to himself.

though this review is probably a couple of paragraphs short of being a novel itself, there is still so much to be said about the film, a lot of which is open for debate between those who have read the graphic novel and the poor people who havent. it is not the greatest comic book movie ever made (tdk, imho), but it is a feat of filmmaking nonetheless. the movie has brains and balls. i will watch watchmen again.

the good: faithfulness to source material, necessary changes
the bad: bland acting
the ugly: too many cocks.
the verdict: 9 blood-stained smiley face pins


watchamacallboy.

.02-peso legal advice

i think that when an accused has been given the guilty verdict, their lawyer should suffer the same sentence. whether it's life imprisonment or death, throw the lawyer in with them. the idea is, if a lawyer defends an innocent client and loses the case, he should pay for his incompetence. if he/she defends a guilty client and loses the case, he should be punished for defending someone guilty. so, the guilt and innocence of the defendant is irrelevant. the lawyer oughta get what he deserves either way.

but that's just me.

p.s. my julietjellybeanbaby read this and pointed out that if this ever pushes through, no one would want to become lawyers anymore. actually, i think my concept should be seen as a challenge for the lawyers but for fairness sake, lawyers who win their cases should be rewarded with the luxurious possessions of the defeated, i.e. sports car, house, money, mistresses.
p.p.s. she loves me.

the last chat

Yahweh! Messenger 7
waterwalker1225 - status message: let he who is not stoned cast the first sin.
Show Recent Messages (F3)
waterwalker1225: BUZZ!
waterwalker1225: hey bro. wassup?!
waterwalker1225: hello…
waterwalker1225: i know you’re there, judas. speak up, invisible man.
waterwalker1225: BUZZ!
waterwalker1225: BUZZ!
waterwalker1225: BUZZ!
waterwalker1225: oh, come on, bro. arent you gonna talk to me ever again?
iscariot.judas: fuck off, jesus.
waterwalker1225: there you are! what’s the haps, old friend, old buddy, old pal?
iscariot.judas: you do know that i am pissed off at you, dont you?
waterwalker1225: yeah, well. sorry about that, bro.
iscariot.judas: sorry my ass.
waterwalker1225: come on, jude-dude. it was just a little improv, you know, to make things more believable.
iscariot.judas: well, congratulations, asshole, nobody trusts me now. fuck.
waterwalker1225: i said i was sorry.
iscariot.judas: oh, fuck you. what’s your sorry gonna do now, huh? you’ve humiliated me beyond repair, man.
waterwalker1225: IM SORRY IM SORRY IM SORRY IM SORRY IM SORRY IM SORRYIM SORRY IM SORRY IM SORRY
iscariot.judas: just forget the whole thing, jc. im out.
waterwalker1225: no, no, please, dont do this, bro. we had a plan. i cant do it without you.
iscariot.judas: well, go find someone else to be your traitor. i cant do it, man. fuck, even the hookers dont trust me.
waterwalker1225: listen to me, bro. im really sorry for what i said during the last supper. im sorry if i’ve embarrassed you in front of our homies. but please understand that we gotta do this together. we’ve been planning this from day one. you cant just leave me like that. what about all the things i did for you? i’ve always been there for you!
iscariot.judas: …
waterwalker1225: im crying, judas.
iscariot.judas: wtf. get a hold of yourself, man. jesus.
waterwalker1225: yes?
iscariot.judas: what?
waterwalker1225: huh?
iscariot.judas: dammit. are you really crying?
waterwalker1225: yeah…
iscariot.judas: ok. dont cry. stop crying. i hate it when you cry. you know that shit is my weakness.
waterwalker1225: ok…
waterwalker1225: im really sorry.
iscariot.judas: i know. it’s just, i really didnt expect you’d do that, man. we never talked about anything like that.
waterwalker1225: im sorry. please forgive me. i’d do anything.
iscariot.judas: i forgive you, jc. you don’t have to do anything.
waterwalker1225: really?
iscariot.judas: really.
iscariot.judas: wait. on second thought, i sure need your help in getting some pussy, man. seriously, my balls fucking hurt.
waterwalker1225: lols.
iscariot.judas: could you like put a good word out on some of magdalene’s friends for me? sure could use a threesome before my appointment with those priests.
waterwalker1225: consider it done, bro. texting her right now.
iscariot.judas: thanks.
waterwalker1225: so, we’re ok now?
iscariot.judas: yep.
waterwalker1225: yay! thank you, bro. im so happy could kiss you.
iscariot.judas: you are such a fag, jc.
waterwalker1225: no. you are.
iscariot.judas: no. you are.
waterwalker1225: no. you are. remember the plan? you’re supposed to kiss me.
iscariot.judas: oh, yeah. shit. can’t i suggest to them that i’ll just pat your back or pinch your nose or something?
waterwalker1225: nope. you have to kiss me.
waterwalker1225: on the lips.
iscariot.judas: on the lips?! no way!
waterwalker1225: lols. gotcha. of course not. just on the cheek man. eww on the lips.
iscariot.judas: double eww.
iscariot.judas has signed out. (30AD)
waterwalker1225: oh.
iscariot.judas has signed back in.
waterwalker1225: wb.
iscariot.judas: sorry, man. got dc’ed.
iscariot.judas: this happens from time to time.
iscariot.judas: think it’s my isp? or the router?
waterwalker1225: could be a virus. you should do a scan.
iscariot.judas: yeah. thaddeus probably infected my system with his flash drive when he copied my porn the other day.
waterwalker1225: hey, maggie just replied. she said she’ll send two of her newest over.
iscariot.judas: awesome.
iscariot.judas: so, i probably should take a bath now ’cause them bitches’ll be here any minute.
waterwalker1225: no rush, bro. they’re just gonna walk. camels are in the pound. illegal parking.
iscariot.judas: hey, jc, one other thing. about the noose, are you sure it’s safe?
waterwalker1225: sure as manure, as long as you put the harness on properly.
iscariot.judas: right. how long should i stay there?
waterwalker1225: until someone sees you and runs away for help. then come down and head to rendezvous point. i’ll be there.
waterwalker1225: hmmm. what else…
waterwalker1225: shit. hold on.
waterwalker1225: gotta confirm the fake nails.
waterwalker1225: brb
iscariot.judas: ok.
waterwalker1225: back.
waterwalker1225: what about the cloth lady, what’s her name?
iscariot.judas: veronica.
waterwalker1225: yeah, her. she good to go?
iscariot.judas: aye.
waterwalker1225: great. i am so excited, jude-dude. this is going to be awesome!
iscariot.judas: easy for you to say. you’ll probably be remembered as a hero while i’ll go down in history as the bastard who betrayed you.
waterwalker1225: which is a very important role, bro. without your betrayal, i will not be arrested and crucified.
iscariot.judas: please. we both know that’s not how it’s gonna be. john and his fellow bloggers are gonna have a fuckin feast with their shit and everyone will see me as the villain.
waterwalker1225: you may be a villain to them, judas, but to me, you are the hero.
iscariot.judas: aawww. thanks, jc.
waterwalker1225: i love you, bro!
iscariot.judas: jc…
iscariot.judas: you
iscariot.judas: are
iscariot.judas: such
iscariot.judas: a
iscariot.judas: FAG.

short story: Machina Ex Deus

It was a fine Wednesday morning and exactly three seconds after Barry Thodol sat down for breakfast and put his coffee mug on the smiley face coaster, the doorbell rang. The sound startled him for he could not even remember the last time he heard it. As silent as he could, he stood up and walked towards the front door. Before he could ask who it was, the doorbell rang again and Barry was almost knocked off his feet. He opened the door and saw two policemen standing there with their arms folded across their chests and wearing sunglasses.

With only his lips moving, the one on the left said: "Are you Barry Thodol?"

"Yes," Barry replied.

The one on the right suddenly held a sheet of paper in front of his face. "Did you write this short story?"

Barry looked at it. It was a printout of the short story he wrote and posted on an online community yesterday. He had given it the title Ampersands, which had absolutely nothing to do with the plot. The story was about a boy who had an irrational fear of beards and the invasion of humanoid aliens who have the longest beards in the universe. "Yes."

"You're coming with us." The policeman on the left said and brandished a pair of handcuffs.

Twenty minutes later, he was being escorted into court. It was a good thing that he was already dressed for work and it would have been quite embarrassing if he went on trial wearing pajamas. But the courtroom turned out to be very different from what Barry expected. It was small with no seats for anybody else but the judge. The policemen guided him in front of the bench, uncuffed him and left the room. The chair behind the raised desk spun around and the judge revealed himself. The judge was old and bald and wrinkly with long white nosehairs. And he was wearing pajamas.

"Do you know why you are here?" asked the judge whose name Fred Frederick was according to his nameplate.

"Nope," Barry said.

Judge Frederick yawned. "But you do know that it is against the law to write a story without a twist ending?"

"Yes," Barry said.

"That is why you are here. You have violated section 2-21b of the Literary Law."

Barry scratched his head. The judge began pounding the gavel. "There will be no head scratching in my court," screamed the judge.

"Sorry," Barry said.

"You wrote a short story entitled Ampersands which is about a beard-fearing young man who becomes the world's hero against an invasion of bearded aliens. The last two paragraphs detail how Popo, your protagonist, defeated the invaders and escaped the exploding mothership without a scratch on his skin. Am I correct?"

"Yes."

"That is not a twist ending."

Barry thought real hard and deep why Judge Frederick said so. He was about to speak again but the judge interrupted him.

"Popo, despite his phobia, managed to infiltrate the alien mothership, free the captured humans and kill hordes of alien warriors with beards. I think the proper twist ending would be his unexpected death after surviving through all those obstacles."

A moment of silence passed. Barry opened his mouth but the judge interrupted him again.

"Or he was an alien himself."

Nodding with a smile, Barry realized that that was actually a better ending. He later realized that he had been nodding with a smile for too long because Judge Frederick started tapping the desk with his fingers. "Well, Mr. Thodol?"

Barry took a deep breath and said: "Your Honor, in my line of work, I deal with people dying every day. Yesterday, I was so bored. I went home early to sleep so I could spend the night awake having fun in some bar. But the instant I lied down on the bed, the idea for the story popped into my head. It wouldn't let go and I couldn't sleep. So, I got up, went to my laptop and just began typing my idea away. As I have mentioned, death is an everyday thing to me and so, as my twist ending, I made my character live. That is my defense, Your Honor."

Frowning, the judge asked: "What line of work are you talking about?"

Barry moved his hand to scratch his head but then remembered the judge's warning. "Um...Population control."

"Oh," Judge Fredrick said. "Very well. The short story will be granted public viewing as long as you change the ending. You will be fined $100, payable now or else you'd spend a day in jail. Case dismissed."

Fortunately, Barry had exactly $100 in his wallet. Unfortunately, it meant he had to walk 6 miles to get to his office building. He was late for two hours. It was the first time anyone in the office came in late and instead of the computer screen, all eyes were on him when he entered. He reached his workstation with relief. He turned on his computer and loaded the company software. He ignored the queue of emails on his inbox. On the Name field textbox, he typed in Fred Frederick and on the Occupation field, judge. He clicked Submit. Judge Fred Frederick's profile came up. Barry clicked on the Detailed Cause of Death button and on the corresponding textbox he typed:

Judge Fred Frederick dies of a heart attack while pooping.

Barry pressed enter. He then proceeded to do his work routine: open an email, copy-paste the name to the company software and input how that person would die.

Six miles away, Judge Fred Frederick died of a heart attack while pooping.

HOW TO LOSE FRIENDS AND ALIENATE PEOPLE by jaiskizzy

the gist: shaun from shaun of the dead is now a british magazine editor who gets kicked out of celebrity parties a lot. the dude suddenly calls him up and hires him to be a writer for sharps, a better established publication based in new york. he penetrates america, the magazine, the world of hollywood and desperately wants to do the same to that hot chick from transformers. along with mary jane watson and dana scully, whose ass will he eventually kiss?

this film hits close because i, too, have had the bittersweet experience of working for a magazine. like simon pegg's character, sidney young, i went in ready to shake things up, to introduce fresh blood-ink to the pages. sure i got the chance to do my real passion and get paid for it but it never said in the contract that i had to deal with assholes and complete morons every day. so, i quit that shit and lived to tell the tale. the same cannot be said for sidney. after realizing that his(our) non-conformist attitude was getting him nowhere, he shrugged everything off and wrote the article that was forced upon him. the result: instant success. exclusive party invites, bumping bums with celebrities, even seeing the demise of his enemies. it's great because that's how things are in real life. the easiest way to the top is through someone else's bottom. still, if the only road to fulfilling your dreams is by taking shit from other people, then it's a triumph from shit and nothing to be proud of. but that's just me and my preachy intro.

anyways, as expected, simon pegg was hilarious. liked him in shaun and the bit part he did in missin:impossible 3. here, even with americanized humor, he made the role believably funny with his unlimited supply of witty quips and punchlines. his reactive facial expressions bury the pinoy comedy movie "nye!" and "acheche!" deeper in the corny cemetery. now, jeff bridges. there's a guy we havent seen for a while. after being the bald obadiah stane, it's good to see the dude back in long hair sans the 'stache and beard. his role was small but big, if you catch my drift.

i never understood why kirsten dunst was cast as mary jane in the spider-man movies. peter and harry fight over this snaggletoothed chick? anyways so i really dont get how she bags these "female-character-that-the-main-male-character-goes-nuts-for" roles. she's not attractive at all. like if i was watching flies congregating on dog poo and she walked by naked sucking on a lollipop and twirling pigtailed hair, i wouldnt bother to look. i mean, if it was me who had to choose between her and megan fox, the choice would be pretty obvious. i would definitely, no questions asked, automatically pick my girlfriend over these celebrity bitches. i love you, love.

so...

i liked the story, how it began, how it progressed, but hated how it concluded. i wished it not to go where i expected it to go, but it did and that's where the film failed me. i dont know if the book that this was based on had the same ending but it's the ending of almost about every chick flick that kept tissue manufacturers in business. oh, well... that's why it's called mainstream.


the good: the story and the simon pegg.
the bad: cliche love story ending.
the ugly: the penis.
the verdict: 7 strips of tape on the face.


skizzy old.

visitor cute

i hate fag lingo. i was supposed to title this post "cuteness" but thanks to the gender-confused populace who have claimed their own freaking language, using any word with the -ness suffix feels like an insult to my oozing masculinity. anyways, the real intent of this entry is to spike my dark gloomy blog with one ginormous dose of cute. and since i am still prohibited to exhibit the oozing femininity of my "kalahottie", here instead is a picture of my goddaughter, jaja, trying to bite off kratos's ear:

kratos: zeus, release me from this torment of my life!
jaja: goo goo ga ga slobber slobber.
zeus: aaaaaaawww...