MIRRORS by jaiskizzy

gist: jack bauer has retired and, because of wifey issues, is now living with his sister, the chick who had public sex with the transporter guy in crank. with nothing else better to do, he takes on a job as a nightwatchman for an old mall that burned down years ago. of course, this being a horror movie entitled mirrors, the whole establishment is fried and crispy except for, wait for it... the mirrors. and so begins the monstrous mirrory murders. or murderous mirrory monstrosities. cue the christina aguilera song from mulan.

reaction: i couldnt pick which of the two intros i had in mind to use for this review (the one about not spending more than 2 seconds in front of a mirror per day or my friends and i talking over beer about how it would be creepy if you were brushing your teeth in front of the mirror, you bowed down to spit and look up only to see that your reflection is still bowed down). so, i guess i'll just get on with it. despite the rather predictable ending, i really liked alexandre aja's haute tension. i was sold on the "blowjob" scene. anyways, here he is again feeding my hunger for gore with mirrors. although few and far in between, the meaty parts are just as bloody fucked up as i want them to be. no cutaways, no inadequate lighting, no coverups, as usually employed by pussy directors. movies like this are the triple x of horror, you see the whole thing close and clear.

sadly, the positives end there. it had me going with the opening scene and kept me engaged with the sight of blood, but there wasn't much else going on. kiefer sutherland's involvement made no difference. it could have been anyone in the role. very bland. after a long time doing 24, you'd expect that on his return to movies he would at least own the darn role. especially since he's surrounded by unknowns (except for amy smart. she was ok). there's the actress who played his wife who is not only not pretty enough but had the acting skills of a cardboard. the kids must have been her real-life kids because they seem to have inherited that from her. i also did not like the boy-who-cried-wolf angle. cant there be a movie where the supporting characters heed the protagonist's warnings the very first time, no matter how farfetched they are? or, they dont believe at first, but when undeniable proof comes along (usually someone dies), the protagonist gets to kick the face of everyone who didnt believe?

anyways, one other thing this movie shouldn't have had were the false scares. i still dream of the day when horror movies become truly scary again and do not resort to the false scares. the entity behind all the ill-doings should ought to be the one making me jump off my seat and not a cat in the closet, a dog, or a guy appearing outside the car. no more of that shit please. had a good enough story though, the denouement was fine with me, even though it was quite absurd. i know, i know, leave the reality hat by the door, but really now, why did "they" leave her and slack off for many years, and then suddenly decide to get people to kill so that they could get back to her? answer: so the movie could have an ending, i guess.

so, yeah, i liked it but not enough to include it in the list of my favorite movies in friendster. my gore fix was satisfied but my fear sponge remains dry.


the good: the gore
the bad: the acting
the ugly: why so serious, amy smart?
the verdict: 6 self-healing mirrors.


glasshole.

locked heart

or 13 things that make my girlfriend better than yours/you/my exes (other than her breath)


there's hundreds, nay, thousands more, i know, but these are the ones i most cant get enough of. im pretty sure ive irritated her for incessantly pointing these out almost every day. writing them down here doesn't mean i'm gonna stop talking about them though. they're worth the redundancy.

1. her voice freezes time when used to sing, sounds delicious when used to speak english and creates new universes when used to moan. first recorded ringtone i've ever had.

2. her affinity for video games is something i've always prayed for in a girl and it makes me feel so good when we talk about leveling up and crying about cgi death.

3. her eyes squint when she smiles, pin me down when she's upset and glimmer when she slowly opens them as she wakes up. makes the nicest minitears.

4. her face has a million beautiful expressions that i'll never get tired of watching, especially the transitions. she does not look like anyone else at all. the mold was shattered upon creation.

5. her laugh could probably stop wars. i don't just hear but absorb it into my skin. i would sell my soul just to listen to over and over again.

6. her body is the masterpiece of a highly-perverted sculptor, is meant for worship and does magic at the slightest movement. it's why the word wow was invented.

7. her mouth kisses with fire, holds hidden pleasures and spews the most loving, praiseful and heart-fattening words i've ever heard. plus her teeth would give dentists boners.

8. her neck is a vampire's dream come true. long and delectable and accompanied by the most amazingly shaped collarbones ever.

9. her wit is able to compete with mine, produces smart, non-girly but very feminine entries, and drives me nuts with laughter. i may have tainted it with too much naughtiness.

10. her skin is a landscape of beauty. every inch demands exploration. i love how responsive it is to my touch.

11. her graphic design skills, though sans professional training, are at par with those that earn the big bucks. they're also proof that she's no computer nincompoop.

12. her love is wild. deep, soft, warm love but most of the time, explosive. i dream of the day that i will present her to the world and tell how honored i am to be at its receiving end.

the top thing that makes my girlfriend better than yours/you/my exes is...


13. her.


i love every single thing about you, tif. i have locked you up in my heart and thrown away the key.