FATHERHOOD 2.0

Release Notes:

• new rash-preventive hairstyle
• reinstated diaper changing function
• lifestyle and career upgrades
• multiple room improvements
• other minor updates and bug fixes 

Developer Comments:

You know that feeling when you're playing an RPG and it's the final boss and he's the hardest-to-beat fucker in the whole game and you've restarted from a save point over and over again trying different strategies but none of them seem to work and you've said you'll turn the console off if you fail again for about five times and you've used up all your items and your entire party is dead except for your main character whose health bar is flashing red and you hit attack and the enemy finally dies?!?

Well, multiply that by 89 billion times and that's how I feel right about now because the one true warrior child prophesied to conquer all of cutedom has been unleashed. After what felt like eons of waiting, the masses shall bask in the radiant wonder of his presence. Due to various elements destiny pushed beyond our control, what was supposed to be yesterday became tomorrow and what was supposed to be tomorrow became today.

And so now I celebrate the essence of my masculinity for the champion sperm spewn from my scrotums has evolved into a human creature with scrotums of its own, ready to stomp his footprint onto badassery's ass. Today, I pull Excalibur from the stone. Today, I place the Matrix of Leadership into my chest. Today, I reach Super Saiyan Blue. Today, the knob goes up to 11.

For today is the day my son is born. Universe and all thy parallels, meet Iajin Alfredous Jye. 

I AM JUST INVENTING NAMES

Some time during the late 1990s/early 2000s, I started developing an idea for a novel. It was a vampires versus werewolves story from the point of view the human caught in between the "fang wars". The title I had in mind was Bloodlust and it was supposed to begin in the Dark Ages with two vampire families in a Romeo and Juliet type of conflict that gave birth to the vampire leader of the modern times, Dæniel Drake (yes, I wanted it spelled like that). I did a lot of research and even made character sketches. I think I was able to get as far as two pages of the prologue until I learned about a film starring Kate Beckinsale entitled Underworld. Oh well.

Anyway, the reason I opened with that is because I have a slight dread of it sort of happening again, this time with my very-soon-to-be-born son's name. There's this little quaver in a corner of my heart telling me that the moment my wife and I announce his name to the webwide world, there's going to be some murmuring behind our backs accusing us of name plagiarism. To be completely honest, no, we most definitely did not do that. Neither of us are that dumb, that we saw some other kid's name and thought our child should have a similar one. And this isn't about just being different or unique. I want my children to develop their own identities.

I actually had decided on my son's name way back in high school. I came upon it while thinking of a name for a character based on myself but I thought I'd reserve it for my firstborn son (it's a name that anyone will almost automatically associate with me, so it's not what's causing my worries). By then I was satisfied with just that single name, never telling it to anyone for fear of it being stolen. Fast forward to 2009 when Jeean and I found out we were going to be parents. Despite the insistence of my friends that the baby would be a girl, I was sure it was going to be a boy and so a boy's name we created.

It was settled that he was going to have three names, like his father, and the first would be the one I've been keeping to myself for years, plus another letter. The second was a portmanteau of two family members' names, plus a suffix for impact. And the last one was my version of Junior. Name number one sounded Japanese, name two Greek, and name three Korean. It was great name and my wife and I were both happy with it (we actually came up with one more in case she was carrying twins, which then paved the way for a bunch of others because you never know, right?). Of course, when we found out the baby was a girl, we made an entirely new one from scratch and got Iaine Sivela Feona.

But now that there is a 100.13% certainty that we will be blessed with a baby boy, we can finally use the name when we fill up forms documenting his existence. Not ready to reveal it just yet so I'll conclude with some anagrams:

jai enjoys ireful ad 

jeean is fairly judo

iaine's de joyful jar

TL;DR (which means "too long; didn't read" for all you non-Redditors) No matter what anybody else says, my son's full name was invented seven years ago.

MIND OVER MUTTER

Here's one of my favorite weird facts: the brain named itself. Take the time to mentally digest that one. Now the brain is thinking about itself having named itself. Pretty neat, eh? (of course, i know it was some other person's brain that named itself, but just play along, you killjoy)

I've always kept this fact handy in case I need to detonate a cranium or two, but I'm automatically reminded of it when my own thinker tanks. Like just a while ago, I opened my phone's browser and hit the Google icon. It loaded the search engine in about 5 seconds. And then I stared at the blinking vertical symbol for twice that time and wondered, what was I supposed to google again? As I tried to recall whatever it was I had to rummage the internet for, I could almost hear the metallic squeak of rusted gears struggling to spin backwards inside my head.

Usually, what I'd do is rewind my bullet train of thoughts and look for the particular sequence of cerebral images that connect to whatever it was that slipped out, but I just can't retrieve this one. It must have been some random thing that popped in and the one thing that should know where it went (since the jerk created it in the first place) has rendered itself useless. I'm half amazed and half annoyed about it. Like my brain has a mind of its own and loves to prank me sometimes. Going out? Im gonna make you wear your shirt inside out! Carrying a plate of food? Im gonna make enter you the bathroom! Working on a high priority client-requested task in the office? Im gonna dyslexify a couple of words so you'll misunderstand them and screw this whole thing up!

This is supposed to be the part where I conclude by saying "I know my brain has done many amazing things" and such. But I am going to hold the praises hostage until my brain pays me the ransom of memory. So fuck you, brain.



P.S. Even up to now, I have yet to remember what I was supposed to google. It would be easy to say it couldn't have been something important since I forgot it that fast. But what if it was? Damn.
P.P.S. My brain also came up with this dream last night: my whole family was in a car and I was outside riding a baby stroller holding on to the left rear window and we were going at top speed along EDSA. Fun times.
P.P.P.S. All those italicized sentences actually happened.

THE MAN IN THE SAND CASTLE

There was this thing I saw on the most reliable news source of the interwebs, Facebook, about a certain local filmmaker who threatened a few people that gave their movie a negative review. It made me want to post a blog about opinions and criticism. Which then made me realize how nearly all of the personal blogs now are reviews of stuff. Which then made me realize I haven't written a movie review for a long, long time. Which then made me go back to the first one about opinions and criticism.

So I logged in and found out that I had a recent unfinished unposted entry, with three paragraphs worth of introductory rant about the Manny Pacquiao v. LGBT community issue saved as draft and ended in the middle of a sentence. I Ctrl+A'd it and hit Backspace instead of Delete because I'm a rebel. Also because it connects to what this new entry will contain (if I finish it).

Anyway, I'll never understand people who can't respect other people's opinion of their work, like it's the most perfectest thing in the universe and anyone who says otherwise is automatically an idiot. As a writer, I've always been open to criticism (of the constructive kind, of course). I don't really listen to them that much since I'll not let go of work for external scrutiny unless I'm satisfied that no more changes are needed but I file them under "for consideration" on any succeeding endeavors. I get that some tend to value their output more than it deserves (I do that as well). That does not mean, however, that they can just threaten, ridicule and harass their critics and it definitely does not excuse anyone from being a complete asshole. Nothing does, really. Only time it's okay to be an asshole is if, in fact, you are literally a hole of ass.

And this isn't about someone being called fat and crying foul on social media even though they really are severely overweight. This involves a product released for public consumption. If your product is of subpar quality, society will say so. It doesn't matter how hard you worked on it, how much time or money you spent on it, and how much praise you got from the people you paid to help you with it. Your efforts are meaningless if the end result sucks and no amount of delusionary persuasion will turn it into gold. If it's crap, it's crap. From an asshole. I love how disgustingly that links together.

So go ahead, make your films, write your stories, and peddle your goods for all the world to consume as long as you're sure you can take the heat. Else, crawl back under your rock and fellate yourself for eternity.


P.S. Goes both ways of course. Complaints, reactions and suggestions need not be offensive.
P.P.S. Been dreaming of my soon-to-be-born son a lot recently. I hope he dreams of me too. Cant wait for both our dreams to come true.

BIG BANG BLUSH

(Note: This is an old post saved as draft from 2014. Posted now because why not?)

Funny where a destinationless train of thought takes you. I was watching TV the other day and learned that Kevin Feige's last name is actually pronounced as "fai-gee" and not "feyj" as i previously assumed. But I told myself, (not out loud, of course. just a whisper) it's okay, the mistake is understandable since Feige has the same last four letters as beige. Unless beige is pronounced as "bai-gee".

Anyway, so for the sole reason of just because, I googled beige. And found out that a certain shade of that color is the average color of the universe. Some astronomy dudes surveyed the color of all light in the universe (including 200,000 galaxies) and ended up with a beigeish white hue. When it was displayed on a newspaper article, readers sent in suggestions for a name and they went with "cosmic latte". Some of the other entries were skyvory, univeige, this blog's title, and primordial clam chowder (which I think should have won).

SPEAKING OF NOW

Hello, stranger.

That greeting is actually not just for you, dear reader, but also for me, dire writer, so welcome back to both of us. I'd prefer not to waste time and pixels addressing the whys and wherefores of my inactivity and instead focus on getting this blog back up and running. Again. For the eleventeenth time.

Two things: I made a quick redesign, nothing too fancy, and I imported a bunch of posts from my other blogs, which by the way were quite surprising as I could not remember writing some of them at all. I even took some phrases and googled them, flanked by quotation marks, to make sure they were truly mine and not lifted from somewhere else (good news: mine!). Also, I've decided to write my posts the way an educated adult should and quit emulating E.E. Cummings.

Speaking of, I'm going to be a father again! Of a baby boy this time, which is just whoawesomazing. Yes, that's whoa, awesome, and amazing in one word because that's how I feel about it. Especially since my wife and I have been trying for so long. I wanted him to be born in 2013 (because duh) but I guess the financial crisis caused massive stork layoffs and delayed the delivery of our son to April of this year, which is peachy fine. Really. It's not like time seems to go slower when you wait for something. It's only three more months, no biggie. I very patient.

Speaking of, during Jeean's third checkup, my heart twerked when we heard the little human's heartbeat for the first time and I had to control myself from RKOing the nurse and yelling, "Science, bitch!". Then, a few months later, when OB/GYN Kenobi pointed an arrow to our son's tallywacker on the ultrasound screen, I shook my fists in the air and screamed in victory as I saw our future together projected onto the inner walls of my skull: my wife and I playing Final Fantasy VII Remake on the PS5; Iaine and her little brother washing the dishes.

Oh, and Iaine, who is as excited, if not more, as I am, is turning six this week. She's grown so fast. Feels like it was only yesterday when I dropped her off to school and told her to do well in her exams. Wait. That was actually yesterday. What day is it today? Anyways, those six long years mean I have basically unlearned all the baby care skills I mastered when Iaine was still small. However, I fear not the slumberless nights for I know that when the epic newborn is thrust into this dimension, I shall regain all that power and conquer the realm of second-time fatherhood. So bring on the poop!

One more thing I seem to have unlearned: properly ending blog posts. So bye?



P.S. That is the first and the last time I will use the word that starts with T and means "shake your butt like shit is stuck."
P.P.S. My wife's OB/GYN is not really named Kenobi.
P.P.P.S. Is it the third week of April yet? Please be the third week of April when I wake up tomorrow.
P.P.P.P.S. Actually, please be April after Iaine's birthday. Sorry, Iaine.

UP DARNA DOWN

Apparently, there's a teaser trailer for the new Darna movie playing in front of some MMFF films. I tried to watch the bootleg recording on Facebook and further degraded my eyesight trying to figure out what was going on. Anyways, I've had a Darna remake idea in my head for so long but never really got around to writing it. Since the possibility of me being a part of the 2016 film is absolute zero, here's roughly the first 15 minutes of my Darna pitch, which is a sequel, a remake, and a reboot all rolled into one.

Darna Concept Art by madbox86 

1980. After a grueling battle, Darna defeats Valentina and is about to give the final blow. Valentina pleads for her life. With Darna's guard down, Valentina bites her on the neck, injecting a paralyzing, slow-acting venom. Darna kills Valentina then falls to the ground.

1996. After years of suffering (both healthwise and from being unable to help people in need), Narda dies. In the next room, Ding's wife (let's call her Maria) gives birth to a baby girl. They name her Narda, of course. Ding (now a cop) trains Narda how to fight as she grows up, against Maria's wishes. 10 years later, Ding Jr. is born, who also undergoes training.

2016. An underground cult worshiping Valentina is formed, believing that Reptilians are the true owners of the world. The cult leader's son, Vladimir, kills a family who left the cult and burns the condominium.

Narda graduates college and her father promises to give her the best gift that day. On the way home, the family sees the burning building. The ever heroic Ding immediately goes to help. Narda follows. The building explodes. In the hospital, Ding dies after telling Maria to give the "bato" to Narda. Narda is in a coma. In her dream, Narda sees her aunt and is told about her destiny.

Narda wakes up a week later and is devastated by the news. Ding is buried. Narda is temporarily in crutches. Now living at the topmost floor of an old apartment building, Narda watches through her window several petty crimes happen outside. Maria sees this but still hides the bato from her.

A bank robbery is on the news. Narda wants to watch the TV but her mother insists she stay in bed. Ding Jr. sees that the getaway van being chased by police car is headed somewhere familiar. The getaway van stops at a dead end. The gang leader looks around and sees the old apartment building. He calls for a helicopter. The crooks enter the building. When they reach the topmost floor, the leader is told the the chopper will take a while. As the cops go into the building, the crooks fire at them from above. The leader tries to break the door to one of the apartments.

Fearing for their lives, Maria tells Narda her father's dying message and gives her the bato, telling her to swallow it and shout Darna. Narda remembers her dream but before she could put it in her mouth, the gang leader breaks into the apartment and takes them hostage.

The leader tells the cops to back off or he will kill the family. The leader is then told that the chopper is almost there. He tells one of his men to take the boy with them just in case. A struggle ensues. Maria is kicked to the ground. Narda is thrown through the window. She loses her grip on the bato. She catches it with the other hand. She puts it in her mouth. She swallows. She shouts "Darna!" She falls to the ground... and three-point lands as Darna.


P.S. Post title doesn't mean I'm a fan of the local band. Just thought it sounded nice. Maybe they could provide the theme song, I don't know.
P.P.S. The attached concept art is the closest one I could find to the one I had in mind. Except I don't like the helmet and I want the updated Darna to have straight hair instead.
P.P.P.S. I think Sarah Geronimo should be the new Narda/Darna. She can do the role duality, she has the fan base, and she can sing the theme song herself. Maja Salvador is a close second.
P.P.P.P.S. My idea was, the Darna would then be followed by a new Captain Barbell film, then Lastikman. Then, a Sanlakas movie with all three of them with an endtag tease for Jesebel.